Good Things to Share

So after a really long, exhausting, stressful, and emotion-filled first week of school, I decided that to kind of help my sanity, I needed to pull a "Dr. Bell" and list the good things of each day.  Obviously, I won't post every single day, but today is the first day, and I haven't posted in a while.  Anyway, here they are for today...

1. I started 20 students in my fifth grade band today.  Not bad, considering that there are only 33 fifth graders total :)  My high school band has 23.  A couple more years and my band will be HUGE!!
2. I have 34 students signed up to be in the elementary school choir.  My high school choir has 22.
3. I had a really encouraging email from a parent this morning.  Nothing specifically about me, but it just made me happy because she was supporting her daughter's decision to be involved in music.  It almost made me cry.
4. My sixth graders are FINALLY starting to sing with a supported sound and they sound GREAT!  My third graders are not too far behind, either.
5. I got a monitor in my office, so I can finally work IN the band room instead of in the lab upstairs.
6. My SMARTboard is being installed tomorrow!
7. I have really great friends at the schools I teach at.
8. I have a great family that loves and supports me from 5 hours away.  I got to talk to my mom and skype with my sister and Danny.
9. My last ILNC paycheck was way more than I thought it would be, especially considering that I only worked 4 days of the pay period.
10. I got the new Activate! magazine and it has LOTS of world music lesson plans.  PERFECT for this fall, because our theme for Grandparent's Day is around the world!

Just Some Thoughts Lately

I find it interesting that you at one point, you said you wanted me to stand up for you and be in your wedding party.  Because I was that important to you.

I hate that I was always the one to apologize.  You would treat me like crap, and I’d get mad.  You’d get mad at me for being mad at you, so we wouldn’t talk for a little while.  Somehow, it seems, that you would always convince me that I was the one who was being irriational.  And I would eventually come to the conclusion that you were right and I just needed to apologize.  After all, why would you purposely do something to hurt me? I don’t know either.   But I would always leave the situation feeling about 2 inches tall, and you’d walk away like nothing had even happened.   I don’t get it.  Did you have to be such the “bigger man” that you couldn’t even own up to the crap you pulled?  You couldn’t treat me like the friend I was and simply apologize?

And the fact that I was always the one that seemed to initiate our friendship just baffles me.   I was always the one to call and ask if you wanted to hang out.  I was always the one that would text you to see how you were.  I would always be the one to rearrange MY plans to accommodate you.  It was never the other way around.  I can’t remember a single time when you reached out to me.  Yeah, we would talk about stuff, and I know you listened, but when did you ever take a moment to initiate those moments with me?

You said so many times that you loved me and how I was your best friend.  And I reciprocated those feelings.  When I said those words, I meant them.  But were the words you spoke empty?  I can’t help wondering if you really meant the words you said or if it was just your way of keeping me in your back pocket for a little bit longer.  Because you knew that I would always stay.  I would always come back around. 

Someone recently told me that if you really valued me and wanted to be friends with me, you would.  And I believe that.  I’ve seen you do it with so many other girls when you try to win them over.  You want them, so you make it happen.  You would do whatever it took to get them to give you the attention you craved.  But for some reason, I always felt as if my friendship was never worth it to you.  I felt like it was always up to me to make things work.

Then the past year happened.  And it really put a LOT of stress on me.  Probably more stress and pain than you will ever know.  I wanted so badly to just go back to normal.  But you treated me like crap.  And you KNOW you did.  You would continue to hurt me and I would just keep crawling back to you.  Because I wanted you in my life.  I care for you deeply.  The way you treated me made it seem like we were never friends.  The things you would say to and about me were so hurtful.  Did you really think that I wouldn’t hear about them?  And to hear that they were coming from a person who claimed he loved me?  I just don’t understand.

I don’t understand where it came from, either.  I don’t feel that I ever really did anything to you to make you treat me the way you did.  It seemed like it was just pure hatred.  Like whoever could hurt the other one more had the upper hand in the relationship.  And that’s never how I expected us to end up.  Yes, I know we would fight and argue a lot, but I don’t feel that I ever was mean or rude to you without reason.  And if I was, I always apologized and owned up to my actions. 

