Good Things to Share

So after a really long, exhausting, stressful, and emotion-filled first week of school, I decided that to kind of help my sanity, I needed to pull a "Dr. Bell" and list the good things of each day.  Obviously, I won't post every single day, but today is the first day, and I haven't posted in a while.  Anyway, here they are for today...

1. I started 20 students in my fifth grade band today.  Not bad, considering that there are only 33 fifth graders total :)  My high school band has 23.  A couple more years and my band will be HUGE!!
2. I have 34 students signed up to be in the elementary school choir.  My high school choir has 22.
3. I had a really encouraging email from a parent this morning.  Nothing specifically about me, but it just made me happy because she was supporting her daughter's decision to be involved in music.  It almost made me cry.
4. My sixth graders are FINALLY starting to sing with a supported sound and they sound GREAT!  My third graders are not too far behind, either.
5. I got a monitor in my office, so I can finally work IN the band room instead of in the lab upstairs.
6. My SMARTboard is being installed tomorrow!
7. I have really great friends at the schools I teach at.
8. I have a great family that loves and supports me from 5 hours away.  I got to talk to my mom and skype with my sister and Danny.
9. My last ILNC paycheck was way more than I thought it would be, especially considering that I only worked 4 days of the pay period.
10. I got the new Activate! magazine and it has LOTS of world music lesson plans.  PERFECT for this fall, because our theme for Grandparent's Day is around the world!

Just Some Thoughts Lately

I find it interesting that you at one point, you said you wanted me to stand up for you and be in your wedding party.  Because I was that important to you.

I hate that I was always the one to apologize.  You would treat me like crap, and I’d get mad.  You’d get mad at me for being mad at you, so we wouldn’t talk for a little while.  Somehow, it seems, that you would always convince me that I was the one who was being irriational.  And I would eventually come to the conclusion that you were right and I just needed to apologize.  After all, why would you purposely do something to hurt me? I don’t know either.   But I would always leave the situation feeling about 2 inches tall, and you’d walk away like nothing had even happened.   I don’t get it.  Did you have to be such the “bigger man” that you couldn’t even own up to the crap you pulled?  You couldn’t treat me like the friend I was and simply apologize?

And the fact that I was always the one that seemed to initiate our friendship just baffles me.   I was always the one to call and ask if you wanted to hang out.  I was always the one that would text you to see how you were.  I would always be the one to rearrange MY plans to accommodate you.  It was never the other way around.  I can’t remember a single time when you reached out to me.  Yeah, we would talk about stuff, and I know you listened, but when did you ever take a moment to initiate those moments with me?

You said so many times that you loved me and how I was your best friend.  And I reciprocated those feelings.  When I said those words, I meant them.  But were the words you spoke empty?  I can’t help wondering if you really meant the words you said or if it was just your way of keeping me in your back pocket for a little bit longer.  Because you knew that I would always stay.  I would always come back around. 

Someone recently told me that if you really valued me and wanted to be friends with me, you would.  And I believe that.  I’ve seen you do it with so many other girls when you try to win them over.  You want them, so you make it happen.  You would do whatever it took to get them to give you the attention you craved.  But for some reason, I always felt as if my friendship was never worth it to you.  I felt like it was always up to me to make things work.

Then the past year happened.  And it really put a LOT of stress on me.  Probably more stress and pain than you will ever know.  I wanted so badly to just go back to normal.  But you treated me like crap.  And you KNOW you did.  You would continue to hurt me and I would just keep crawling back to you.  Because I wanted you in my life.  I care for you deeply.  The way you treated me made it seem like we were never friends.  The things you would say to and about me were so hurtful.  Did you really think that I wouldn’t hear about them?  And to hear that they were coming from a person who claimed he loved me?  I just don’t understand.

I don’t understand where it came from, either.  I don’t feel that I ever really did anything to you to make you treat me the way you did.  It seemed like it was just pure hatred.  Like whoever could hurt the other one more had the upper hand in the relationship.  And that’s never how I expected us to end up.  Yes, I know we would fight and argue a lot, but I don’t feel that I ever was mean or rude to you without reason.  And if I was, I always apologized and owned up to my actions. 

I just feel like I was never really worth anything to you.  Like I was just the underlying girl to bide your time through college until the next best thing came along.  And the fact that you didn’t even say anything when I said our relationship was unhealthy and that I wanted out, just demonstrates how little you care.  And is it any surprise that I feel like as soon as you read this, you’ll be mad, call me whatever name you feel like calling me, and then somehow find a reason to pour everything back on me.  Because that’s what you do.

 Like I said before, if you really valued me as a person and wanted a friendship, you’d find a way to be my friend again.  You’d see how much you’ve hurt me.  You’d be a man.  You’d make the effort.  And you’d apologize.

How fine is the line...

…between love and hate?

It's been said that hate is just a different type of love.  I'm not sure if I agree with that completely, but I do believe that until you have loved, you cannot hate.

January 5, 2012.  I hate that day.  We had one of the most memorable conversations of our friendship thus far.  And I hated it.  Well, not all of it.  Just a tiny portion of it.  You always seem to say the things that I know in my heart to be true, but refuse to admit to myself.  And I love that about you.  But I hated it this day.   You forced me to a realization in my life that I thought I had dealt with.  I thought I had moved on from that particular track.  But of course, in the fashion that you normally do, you made one small statement that sent me into a crazy spiral of self-reflection.  That tiny statement proved to have one of the biggest impacts on my life this year.  I both hate and love you for that.... mostly love, I think?

