Back to Square One

This weekend has been one of the most rollercoaster weekends.  Ever.   I didn’t really think anything of it, except that I knew my Roosevelt audition was the next day.   When I got home at 3:30, I checked my mail, and of course, the DePaul letter I had been sooooo eagerly awaiting was sitting in our mailbox.  I had told myself before that I didn’t want to open it until after my Roosevelt audition, but I really really wanted to.  So I sat on my couch with the unopened envelope in my hand for 15 minutes.  I finally decided to open it.  I didn’t read it for another two minutes, but when I finally did read it… bad news.  And poor timing, to say the least.  I mean, literally less than 24 hours before the audition that I really wanted.  Yep.  So I sat on my couch for about an hour and fifteen minutes.  Crying.  I’m not really sure why I was so upset.  I didn’t really want to go to DePaul.  I knew that when we drove into Chicago.  Just a feeling that I didn’t like.  And I had always only wanted to study with Dale.  So I was a little confused as to why I was so upset.  But I think it was because this was the first time that I had ever really been rejected from something.  And it sucked.  Anyway, I only told a few people.  I had only been intending to tell one person until after my Roosevelt audition, but good friends know when things are up… And I have good friends.  J

The next day was interesting.  I went to Chicago by myself.  It made me kind of nervous, but I did it.  And that alone, made me feel independent, like I was going to survive, no matter what happened that day.  I know its kind of silly to think like that, but it’s the little things that help you to move on.  Anyway, I was really discouraged going into the audition.  But I believe that God knew ahead of time that I would need someone with me that day.  Earlier in the week, I had asked Phil to come down for support.  I never thought that he would be such a blessing that day.  He’s really the only person that I think knows EXACTLY how I feel right now and it was nice to talk to him about it.  And he’s really good about making you feel better about your life.

My actual audition I think went really well.  I don’t think I’ll get in, but I think I played well.  It was actually like a lesson with him.  Which was nice.  Kind of a reminder about how I should be playing.  It was good.  And Dale remembered me and we had a normal conversation before and after the playing part of it.  Haha.  Then Phil and I had a GREAT day in Chicago.  If you want full details, read Phil’s note on facebook (you should.  It’s a good note!).  Otherwise, the short version: Some guy gave us free tickets into the art institute, so we went there and looked at the art (and talked about our lives….).  Then we went to Bennigans for dinner.  Then the CSO, which was soooo good!  And while we were there, one of the fellow horn grad student audition-ees was sitting right behind me, so I talked to him for a while.  So presh haha.   After the concert, I went back to the train station and finally got home about 1:30 in the morning.  Saturday was honestly one of the best days that I have had in a very long time.  Thanks, Phil!

Some of the things Phil and I talked about have really kind of been sitting with me for a while (since before we talked actually) and maybe it is time that I share with people what’s been going on in my heart for some time now.  I don’t actually know if I want to go to graduate school.  I mean, its something that I want, but I don’t know if right now is the right time to pursue a master’s degree.  And I don’t know if horn performance is something that I am truly in love with.  I hear so much crap from people when I tell them I only applied to two schools (and two GREAT schools, at that.  Thanks Phil and Ryan for making me realize that even though I failed to get in, I tried for something, and I don’t regret it.  I needed to do this for me.).  Honestly, though, I ONLY wanted to study with Mr. Clevenger.  DePaul was the “practice audition” as Margaret called it.  It’s been my goal since my freshman year when I first heard him and met him that I wanted to study with him and only him.  There hasn’t been any other grad school that I have even wanted to look at.  Maybe for like a short amount of time, but nothing like my desire to study horn at Roosevelt with Dale.   Anyway, as I have been thinking about it, I DID study with him.  This summer.  Maybe Marrowstone was the fulfillment of that dream of mine?  After all, he was my teacher, and I learned so much, but now that I’m seeing the bigger picture, I don’t know if performance is right for me.  I mean, music is fun.  I love playing my horn, and I love playing in ensembles.  I love everything about it.  But locking myself in a practice room for 4-6 hours a day until something is PERFECT?  Nope. It just doesn’t sound fun to me.  Then what happens when I finally get my degree?  Um…. Take auditions like nobody’s business until I can find a job in an orchestra that doesn’t really pay much? Yea.  Not so much. 

Sorry, I sound really bitter and angry about the situation.  That’s not really the case, I’ve just thought a lot about it lately and realized that I probably won’t ever make it in the performing world.  But let’s just say that I do make it…. Is that really the kind of life that I want to have a family in?  I mean….  Yea, at times it would be fun.  Lots of travelling, and fun people to meet, and my kids certainly would be cultured.  But that’s just the thing… lots of travelling, a random schedule, I’d probably have to live in a big city, and I’d never be able to just live a normal life.  I want to raise my kids in a small town (call me crazy, but I actually LIKED the small town feel of good-ol Perry).  I want to give them stability and being a musician, freelance or otherwise, just doesn’t provide for that too well….  Would it be fun?  Heck yes.  For someone that is in their twenties and single.   But I think that there are other things that I want to do with my life.

Who knows though.  If I get accepted into Roosevelt (Which I highly doubt), I don’t know if I want to go.  I mean, as I sat there and waited for my audition, I listened to a lot of pretentious music people talking about silly things like “stupid conductors” and all the cool music they were playing and how their lives had been changed by it and all the time spent practicing for one tiny part in a piece they were working on.  Part of me really wants to be one of them, and another part of me really just wants to be normal.  I don’t know what to do.  I’ve always kind of wanted to live in the city for a small part of my life… and this would be a good time to do it.  I mean, I’m young, single and have nothing holding me to anything.  I could do it.  And… if I get accepted and don’t take up the offer, how am I supposed to meet up with my new friend I met this weekend?  I kinda have to say yes, right? ;) 

Or….. if I don’t get accepted, do I just get a job for the year keep auditioning next year?  Or do I just assume  that I wasn’t supposed to go to graduate school for performance and just settle for something else? (Not that I believe teaching is settling AT ALL.  I LOVE my students and I LOVE going in to school each day.  THEY have taught ME so much this semester!)  I just don’t know what I want.  One of my friends told me recently that I used to know exactly what I wanted out of life, but since I started teaching, I’ve been wishy-washy.  So I don’t know what is going on.

Anyway.  Long story short, I got rejected by DePaul.  Cried about it.  Auditioned at Roosevelt.  Spent the day with Phil.  Talked about lots of things.  And now here are some of those thoughts in this blog.  Feel free to give comments about what you think.  I’d love to hear your input, because at this point, I could really use some advice. 

~Brittany

P.S. Please don’t say “just wait until you actually find out about Roosevelt and then make a decision” because I think that’s kind of like… duh. Haha.