I just feel like I was never really worth anything to you.  Like I was just the underlying girl to bide your time through college until the next best thing came along.  And the fact that you didn’t even say anything when I said our relationship was unhealthy and that I wanted out, just demonstrates how little you care.  And is it any surprise that I feel like as soon as you read this, you’ll be mad, call me whatever name you feel like calling me, and then somehow find a reason to pour everything back on me.  Because that’s what you do.

 Like I said before, if you really valued me as a person and wanted a friendship, you’d find a way to be my friend again.  You’d see how much you’ve hurt me.  You’d be a man.  You’d make the effort.  And you’d apologize.

How fine is the line...

…between love and hate?

It's been said that hate is just a different type of love.  I'm not sure if I agree with that completely, but I do believe that until you have loved, you cannot hate.

January 5, 2012.  I hate that day.  We had one of the most memorable conversations of our friendship thus far.  And I hated it.  Well, not all of it.  Just a tiny portion of it.  You always seem to say the things that I know in my heart to be true, but refuse to admit to myself.  And I love that about you.  But I hated it this day.   You forced me to a realization in my life that I thought I had dealt with.  I thought I had moved on from that particular track.  But of course, in the fashion that you normally do, you made one small statement that sent me into a crazy spiral of self-reflection.  That tiny statement proved to have one of the biggest impacts on my life this year.  I both hate and love you for that.... mostly love, I think?

Since that day, I feel like I have been on the craziest emotional roller-coaster ride ever.  I know I always say that, but this time, I feel it more than ever.  It’s like I’ve been living two lives… one that is perfectly fine on the outside, but a complete mess on the inside.  I know that there are more difficult and heartbreaking senarios that I could be going through, but I have gone through a lot of pain because of this.  The true healing process has begun.  And I wanted to share something that has given me peace and assurance that, as painful as this continues to be, God is faithful to us and through us.

God gives hope to all those who suffer by promising both His abiding presence and His overflowing peace. Psalm 34:18 says that the Lord "is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit." In John 14:27 Jesus states, "Peace I leave with you; my peace I give you . . . Do not let your hearts be troubled."

In II Corinthians 1:3-4 Paul writes, "Praise be to God . . . the Father of compassion and the God of all comfort, who comforts us in our troubles, so that we can comfort those in any trouble with the comfort we ourselves have received from God." Sometimes the very reason pain has been allowed into our lives is so that we can be more effective in our ministry to others.

God's purposes in allowing pain in our lives are multi-faceted. Not only does He teach us about His love and faithfulness amidst our times of sorrow, but after our grieving has ended, He gives us strength to offer words of wisdom to others who are experiencing similar situations. I Peter 5:9 says, " . . . Your brothers throughout the world are undergoing the same kind of sufferings." Thus, we serve as both a support base and a hope for those who are walking through difficult situations proving that with God's help even seemingly insurmountable obstacles can be overcome.

If you are struggling with emotional pain, take comfort in the fact that God has your situation in the palm of His hands. He will not let you go, and He will not let you down. A final word of hope can be found in I Peter 5:10, "And the God of all grace, who called you . . . , after you have suffered a little while, will himself restore you and make you strong, form, and steadfast."

I so look forward to loving that day! :)

What I Took Away From It All

2011 has been one heck of a year.  Thank God it’s over!  Not that it was bad, because it did have some great moments, but this past year has definitely been… uncomfortable?  I don’t know if that is exactly the word I’m looking for, but maybe.  It’s probably been the most personally stretching year of my life.  And it’s time to just reflect upon the year.  And share a few lessons I have learned.  And, in honor of my resolution to read more, I dedicate this blog to my favorite recently retired TV star, and love of my life thus far, Regis Philbin.  In his recent book “How I Got This Way,” each chapter is about someone who helped him get to the place he is at and he ends each chapter with small words of wisdom, saying “What I Took Away From It All.” So… Here are the things I took away from 2011.