Since that day, I feel like I have been on the craziest emotional roller-coaster ride ever.  I know I always say that, but this time, I feel it more than ever.  It’s like I’ve been living two lives… one that is perfectly fine on the outside, but a complete mess on the inside.  I know that there are more difficult and heartbreaking senarios that I could be going through, but I have gone through a lot of pain because of this.  The true healing process has begun.  And I wanted to share something that has given me peace and assurance that, as painful as this continues to be, God is faithful to us and through us.

God gives hope to all those who suffer by promising both His abiding presence and His overflowing peace. Psalm 34:18 says that the Lord "is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit." In John 14:27 Jesus states, "Peace I leave with you; my peace I give you . . . Do not let your hearts be troubled."

In II Corinthians 1:3-4 Paul writes, "Praise be to God . . . the Father of compassion and the God of all comfort, who comforts us in our troubles, so that we can comfort those in any trouble with the comfort we ourselves have received from God." Sometimes the very reason pain has been allowed into our lives is so that we can be more effective in our ministry to others.

God's purposes in allowing pain in our lives are multi-faceted. Not only does He teach us about His love and faithfulness amidst our times of sorrow, but after our grieving has ended, He gives us strength to offer words of wisdom to others who are experiencing similar situations. I Peter 5:9 says, " . . . Your brothers throughout the world are undergoing the same kind of sufferings." Thus, we serve as both a support base and a hope for those who are walking through difficult situations proving that with God's help even seemingly insurmountable obstacles can be overcome.

If you are struggling with emotional pain, take comfort in the fact that God has your situation in the palm of His hands. He will not let you go, and He will not let you down. A final word of hope can be found in I Peter 5:10, "And the God of all grace, who called you . . . , after you have suffered a little while, will himself restore you and make you strong, form, and steadfast."

I so look forward to loving that day! :)

What I Took Away From It All

2011 has been one heck of a year.  Thank God it’s over!  Not that it was bad, because it did have some great moments, but this past year has definitely been… uncomfortable?  I don’t know if that is exactly the word I’m looking for, but maybe.  It’s probably been the most personally stretching year of my life.  And it’s time to just reflect upon the year.  And share a few lessons I have learned.  And, in honor of my resolution to read more, I dedicate this blog to my favorite recently retired TV star, and love of my life thus far, Regis Philbin.  In his recent book “How I Got This Way,” each chapter is about someone who helped him get to the place he is at and he ends each chapter with small words of wisdom, saying “What I Took Away From It All.” So… Here are the things I took away from 2011.

So as I said before, this year has been one of the most uncomfortable and personally stretching years of my life.  Last January, I had just broken up with my first boyfriend.  Yes, I was 22 years old, yes, he was my first boyfriend, yes, we only dated a month, and yes, I broke up with him… I get that it shouldn’t have been THAT traumatic.  But for some reason, it was.  He was my best friend of 4 years and it was a rough thing for me to do.  I think that event kind of shaped the way my year would turn out.  In a sense, it kind of broke me.  And it sucked for a long time.  My whole life had been wrapped with his.  We did everything together.  And for our friendship to be ripped apart the way it had been was absolutely terrible.   It was like the biggest consistency in my life (which happened to be a terribly inconsistent friendship) wasn’t there in the time that I needed it to be there the most.  But having it ripped from underneath me was, looking back, probably one of the best things I could have ever experienced.   I know who I am and have my own vision for what I want out of life (and relationships.  And YES.  I DO have standards almost as high as Jesus!).  I’ve grown up.  I’m independent.  I have been able to form close friendships with people who I may not have expected before.  I’ve learned to forgive.  And forgive.  And forgive.  And I truly believe that I have experienced being able to love unconditionally… through all the anger and tears, through each mistake, and from a distance.  It’s been a long process dealing with this, but what I took away from it all… Once, you decide to love a person, you always will.  Your love will just evolve and change.  And that takes time... Sometimes more than what you think.

I also went through quite a bit as I was preparing to graduate.  The final semester was a ridiculous one!  I felt like I had three very large and very different goals that needed to be accomplished.  Grad school auditions, student teaching, and being the band president/making sure BWS would happen.  We aren’t going to talk much about band, just know that it added stress to my life but everything turned out fine.  For the most part.  Now we have two very conflicting goals.  Be a performance major and go to grad school, or be a teacher and get a job.  At the beginning of the year, my most important goal for myself was to get into grad school.  ROOSEVELT.  DALE.  ALICE.  I wanted it more than anything.  And I was determined that was exactly what I wanted.  And I went into the semester with that being my focus.  However, as you probably have seen, things are a bit different now.  I had always wanted to be a music teacher.  I remember as a sixth grader, my parents forcing me to tell Mr. Ernst at parent teacher conferences that I wanted to be a music teacher.  So embarrassing.  But it’s what I loved.  I was meant to be a teacher.  Even as I moved all my stuff from here from Michigan, I would find projects from high school that I would write lesson plans and unit plans and my music independent study projects that I worked so hard at.  I always wanted to be a teacher!  And then I got to Olivet and I asked about being a performance major.  A certain person who shall remain nameless told me that I would never make it and that I shouldn’t even try for it because it was such a competitive world and there was no way.  First of all, I need to get this off my chest… You’re such a good teacher.  How dare you be so encouraging to a student?  And by the way, your five year prediction was way off!  I did make it happen.  Whether you knew about it or not.  Anyway, after I was so quickly shot down about being a performer, I kinda rebelled against it.  There were a few other people who were very encouraging to me and I took their encouragement and made it my new goal to play horn.  (side note… still a goal… I love playing!)  So as I started student teaching, yes, I wanted to enjoy it and learn from it, but I just wanted to get into grad school.  I had JUST convinced my dad that I could make it as a performer and I had NO intentions of ever teaching in a classroom after graduation.  Obviously that worked out a bit differently.  I LOVED teaching!  Within the first week, my heart was changing.  And maybe breaking up with Patrick and being in such a broken state allowed me to see and feel that change.  But I took the auditions.  And it was a good experience for me to be able to do that.  I have no regrets.  But I learned through my audition process (practicing, practicing, practicing, listening to other people during the audition, and talking to people who have done it before) that I didn’t want to play my horn like that.  I didn’t want to be locked in a practice room for six hours a day practicing 12 bars until you can’t play it wrong.  Maybe every once in a while that sounds fun (BTW, which music festival should I go to this summer??? Fearless Audition Training? haha), but what I loved about being in band/orchestra/choir was the friendships and relationships that you make with people.  And I was making those kind of friendships at school teaching.  I was back to where I knew deep down that I would always end up.  So I’m a teacher now.  And loving it.  Occasionally, I’ll wonder what life would have been like right now if I had chosen the other.  Living in Chicago, playing my horn all the time, taking auditions… but then I remember how much I love going into school each day.  If you think I settled, you could not be further from the truth.  I have no regrets.  What I took away from it all… Sometimes, you just need to do things for yourself to prove that you can, and then you can move on.

