Forgiveness. Is more than saying sorry.

Once again, I haven’t blogged for awhile.  So… here this is.  I’m not really sure what exactly this is going to be about, but we will see where it ends up J

These past few weeks have been crazy to say the least.  Student teaching is still going well.  I’m enjoying it a lot.  But the more I get involved, the more it makes me want my own classroom.  I’ve also been thinking a lot about my life as a performance major.  I auditioned at DePaul a few weeks ago.  It was alright.  I’m not sure if I played well enough to get in, but it was an audition experience.  Actually that whole week was an experience…. Haha.  We had just gotten done with BWS, and that had taken its toll on me a little bit, but I was ready for the next week, or so I thought.  Monday night I had commencement concert auditions (which turned out to be one of the longest nights of my life!!), Tuesday we had a band concert thing.  Wednesday I had my 8^th grade concert.  That went pretty well.  I was the FIRST one to conduct on the program, so I was super nervous, but it went well.  Then Thursday night I had horn lessons and Friday Patrick and Ian and I drove to Indian Lake to play at the Candle Lake Valentine’s dinner thing.  It was really nice to go to the lake and be with my family.  Especially after such a stressful time in my life.  I don’t know why, but whenever I go to the lake, I always feel at home.  It’s like all of my stress and problems just disappear.  I love that place so much.  And I got to see Beka and Lamica and it was really nice to just catch up to them. 

Anyway, Saturday morning came and Patrick and Ian and I got up super early (well… I got up super early because I couldn’t sleep, and they got up early) and we traveled to DePaul.  I made Patrick drive so I could sleep and focus on what needed to happen that day.  As we drove into Chicago, my first thought was “I can’t go to school here.”  I was so incredibly stressed out from the traffic and I wasn’t even driving.  We finally made it to DePaul and as we walked in, Ashlie walked by us on the way to her audition.  She was there with her mom.  It was SO nice to have someone there with you that knew what you were feeling.  And I was so thankful for her mom to be there.  Not that the boys didn’t do a good job of destressing me by singing a lovely rendition of Sweet Child of Mine on the drive into the city, but there is something about having a mom with you that just calms your nerves.  So that was nice.  After Ashlie and I both had our auditions, we stayed and talked for a while.  About 1:30-ish, we decided to head back home, and it was quite the interesting drive.  There was so much stuff filling my head and so many memories from the past two years that was just flooding my heart.  I don’t think the boys were aware, but I definitely cried on the way home.  Everything was just so bittersweet that weekend, and I knew that it was about to end.  Not just the weekend, but I felt like difficult times were ahead and that life was about to make a huge change.  I was right.

The weeks following that (I say this like it was 6 years ago…. It was only like the past 2 weeks, but it feels like FOREVER ago!)  probably have been some of the strangest weeks ever.  There was so much going on with me.  I got sick and Dena told me I had an ulcer from all the stress.   My dad came down for class and I got to see him for a little bit. Then we had band tour.  OMG.  So…. Hmmm…. Well… it was something ;)  I love going on tours because you get to see a side of people you don’t normally get to see.  And you become a lot closer with people.  It’s a good bonding experience to say the least.  And I got to see the mom and Colleen, so that was nice.  I also kept my new years resolution to face my fears and gave my testimony on tour.  First time ever.  But, God told me I needed to do it, so I told Ryan a few days before and then I spoke on tour. Not only was I terrified of speaking to people, but giving my testimony scares me like none other.  Not necessarily in a personal situation, but to speak in front of a group of my peers, my friends, and a ton of people I didn’t know…. YIKES!  But it turned out alright.  God never gives you something you can’t handle.

I don’t really remember much about the next week.  Or maybe there just wasn’t anything important going on.  O well.  I DO remember that Friday night I went up to Northwestern with some friends to see Mallory Thompson Conduct Maslanka Symphony No. 4 with their wind ensemble.  THAT was INCREDIBLE!!! It’s like my new favorite piece.  I cried during the performance.  It was SO good.  And I was with some pretty great people, so that made it even better.  Then I decided to go spend the weekend away from campus.  Saturday morning I got up and traveled to Bloomington to hang out with Sarah.  It was really nice to be with her and just talk like we used to.  It was good to catch up.  I really miss her.  Sunday when I came home, I had a headache a little bit and discovered that I had a pretty high fever.  So did Tia.  So these past couple days have been pretty miserable.  I’ve stayed home from school for 3 days because by fever didn’t get below 99.9, and finally today I’m kinda feeling better.

I always write a little bit about significant things in my life and this blog didn’t really have that.  So... here is what God has been teaching me these past few days.  Forgiveness.  I feel like this semester I have been a lot more… idk… tender hearted?  I know it might not seem like it to some people, but I really have been going through a lot of stuff this semester.  With everything.  Anyway, a few days ago (and this has kind of been building up for a while), I realized how important certain people are in my life.  And that sometimes, regardless of what everyone tells you, you need to examine what you truly want.  A wise friend of mine (Phil) asked me during band camp what was more important to me… an apology or a friendship.  And I kind of knew what that meant at the time and took it for what I thought I needed.  But I don’t think it ever has meant more to me than it has these past few days.  I realized that for all the pain I have been through, the good still outweighs the bad in the friendship.  As for as stubborn as I am and as much as I hate that I’m always the one to initiate the apologies, it’s worth it to have that friendship in your life.  When you really love someone, that love never goes away.   And I learned that when you do apologize, it feels really good to have that person back.  As much as everyone tells you that it’s time to cut your losses and move on and that you’ve filled the “apology quota,” I’ve learned that if someone is really important to you, there aren’t enough apologies in the world.  And even if I have to be the apology instigator every single time, I will be, because I love this person and I value them and what they bring to my life.

ANYWAY….  Thanks Phil for your insight to my life.  And you didn’t even say anything this time!   Alright.  I’m done writing because I can’t handle it anymore.  And I think I’m done being in this stupid house.  I hate being sick.  I’m going to orchestra!