So as I said before, this year has been one of the most uncomfortable and personally stretching years of my life.  Last January, I had just broken up with my first boyfriend.  Yes, I was 22 years old, yes, he was my first boyfriend, yes, we only dated a month, and yes, I broke up with him… I get that it shouldn’t have been THAT traumatic.  But for some reason, it was.  He was my best friend of 4 years and it was a rough thing for me to do.  I think that event kind of shaped the way my year would turn out.  In a sense, it kind of broke me.  And it sucked for a long time.  My whole life had been wrapped with his.  We did everything together.  And for our friendship to be ripped apart the way it had been was absolutely terrible.   It was like the biggest consistency in my life (which happened to be a terribly inconsistent friendship) wasn’t there in the time that I needed it to be there the most.  But having it ripped from underneath me was, looking back, probably one of the best things I could have ever experienced.   I know who I am and have my own vision for what I want out of life (and relationships.  And YES.  I DO have standards almost as high as Jesus!).  I’ve grown up.  I’m independent.  I have been able to form close friendships with people who I may not have expected before.  I’ve learned to forgive.  And forgive.  And forgive.  And I truly believe that I have experienced being able to love unconditionally… through all the anger and tears, through each mistake, and from a distance.  It’s been a long process dealing with this, but what I took away from it all… Once, you decide to love a person, you always will.  Your love will just evolve and change.  And that takes time... Sometimes more than what you think.

I also went through quite a bit as I was preparing to graduate.  The final semester was a ridiculous one!  I felt like I had three very large and very different goals that needed to be accomplished.  Grad school auditions, student teaching, and being the band president/making sure BWS would happen.  We aren’t going to talk much about band, just know that it added stress to my life but everything turned out fine.  For the most part.  Now we have two very conflicting goals.  Be a performance major and go to grad school, or be a teacher and get a job.  At the beginning of the year, my most important goal for myself was to get into grad school.  ROOSEVELT.  DALE.  ALICE.  I wanted it more than anything.  And I was determined that was exactly what I wanted.  And I went into the semester with that being my focus.  However, as you probably have seen, things are a bit different now.  I had always wanted to be a music teacher.  I remember as a sixth grader, my parents forcing me to tell Mr. Ernst at parent teacher conferences that I wanted to be a music teacher.  So embarrassing.  But it’s what I loved.  I was meant to be a teacher.  Even as I moved all my stuff from here from Michigan, I would find projects from high school that I would write lesson plans and unit plans and my music independent study projects that I worked so hard at.  I always wanted to be a teacher!  And then I got to Olivet and I asked about being a performance major.  A certain person who shall remain nameless told me that I would never make it and that I shouldn’t even try for it because it was such a competitive world and there was no way.  First of all, I need to get this off my chest… You’re such a good teacher.  How dare you be so encouraging to a student?  And by the way, your five year prediction was way off!  I did make it happen.  Whether you knew about it or not.  Anyway, after I was so quickly shot down about being a performer, I kinda rebelled against it.  There were a few other people who were very encouraging to me and I took their encouragement and made it my new goal to play horn.  (side note… still a goal… I love playing!)  So as I started student teaching, yes, I wanted to enjoy it and learn from it, but I just wanted to get into grad school.  I had JUST convinced my dad that I could make it as a performer and I had NO intentions of ever teaching in a classroom after graduation.  Obviously that worked out a bit differently.  I LOVED teaching!  Within the first week, my heart was changing.  And maybe breaking up with Patrick and being in such a broken state allowed me to see and feel that change.  But I took the auditions.  And it was a good experience for me to be able to do that.  I have no regrets.  But I learned through my audition process (practicing, practicing, practicing, listening to other people during the audition, and talking to people who have done it before) that I didn’t want to play my horn like that.  I didn’t want to be locked in a practice room for six hours a day practicing 12 bars until you can’t play it wrong.  Maybe every once in a while that sounds fun (BTW, which music festival should I go to this summer??? Fearless Audition Training? haha), but what I loved about being in band/orchestra/choir was the friendships and relationships that you make with people.  And I was making those kind of friendships at school teaching.  I was back to where I knew deep down that I would always end up.  So I’m a teacher now.  And loving it.  Occasionally, I’ll wonder what life would have been like right now if I had chosen the other.  Living in Chicago, playing my horn all the time, taking auditions… but then I remember how much I love going into school each day.  If you think I settled, you could not be further from the truth.  I have no regrets.  What I took away from it all… Sometimes, you just need to do things for yourself to prove that you can, and then you can move on.