I don’t think there was anything else too spectacular that happened during my student teaching.  But literally the day that I got done student teaching I got an interview out in Donovan.  CRAZY!!  If you’ve read my other blogs, you know that I did NOT want to teach out here.  But, once again, God knew what he was doing by bringing me here.  I work with a fantastic group of people and I love those kids so much!  In fact, I looked through my grandparent’s day pics over break (I was showing my family) and I realized how much I missed being at school with the kids.  It had been less than 2 weeks and I missed them!  But I gained so much more than just a great job by moving out here.  I gained some really great friendships as well.  Moving out here, I was most worried about working with Ryan.  I didn’t know what to expect.  But he has become a great friend!  And though his friendship, I gained 5 other great friends (well… I was friends with all of you before, but now I can actually claim you as my friends, haha).   These six (relatively new) friends of mine have caused me to grow in so many new ways!  Not only do they bring laughter and joy into my life, but they have given me so much insight into my own life.  Through genuine conversations, musical endeavors, and even mini-musical-work-vacations (MIDWEST!), I’ve come to know six fantastic people in a way that I never expected I would.   What I took away from it all… Never put expectations on the way God can work in your life, because God has a sense of humor, and He will do the exact opposite!  He uses the most unexpected people, situations, and times to bring you to where you need to be.

Also this year, I was able to work at Indian Lake again.  It was probably one of the best years for me!  First, let me say that I love ALL of the people that I work with, but sometimes certain friendships are just closer than others.  I have been able to work with two of my very favorite people, Beka and Mindy, for a couple years now, but this year seemed very different to me.  It seems as though this was the year in which our friendships became very real.  I was able to open up to each of these people more than I had before.  And it was great.  I knew that I had people who were praying for me (and I for them) and they even became a source of accountability for me.  I remember during campmeeting, God speaking to me and telling me that I had to forgive certain people.  And that I couldn’t forgive them simply “in my heart” but that I had to do it outwardly.  I was so incredibly conflicted by this.  I didn’t want to do this at all.  I didn’t even want to LOOK at one of the people, let alone tell her that I had forgiven her for the way she (possibly didn’t even know) she had hurt me.  How was I supposed to do that?  I ended up tearfully confessing to both Mindy and Beka that God had told me to do this.  And they would ask me “did you do it yet?” until finally I did.  And I knew that they were praying for me in those moments of complete vulnerability.  And I know they continue to pray for me today.  What I took away from it all… Never underestimate the friendships you will make at a summer job.  Especially when you’re working at Indian Lake J

All in all, 2011 was decent.  It started out terribly.  But as I moved away from the things that were holding me back, and started listening to what God wanted me to do, things got so much better.  And God has blessed me so much!  What I Took Away from It All… When God says something, you do it.  And right away.  If you don’t, you’ll end up hurt.  “But when you DO, hold on for dear life.  Or for dearer life.”  ;)

Of course there are other great things that happened in 2011 and great learning experiences I had, but I’m tired of writing.  This blog is far too long.  So I’m quitting the reflecting now.

Happy 2012!!  And because apparently the world is going to end in 2012, this year will be dedicated to fulfilling my bucket list (thanks, Min, for the suggestion!).  The next blog WILL include my bucket list.  Prepare yourselves… :D

-B

PS.  The quotations at the end are for Regis.  It was the last line of his book, referring to finding “the One,” his wife, Joy.  What a precious old man, you are Reege!!  Happy retirement!  Although, I really do miss you on Live!  Also, if you still have any pull in the show, I highly recommend Zac Efron for your replacement.  He’s so hot!

Hmm....

If there is one thing that I wish that I could change about myself, I wish that I had the ability to detatch my emotions from music. 

I know that sounds really weird, because one of the best things about music is that it allows us to express our emotions.  But this weekend, as I've been going through my iTunes, I started listening to some of the music I haven't heard in a while.  Great stuff, really.  Some of my favorite songs and pieces :)  But I can't get through them without being instantly transported back to where I was in life when that particular song/piece had the most impact of my life.  The emotions and memories are SO vivid and clear.  It's unreal.  And I can't seem to get through a piece without being emotionally torn by it!  On the one hand, I want to love the piece simply for what it is, but on the other hand, I want to hate it because of where it takes me.  So strange.

Anyway... is there a cure for this?  Or will I just get to suffer forever?  And how do you make yourself STOP attaching so much to music?  I really don't want to be 50 years old at my kid's band concert and not be able to stand the music they play because of something that happened while I was in college....

Today was a GREAT day!

Today was a great day!  And after a somewhat rollercoaster week, I’m glad life is back on the upside.  And as I’m sitting here on my couch on a Friday night (completely content with life, I might add), I feel like I need to blog lol.

So like I said before, this week has been kinda crazy.  Well, the past 2 and a half weeks…  I got evaluated for the first time.  Nothing like being the only first year teacher and being evaluated first, and less than a month into school.  YIKES!  But it went well.  When my principal and I talked about it, he said that I was doing a great job, especially as a first year, and that he really enjoyed my lesson.  He even said that he learned a few things J  So I don’t think I’m in danger of being fired.   Not that I was worried.

Then last week was so hectic and crazy.  I’m playing in Kankakee for Oliver and it was tech week, which mean I was driving back and forth to Kankakee each night.  Ryan (if you by chance read this), I seriously do not know how you can make the drive back and forth every day!  And sometimes twice a day.  I did it for a week and couldn’t handle it.  Suuuuuch a boring drive.  So kudos to you!

Anyway, I FINALLY got my music for Grandparent’s day, so I’ve started working with the kids on that.  And it is going pretty well so far!  I think most of the kids are enjoying the music, and they are actually sounding pretty decent at it.  We still need to work on our SINGING and not yelling voices, but I’m proud of what they have done so far.  It should be a good concert.

And it’s been really nice having the teachers on my side, too.  I talked a few minutes with one of the teachers and he was SO glad and impressed that I was letting the younger kids sing two songs instead of just the one.  And I’ve been talking with the other teachers about the concert and getting them involved in various ways, too.  They all have been very supportive and seem really excited to see the final product.  And I am, too.

And to bring it full circle, today was a GREAT day.  I felt like a real teacher today.  My kindergarteners were FANTASTIC, I feel like my choir has made some really great progress, and my sixth graders were pretty decent today as well.  And then after school, we had our pay-day dance party and then went out to Iroquois to talk and be friends outside of the school.  It was nice.  And I’m glad that I work in such a great school district with such great kids and great teachers!

The Lion in My Life

I know that I just blogged two days ago, but I feel like I need to blog again today.

So this morning, I did NOT want to go to church.  I was really nervous about going to a new place, especially alone.  I didn’t set an alarm this morning, because I was really indecisive about going.  But I woke up at 6:45 (surprise), and I told myself that I had to go.  If I didn’t go this week, then I never would.  So I got out of bed, and got into the shower.  Even in the shower, I debated with myself.  Maybe I would just drive up to Kankakee and go to First Church, at least it would be familiar.  Or I could drive up and go with Danyne.  Or I could just go to Bourbonnais and go shopping… I just kept debating about what I was going to do.  Once again, I told myself that I had to go to the church in Donovan and  that if I didn’t go today, then I never would.  So 8:25 rolled around and I walked down to church.  And I’m so glad that I did.

When I first got to church, it was a little bit uncomfortable.  I didn’t know anyone, and people were kinda looking at me like “who are you and what are you doing here?”  But I walked into the sanctuary and the pastor greeted me and I told her that I had just moved here from Michigan and was the elementary music teacher, etc.  The school secretary, bookkeeper and some of the students were in the church, so they were all excited to see me.   Then I sat in my pew and listened to the pianist play hymns.  I’m not sure why, maybe it’s because I was brought up with my grandpa as my pastor, but I sure do love the small church feel.  I love that they sang hymns and everyone knew each other, and introduced themselves to me, welcoming me into their church family.  The pastor even introduced me to the church so that everyone would be able to know my name and that I was new in town.  And after church, there were a bunch of ladies that came up to me and said hi and talked to me about the music in the church, moving into the apartment, the new Sunday school class that starts next week, etc.  It was just nice.  It felt like home.

But aside from that, I really believe that God wanted me in that church today.  (Here’s where the blog gets a bit deep… so stop reading if you aren’t into it…)  Ever since I started interviewing for this Donovan job, I’ve had a lot of reservations.  It was too close to Olivet, I didn’t want to work with Ryan and become his minion again, I didn’t want to take over Ryan’s job (because he does a GREAT job out here).  Basically what it comes down to is that it was too close and I knew too many people.  I wanted to teach in a place where no one knew me or had preconceived notions/expectations about me.  I remember when I got called in for a second interview crying that I didn’t want this job (and if you were lucky enough to be one of the people I cried to, I’m sorry lol).  But I took the interview, and it was strange because at the school, I always felt so great about being able to work there, but when I was away from the school my mind would wander back into that insecurity I had.  I remember praying on the way home these exact words: “Alright God, if they offer me this job, I’ll take it to make everyone happy, but you had better get me another job before school starts because I DO NOT want to work here!”  But things couldn’t have worked out more opposite.