I don’t think there was anything else too spectacular that happened during my student teaching.  But literally the day that I got done student teaching I got an interview out in Donovan.  CRAZY!!  If you’ve read my other blogs, you know that I did NOT want to teach out here.  But, once again, God knew what he was doing by bringing me here.  I work with a fantastic group of people and I love those kids so much!  In fact, I looked through my grandparent’s day pics over break (I was showing my family) and I realized how much I missed being at school with the kids.  It had been less than 2 weeks and I missed them!  But I gained so much more than just a great job by moving out here.  I gained some really great friendships as well.  Moving out here, I was most worried about working with Ryan.  I didn’t know what to expect.  But he has become a great friend!  And though his friendship, I gained 5 other great friends (well… I was friends with all of you before, but now I can actually claim you as my friends, haha).   These six (relatively new) friends of mine have caused me to grow in so many new ways!  Not only do they bring laughter and joy into my life, but they have given me so much insight into my own life.  Through genuine conversations, musical endeavors, and even mini-musical-work-vacations (MIDWEST!), I’ve come to know six fantastic people in a way that I never expected I would.   What I took away from it all… Never put expectations on the way God can work in your life, because God has a sense of humor, and He will do the exact opposite!  He uses the most unexpected people, situations, and times to bring you to where you need to be.

Also this year, I was able to work at Indian Lake again.  It was probably one of the best years for me!  First, let me say that I love ALL of the people that I work with, but sometimes certain friendships are just closer than others.  I have been able to work with two of my very favorite people, Beka and Mindy, for a couple years now, but this year seemed very different to me.  It seems as though this was the year in which our friendships became very real.  I was able to open up to each of these people more than I had before.  And it was great.  I knew that I had people who were praying for me (and I for them) and they even became a source of accountability for me.  I remember during campmeeting, God speaking to me and telling me that I had to forgive certain people.  And that I couldn’t forgive them simply “in my heart” but that I had to do it outwardly.  I was so incredibly conflicted by this.  I didn’t want to do this at all.  I didn’t even want to LOOK at one of the people, let alone tell her that I had forgiven her for the way she (possibly didn’t even know) she had hurt me.  How was I supposed to do that?  I ended up tearfully confessing to both Mindy and Beka that God had told me to do this.  And they would ask me “did you do it yet?” until finally I did.  And I knew that they were praying for me in those moments of complete vulnerability.  And I know they continue to pray for me today.  What I took away from it all… Never underestimate the friendships you will make at a summer job.  Especially when you’re working at Indian Lake J

All in all, 2011 was decent.  It started out terribly.  But as I moved away from the things that were holding me back, and started listening to what God wanted me to do, things got so much better.  And God has blessed me so much!  What I Took Away from It All… When God says something, you do it.  And right away.  If you don’t, you’ll end up hurt.  “But when you DO, hold on for dear life.  Or for dearer life.”  ;)

Of course there are other great things that happened in 2011 and great learning experiences I had, but I’m tired of writing.  This blog is far too long.  So I’m quitting the reflecting now.

Happy 2012!!  And because apparently the world is going to end in 2012, this year will be dedicated to fulfilling my bucket list (thanks, Min, for the suggestion!).  The next blog WILL include my bucket list.  Prepare yourselves… :D

-B

PS.  The quotations at the end are for Regis.  It was the last line of his book, referring to finding “the One,” his wife, Joy.  What a precious old man, you are Reege!!  Happy retirement!  Although, I really do miss you on Live!  Also, if you still have any pull in the show, I highly recommend Zac Efron for your replacement.  He’s so hot!

Hmm....

If there is one thing that I wish that I could change about myself, I wish that I had the ability to detatch my emotions from music. 

I know that sounds really weird, because one of the best things about music is that it allows us to express our emotions.  But this weekend, as I've been going through my iTunes, I started listening to some of the music I haven't heard in a while.  Great stuff, really.  Some of my favorite songs and pieces :)  But I can't get through them without being instantly transported back to where I was in life when that particular song/piece had the most impact of my life.  The emotions and memories are SO vivid and clear.  It's unreal.  And I can't seem to get through a piece without being emotionally torn by it!  On the one hand, I want to love the piece simply for what it is, but on the other hand, I want to hate it because of where it takes me.  So strange.