Obviously I accepted the position and I began searching for a house.  It seemed like a feat that I could never achieve.  But God provided me a house IN Donovan.  And a pretty awesome house, too!  Next I began looking for furniture.  Again, it seemed like I would be sitting, sleeping, working, and eating on the floor.  Everything was so expensive.  But lo and behold, a man in Perry was having a moving sale, and had nice furniture for pretty reasonable prices.  Everything just seemed to be working out.  And I began getting really excited about this new job.  But there was still that little voice inside me that just kept bringing up all of my insecurities.  I’ve been fortunate enough to work at a Christian campgrounds, and one of my favorite (and also most stressful) times at Indian Lake is campmeeting.  I love that we get to go to church every night together as a staff and listen to great speakers.  And I love that I have people that I work with who I can talk to and will support me as I am growing.  Anyway, God spoke to me about a lot of things this year during campmeeting, and one of those things was about my job.  I remember the speaker preaching about fear.  And I talked to my friends about it, and they were all very supportive and reassuring to me that I wouldn't be a terrible teacher, and that God had a great plan for me in Donovan.  So I finally accepted that God wanted me in Donovan, and I would be where He wanted me to be, and do whatever He wanted me to do.  And then I started getting really excited about the new part of my journey.

But lately this past week, the insecurity has risen back up in me.  And I keep having terrible thoughts about teaching here.  What if next year, when Ryan is gone, I run the program into the ground?  I’m not as good as he is, what if they hate me and I get fired?  God, I don’t want to move, but You have GOT to get me out of here by next year!  Maybe I can talk Ryan into staying and I won’t have to teach in the high school.  Quite negative stuff, really.  Today in church though, the sermon was about selling yourself short.  The scripture was Exodus 3:1-15, about Moses.  For some reason, in the past few years I have felt like Moses and I are a lot alike, so this was just another time when I felt God speaking directly to me.  Moses claimed he had no ability.  He had a stutter and was insecure about his speaking, but God used him to free the Israelites.  And this morning, God spoke to me about that.  I’ve always heard people say “God doesn’t call the qualified, he qualifies the called” and I believe that, but sometimes it’s just hard to realize.  Our situations in life do not solely depend on our talent and abilities, but our trust in the Lord.  Don’t get me wrong, I believe wholeheartedly that you need to cultivate your talents that God has given you (Holy shoddy is still shoddy.  Amen.), but if we expect to be used completely, we need to trust him.  We are called into danger, but we aren’t called to do it alone.  God WILL go with us.  And He provides people to help us and support us in our journey if we just TRUST HIM.

The Sunday before I left home, I attended my dad’s Sunday School class.  They are reading a book right now called “In a Pit with a Lion on a Snowy Day” by Mark Batterson.  I haven’t read too much into the book yet, but from the class’ discussion, it is a great book.  It talks about Benaiah, who one day came across a lion, and instead of running from it, he instead chased it down and killed it.  God wants us to be lion chasers.  Instead of running from the things that scare us, run after them.  Tackle them.  Make them yours.  And that’s kind of where I’m at right now with this new job.  It scares the heck out of me.  But God has called me here, and I’m going to tackle it.  Move towards it at full speed and conquer it.

 “God is in the business of strategically positioning us in the right place at the right time.”

“God is always using past experiences to prepare us for future opportunities.”

I don’t know why God brought me here to Donovan.  It is certainly not what I would have chosen for myself.  But God always has bigger plans for us than what we can see.  I’m glad He brought me here.  And I’m looking forward to conquering the challenges He has for me, and excited to see how being in Donovan plays a role in my life.

The First Week

Well, I made it through my first week of being a real teacher.  And it was fun.  For the most part.  Tiring, but fun.  I haven’t blogged in a while, so I’m just going to do a little update on what has been going on in my life since August.  It may be a long blog lol.

So the first week in August, I ended my job at the lake (which made me so sad.  I love working there, and I miss everyone a TON, but I’ll still have summers off to come back J) and I taught a band camp in Michigan.  It was such a great week up there!  I always love being able to work with Mr. Ernst because he was such a great teacher for me, and I get to observe how he maintains such a great band program.  This year was especially good for me, because Mrs. Dutcher, my fantastic elementary music teacher, was working there, too, so I spent a lot of time just picking her brain and prepping for my own classroom.  I got a lot of great advice, and it was nice to get some questions answered.  After I left band camp, April and I went to Beckah’s wedding, which was really nice.

Two days after that, Colleen, Danyne and I packed our cars and came to Illinois to move me in.  Colleen and I spent the week unpacking some of my stuff and more importantly, cleaning and decorating my classroom.  It was pretty messy to begin with.  We took everything off the shelves and wiped EVERYTHING down.  We moved the desks and cleaned out the drawers.  I cleaned out a cabinet and found a box full of rhythm instruments, which was SUPER nice, because I didn’t know that I had any instruments at all.  Then we began the fun part: decorating!  My classroom still looks a little plain, but I figure as I keep teaching, I’ll get more things to decorate with.  My parents got to my apartment with all my furniture late Thursday night, so we unpacked the truck on Friday and set up the beds, couches, etc.  They helped me unpack for the next few days.  It was really nice to have them here to help, and when they left on Sunday night, it was pretty weird.

Monday was my 23^rd birthday.  And my first year teacher mentoring day.  It was kinda like as soon as I turned 23, real life started.  Mentoring day was not as long and boring as I expected it to be.  And the teachers there knew it was my birthday and even brought a cake to help celebrate.  It was really nice.  Then Shauntia came over to my house, we went to dinner in Watseka, then I dyed her hair.  I learned that if the teaching thing doesn’t work, I can open a hair salon in my kitchen.  Tuesday, I don’t think I did anything too important.  Wednesday was the teacher institute day.  I met a lot of the teachers, and there was a lot of info that was given out.  Kinda overwhelming, but I learned a lot.

Thursday was the first day of school.  Music is in the afternoon, so I didn’t teach anything (it was a half day), but I did help in the kindergarten room in the morning and then worked on my room/lesson plans in the afternoon.