Anyway... is there a cure for this?  Or will I just get to suffer forever?  And how do you make yourself STOP attaching so much to music?  I really don't want to be 50 years old at my kid's band concert and not be able to stand the music they play because of something that happened while I was in college....

Today was a GREAT day!

Today was a great day!  And after a somewhat rollercoaster week, I’m glad life is back on the upside.  And as I’m sitting here on my couch on a Friday night (completely content with life, I might add), I feel like I need to blog lol.

So like I said before, this week has been kinda crazy.  Well, the past 2 and a half weeks…  I got evaluated for the first time.  Nothing like being the only first year teacher and being evaluated first, and less than a month into school.  YIKES!  But it went well.  When my principal and I talked about it, he said that I was doing a great job, especially as a first year, and that he really enjoyed my lesson.  He even said that he learned a few things J  So I don’t think I’m in danger of being fired.   Not that I was worried.

Then last week was so hectic and crazy.  I’m playing in Kankakee for Oliver and it was tech week, which mean I was driving back and forth to Kankakee each night.  Ryan (if you by chance read this), I seriously do not know how you can make the drive back and forth every day!  And sometimes twice a day.  I did it for a week and couldn’t handle it.  Suuuuuch a boring drive.  So kudos to you!

Anyway, I FINALLY got my music for Grandparent’s day, so I’ve started working with the kids on that.  And it is going pretty well so far!  I think most of the kids are enjoying the music, and they are actually sounding pretty decent at it.  We still need to work on our SINGING and not yelling voices, but I’m proud of what they have done so far.  It should be a good concert.

And it’s been really nice having the teachers on my side, too.  I talked a few minutes with one of the teachers and he was SO glad and impressed that I was letting the younger kids sing two songs instead of just the one.  And I’ve been talking with the other teachers about the concert and getting them involved in various ways, too.  They all have been very supportive and seem really excited to see the final product.  And I am, too.

And to bring it full circle, today was a GREAT day.  I felt like a real teacher today.  My kindergarteners were FANTASTIC, I feel like my choir has made some really great progress, and my sixth graders were pretty decent today as well.  And then after school, we had our pay-day dance party and then went out to Iroquois to talk and be friends outside of the school.  It was nice.  And I’m glad that I work in such a great school district with such great kids and great teachers!

The Lion in My Life

I know that I just blogged two days ago, but I feel like I need to blog again today.

So this morning, I did NOT want to go to church.  I was really nervous about going to a new place, especially alone.  I didn’t set an alarm this morning, because I was really indecisive about going.  But I woke up at 6:45 (surprise), and I told myself that I had to go.  If I didn’t go this week, then I never would.  So I got out of bed, and got into the shower.  Even in the shower, I debated with myself.  Maybe I would just drive up to Kankakee and go to First Church, at least it would be familiar.  Or I could drive up and go with Danyne.  Or I could just go to Bourbonnais and go shopping… I just kept debating about what I was going to do.  Once again, I told myself that I had to go to the church in Donovan and  that if I didn’t go today, then I never would.  So 8:25 rolled around and I walked down to church.  And I’m so glad that I did.

When I first got to church, it was a little bit uncomfortable.  I didn’t know anyone, and people were kinda looking at me like “who are you and what are you doing here?”  But I walked into the sanctuary and the pastor greeted me and I told her that I had just moved here from Michigan and was the elementary music teacher, etc.  The school secretary, bookkeeper and some of the students were in the church, so they were all excited to see me.   Then I sat in my pew and listened to the pianist play hymns.  I’m not sure why, maybe it’s because I was brought up with my grandpa as my pastor, but I sure do love the small church feel.  I love that they sang hymns and everyone knew each other, and introduced themselves to me, welcoming me into their church family.  The pastor even introduced me to the church so that everyone would be able to know my name and that I was new in town.  And after church, there were a bunch of ladies that came up to me and said hi and talked to me about the music in the church, moving into the apartment, the new Sunday school class that starts next week, etc.  It was just nice.  It felt like home.

But aside from that, I really believe that God wanted me in that church today.  (Here’s where the blog gets a bit deep… so stop reading if you aren’t into it…)  Ever since I started interviewing for this Donovan job, I’ve had a lot of reservations.  It was too close to Olivet, I didn’t want to work with Ryan and become his minion again, I didn’t want to take over Ryan’s job (because he does a GREAT job out here).  Basically what it comes down to is that it was too close and I knew too many people.  I wanted to teach in a place where no one knew me or had preconceived notions/expectations about me.  I remember when I got called in for a second interview crying that I didn’t want this job (and if you were lucky enough to be one of the people I cried to, I’m sorry lol).  But I took the interview, and it was strange because at the school, I always felt so great about being able to work there, but when I was away from the school my mind would wander back into that insecurity I had.  I remember praying on the way home these exact words: “Alright God, if they offer me this job, I’ll take it to make everyone happy, but you had better get me another job before school starts because I DO NOT want to work here!”  But things couldn’t have worked out more opposite.

Obviously I accepted the position and I began searching for a house.  It seemed like a feat that I could never achieve.  But God provided me a house IN Donovan.  And a pretty awesome house, too!  Next I began looking for furniture.  Again, it seemed like I would be sitting, sleeping, working, and eating on the floor.  Everything was so expensive.  But lo and behold, a man in Perry was having a moving sale, and had nice furniture for pretty reasonable prices.  Everything just seemed to be working out.  And I began getting really excited about this new job.  But there was still that little voice inside me that just kept bringing up all of my insecurities.  I’ve been fortunate enough to work at a Christian campgrounds, and one of my favorite (and also most stressful) times at Indian Lake is campmeeting.  I love that we get to go to church every night together as a staff and listen to great speakers.  And I love that I have people that I work with who I can talk to and will support me as I am growing.  Anyway, God spoke to me about a lot of things this year during campmeeting, and one of those things was about my job.  I remember the speaker preaching about fear.  And I talked to my friends about it, and they were all very supportive and reassuring to me that I wouldn't be a terrible teacher, and that God had a great plan for me in Donovan.  So I finally accepted that God wanted me in Donovan, and I would be where He wanted me to be, and do whatever He wanted me to do.  And then I started getting really excited about the new part of my journey.

But lately this past week, the insecurity has risen back up in me.  And I keep having terrible thoughts about teaching here.  What if next year, when Ryan is gone, I run the program into the ground?  I’m not as good as he is, what if they hate me and I get fired?  God, I don’t want to move, but You have GOT to get me out of here by next year!  Maybe I can talk Ryan into staying and I won’t have to teach in the high school.  Quite negative stuff, really.  Today in church though, the sermon was about selling yourself short.  The scripture was Exodus 3:1-15, about Moses.  For some reason, in the past few years I have felt like Moses and I are a lot alike, so this was just another time when I felt God speaking directly to me.  Moses claimed he had no ability.  He had a stutter and was insecure about his speaking, but God used him to free the Israelites.  And this morning, God spoke to me about that.  I’ve always heard people say “God doesn’t call the qualified, he qualifies the called” and I believe that, but sometimes it’s just hard to realize.  Our situations in life do not solely depend on our talent and abilities, but our trust in the Lord.  Don’t get me wrong, I believe wholeheartedly that you need to cultivate your talents that God has given you (Holy shoddy is still shoddy.  Amen.), but if we expect to be used completely, we need to trust him.  We are called into danger, but we aren’t called to do it alone.  God WILL go with us.  And He provides people to help us and support us in our journey if we just TRUST HIM.

The Sunday before I left home, I attended my dad’s Sunday School class.  They are reading a book right now called “In a Pit with a Lion on a Snowy Day” by Mark Batterson.  I haven’t read too much into the book yet, but from the class’ discussion, it is a great book.  It talks about Benaiah, who one day came across a lion, and instead of running from it, he instead chased it down and killed it.  God wants us to be lion chasers.  Instead of running from the things that scare us, run after them.  Tackle them.  Make them yours.  And that’s kind of where I’m at right now with this new job.  It scares the heck out of me.  But God has called me here, and I’m going to tackle it.  Move towards it at full speed and conquer it.

 “God is in the business of strategically positioning us in the right place at the right time.”

“God is always using past experiences to prepare us for future opportunities.”

I don’t know why God brought me here to Donovan.  It is certainly not what I would have chosen for myself.  But God always has bigger plans for us than what we can see.  I’m glad He brought me here.  And I’m looking forward to conquering the challenges He has for me, and excited to see how being in Donovan plays a role in my life.