Friday was MY first day of teaching.  It went alright.  I think that everything went ok with the exception of kindergarten.  I had all my plans and everything, but they lose attention REAL quick.  And 35 minutes is a LONG time for kindergarteners.  Especially on their first FULL day of school, by the afternoon, they are pretty much done.  But I sucked it up and ended the day really well.

And this week was pretty good.  Monday and Tuesday were a little bit rough.  Not that they were bad, by any means, there were just times that could have gone better.  But by today, I felt like things were starting to finally calm down.  They tell you in all your ed classes that the first stage of being a teacher is survival mode.  And I knew that, but I never really felt like I understood exactly what they meant until this week haha.  I feel like even student teaching can’t prepare you enough for your own classroom.  Don’t get me wrong, I learned a TON while I was student teaching, but in your ST experience, you still have your teacher to help you when you are drowning.  In your own classroom, you have to fight your way back to the surface.  Kind of a weird analogy, but it works.

Anyway, I really love working out here so far.  The other teachers are so nice and helpful, and because it’s a small school, I’ve gotten to know a lot of the kids.  I love that I get hugs every morning and throughout the day as they come into music every day.  And I love that I feel like I’m actually teaching them new concepts and they are enjoying it.  And I’m not doing anything particularly difficult, either.  Just getting the instruments out gets them super excited. 

Anyway, it’s been a really great week so far, and I’m really excited for the year.   And tomorrow is my first weekend at home being a teacher.  So I’m throwing a party? Haha.  I made a bunch of food tonight, so anyone who is coming should be excited, because I’m a good cook.   I’ll try to keep everyone updated on here, but no promises as to how often that will be.

Weekend

So this weekend was a pretty darn good one.  In an unexpected way.  I went down to Olivet on Friday night for a variety of reasons... apartment shopping, signing the Donovan contract, and my favorite reason, to hear the CSO play Mahler with the boys.   O yea, and to see my sisters ;)  Anyway, I had called a couple of places earlier in the week about apartments/housing situations and finally found one that wouldn't charge me through August and was cheap and nice, too.  (Sidenote, I know that I can find an apartment in Bourbonnais, but I had really wanted to live out closer to Donovan so that I could [one] not pay a fortune of time and money driving back and forth to work everyday and [two] somewhat cut the Olivet umbellical cord.  My parents reeeeeally wanted me to live IN Donovan, but I assured them that there was NOTHING in Donovan, and the closest place was 20 minutes away.)  So I had planned to go on Saturday morning to look at this place.  The guy I talked with made it sound like it was going to be a done deal kind of thing, I just needed to call Saturday morning before I came out and then the rest would be history.

Saturday morning, I get up and dressed and call the guy at 9AM.  His wife answers the phone... "I'm really sorry, hon, but we filled it yesterday.  I'm so sorry.  Really.  Sorry."  Yep... Sure.  So I was kinda really bummed about that, but decided that I should try to look at some other apartments while I was down there.  I look on the webpage and the first listing I see (it HAD to have been listed overnight, because I checked it Friday and it was NOT there) was in Donovan.  Before I even had time to think, I was calling the number.  He said that I should just come out and see it that morning.  So, less than an hour later, I was in Donovan in this apartment.  It was really great!  2 bedrooms, 1 bathroom, office, large living room, kitchen, dining area, a yard, laundry room... everything was completely renovated before the last tenant, who lived there less than a year.  Brand new appliances, new carpet, new wood laminate flooring in the kitchen, new washer and dryer, new paint, everything.  It was MORE than what I expected of it!  Anyway, I end up filling out the application and leaving Donovan praying that everything would work out.  It still was kind of a gamble simply because I don't want to pay for June and July rent when I won't be there...

Sunday was a fantastic day.  No matter what it may have seemed, I was honestly very excited to spend the day with my boys. And apparently Patrick was excited to spend the day with Ian and I because he picked me up an hour and a half earlier than expected.  So we decided to waste some time eating Rolo flurries at 10 AM, and then hanging out in the parking lot of the train station.  We rode the train to Chicago and then had lunch together at Bennigans (duh).  After lunch we went to Symphony Center and climbed allllll the way to the gallery and got our second row seats to watch their last performance of the season until Ravinia.  We were a bit excited.  And it was Mahler.  So we were really excited.  And Haitink was conducting.  So we were really, really excited.  We watched them all warm up on stage (of course I was fixed on Dale...) and I kind of had a strange realization.  I realized that I would never perform like that.  I used to go to the CSO and think "someday, that will be me... (maybe not the CSO, but something along those lines)"  and get really excited to play my horn.  This time it was different.  I have somewhat given up on that part of my life.  And I realized it.  And I got really sad.  I mean REALLY sad.  Like... crying.  A lot.  Before the concert even started.  It was the worst feeling in the world.  Then the CSO began to play.  Beginning with a beautiful horn solo, and even better solos as the piece played on.  The fourth movement was by far my favorite.  Absolutely beautiful.  I cried during that, too, but only because it was so moving to me.  After the concert got done, we went to go get on the train home and we realized we had another hour and a half to kill.  So we went to the Chicago Art Festival.  Looked at some stuff.  Expensive stuff.  Then we walked along the river for a while and just got to talk and be friends.  It was nice.  I've missed those times with them :)

This morning, I didn't really have any plans other than to go sign some papers for Donovan.  I don't really know why I was expecting it to be a quick trip, because there was a LOT of stuff to go through and sign.  I literally sat and signed papers for an hour.  Yikes.  It was good though.  I learned a lot about the stuff I have to do, and even learned that I was getting paid almost $1000 more than I had been budgeting for.  Good news!  THEN I had to go get fingerprinted.  In the county jail.  I had never been in a jail before, and I NEVER want to be in one again.  It was just soooo.... I don't know.  Something I am glad I have not had the pleasure of experiencing before.  Anyway, did the fingerprinting and returned the paperwork back to Donovan and began the long drive home.  I realized that I love country roads in Illinois.  No cars, no hills, no turns, no speed limit ;) haha.  As soon as I got on 65, I get a call from the guy who owns the apartment.  We talked for a little bit and he was really nice.  Went to Michigan State, and was glad I was a teacher and all that stuff... he offered me the apartment.  And he even brought up the moving in August thing... "Here's what I can do... I won't charge you rent until August with the condition that the deposit is paid at the contract signing, and if you back out, its non refundable"  Um... yes please!  I don't have to pay the next two months, and I only lose if I back out?  I'm NOT backing out. So I can do that!  I told him I would take it and he said he would email me the contract.   I now am fully employed and have the apartment!  Full nights sleep... here I come!!!

Anyway, God really showed his provision for me this weekend.  First in getting me this job, and then in finding sucha great apartment.  I was really unsure about some of my life's decisions I had been making, but now I can see that this is where God wants me to be.  It has to be.  He would not have allowed things to work out this smoothly if it weren't where I were supposed to be.  I don't know WHY He wants me here, but I have a peace about taking this job.  Am I nervous?  Of course!  But I know that its where I am supposed to be, and if I have learned anything in the past 6 months, its to trust that God's plans are bigger than what we can see ourselves.

sex ruins everything.

yes.  it does.  when you have sex outside of marriage, it. ruins. EVERYTHING! and not just intercourse, but fooling around, too!  i don't care who you are or how much you think it won't affect you.  it does.  and it affects other people, too.  Seriously, I don't know how people can live like this and think it doesn't affect them.  if i think about what it would be like to have a loving spouse (or even a fiance, because you really should know these things BEFORE you tie the knot), fully committed to me, and to have to tell them that i slept with someone, or fooled around with someone, or whatever... that would KILL me to have to tell them.  and from the opposite side, if i had to hear that my fiance had done this kind of stuff with someone else, it would seriously ruin everything.  i think every time we even kissed from that point on, in the back of my mind, all i would be able to think about is how someone else had part of what was meant for me.  what was supposed to be mine and mine alone.  i know that forgiveness is supposed to happen, and i believe that you can forgive a person for these things.  however, people don't forget stuff.  and it creates distance and space in a relationship that is supposed to be an unbreakable, united, HOLY union.  I just wish people could see the full spectrum of consequences to their actions before they decided to "live in the moment."  Yea, you might be living in the moment now, but that one moment is going to follow you for the rest of your life.  Wouldn't you rather live in the moment with a person that you know will love you forever and that will always be there for you, and that only experiences sex with YOU?  Because then you don't have to think about the others.  You could focus on the one person that God gave to you.  As a GIFT.

I know I would...

My second thought for this blog is a little bit more personal (sorry).  Lately, I've been hearing a LOT of stories about people's actions with sex (outside of marriage), alcohol and other things that I have always considered to be not welcome in my life.  It seems that EVERYONE has made poor choices concerning these issues, and I have recently realized how sheltered I truly am from these kinds of things.  I literally have NO past with any of that stuff.  And satan really started making me question my decision to abstain from all this.  I mean... I'm 21 now, so what if I were to drink a little?  I could totally handle it.  Even the best of people drink sometimes, right?  And what about the whole dating thing?  It doesn't really matter if I date around while waiting for God's best, right?  What if my standards in finding a guy really are too high?  Is there a guy out there that has remained pure?  Is there someone that doesn't drink?...... And a lot of other similar type thoughts were rolling around in my head.  And this weekend, I just have had enough.  I KNOW that I dont need to experience these things to fit in with the people who have experienced them.  God can use me WITHOUT a checkered past.  I don't need to be stained by the world.  And as far as finding a husband when my standards are "ridiculously high and irrational?"  God placed these standards in my heart as a young girl, and I KNOW that there IS someone that holds to the same faith and values and standards and beliefs that I do.  If there isn't, then I don't need to be dating/marrying anyone anyways, because anyone less would just be bringing me down.


Anyway.... DON'T HAVE SEX OUTSIDE OF MARRIAGE!!!!  Think about the consequences.

Today was a GREAT day!

If I were in a Dr. Bell class, my “good things” for today would be the following:

1. Got to see my grandma Pat
2. Got a job offer
3. Accepted the job offer
4. Completed my teacher certification in Illinois
5. Finally unpacked all my stuff…
6. Made the parents “so proud”
7. BEAUTIFUL drive to Indian Lake
8. Listened to Grandma Helen play the piano
9. Had a nice talk with Grandpa George

And tonight… hopefully will be the first of many GOOD night’s sleep!

I am so blessed :)

 

My Wish

So my whole life, I’ve been the type of person that wants everyone I love to be in one place.  I remember as a five year old in kindergarten being asked if I could have one wish granted, what would it be?  My response:  that my grandma and grandpa and uncles and aunts and cousins from Charlevoix AND Perry could all live in a giant dome together with me and I would never have to be without one or the other.  I wanted nothing more than for us to be together all the time.  And tonight, as a 22 year old college graduate, I find myself wishing for the same thing.  I want all of my family from Perry and Charlevoix and Indian Lake and Bourbonnais to all be in one place (and yes, you know who you are that I consider family J).

As I drove home on Sunday morning after graduation, I found myself crying as I got on the entrance ramp.  It just hit me that I wouldn’t be coming back.  It was the last time I would make that drive home (with everything I own) for the summer.  I mean, I know I will see my friends again, but it will be very different.  It sounds so cliché, but that is how it is.  And it really sucks to think about.  Anyway, I don’t even really know why I’m writing this, other than I’m sad and I want my family in one place.

I miss you!

To my dear friends...

Just a few words about some people who have affected my life while at Olivet.

·         Phil DeYoung – So one time when I was in 8^th grade, you played right before me at Celebrate Life and scared me half to death.  I wanted so badly to come to Olivet and play horn with you, and was so mad that it didn’t happen that way.  But now, more than ever, I appreciate the way things are.  You are sometimes the only person that knows how I have felt many times this past year, and I am so thankful that you have been there to talk to.  I will never forget the conversation we had during band camp about why we play the horn.  That single conversation has affected me more than you know, and I thank you for that.  I also appreciate that your honesty with people.  You are never harsh, but you never let people get away with things they shouldn’t.  It’s a quality that I very much respect in you.

·         Shauntia Mettlin – TIA!!!  You were the first person I met at Olivet, and will probably be the last person I talk to before I leave after graduation.  Holy cow.  That’s weird.  You’ve been a great friend the past five years.  I’m going to miss our Hills parties and watching the Real World with you.   You’re the only person that understands my love for trashy music and trashy TV.   You’ve made my life a lot more interesting while I’ve been here.  We tend to get into trouble, but it’s been fun! 

·         Sarah O’Neal – I’m amazed at how God sees each situation and uses them to give us exactly what we need.  I’m so glad that we ended up rooming together sophomore year (and the years following), because I gained a best friend.  Thanks for the shopping trips, chocolate chip cookies, movie nights (that I slept through) and all the laughs we had.  And thanks for the many times you would just listen and be an encourager to me.  You are a great friend, and I have missed having you around very much this past year. 

·         Jacqueline Rose – You are a type of friend everyone needs!  No matter what, I know I can count on you to listen and not judge whatever messed up situation I am in.  And you ALWAYS keep your mouth shut!  Thank you lol.  Thanks for always being so encouraging and supportive of me.  I always appreciate your random notes of encouragement during the life’s most stressful times.  If you ever need to talk, don’t hesitate to call.  Or just call if you are bored.  Because I’ll probably want to talk, too haha.

·         Ryan Schultz – I just want to say thanks first for everything that you have done to better the music department at Olivet.  I am so glad that you held us to a higher standard and that you challenged us with music that actually made us practice!  Second, I want to say thanks for being such a great mentor in my life.  I’ve learned so much about music, leadership, teaching, and life in general from you.  I’m going to miss all those random talks in your office (“headaches,” as you like to call them).  And you make my life a bit more fun, so thanks for that, too J

·         Rebeckah Sterns – I sure am going to miss talking to you.  You always have such a level head about everything, especially when I am freaking out.  I love that I can talk to you for forever, about the same things, over and over and over, and you never complain.  You’re a great listener.  I think what I’m going to miss most about you is that you are so strong in your faith.  You’ve been such a great mentor to me in the past couple of years, and I will miss you very much.   I wish you and Randy a wonderful life together.   I’ll see you at the wedding!

·         Bethany and Andy Wright – What would I do without my life coach(es)?  You two have been one of the biggest blessings this semester!  I’m SOOO glad that we are friends. You both are always so encouraging to me in whatever new “challenge” life has thrown at me.  Your Christ-like character speaks volumes about the people you are and I appreciate your input to my life more than you know.  And I like your baby, too J

·         Patrick Wright – wow, buddy.  We’re something.  That’s for sure.  But I wouldn’t trade my experiences with you for anything.  You’ve made me laugh, and you’ve made me cry a few times, too.  But through everything, you’ve caused me to grow.  You’ve been a significant part of my life the past couple years, and I sincerely wish you happiness in whatever you choose to do and wherever you decide to go.  You’re my best friend, and I love you.  Very much.  Please, please, pleeeeease make good choices.   And you better call me from time to time, because if you don’t, wellll….. just call me ;)

And I'll put these memories on here so that just in case you are reading this and don't have a facebook, you can enjoy them :)

1.       Awful roommates.  And their fish, Keshit, or whatever his name was...

2.       Band Camp musical

3.       Bedtime stories

4.       Bidet

5.       Bipinbop

6.       Bowling.  On a Tuesday.  At 1:30 in the afternoon.

7.       Brass Stretches in the Pit

8.       Bridal Showers

9.       Chris Martin’s cough

10.   Conducting with Nostils…. If you know, you know…

11.   Conversations in the recruiting office

12.   Daily unappreciated phone calls…you know who you are.  And btw, you’re welcome!

13.   Dairy Queen Studio

14.   DALE CLEVENGER!!!

15.   Decorating after BWS

16.   Drum Major Sectionals ;)

17.   Family movie night/nap time

18.   Five for all Forever!

19.   GOBSTOPPERS!

20.   Hiding from brass consort

21.   I <3 Tommy H ;)

22.   I put my ones up here…

23.   Kendra’s ‘all-purpose’ scream

24.   Late night phone calls when Harmony projects are due

25.   Magic in the Rhine River

26.   Mean Girls Sorority.  HA!

27.   My brakes going out in Chicago

28.   Panera fund!

29.   P-B-An-GEL-a

30.   Picnic time J

31.   Pink Hair!

32.   Prof. Schultz’s office decorating

33.   Recital after parties

34.   Rest stop on I-80

35.   Rocks.  And More Rocks.

36.   Spaghetti, Grilled Sandwiches, Oreo Balls?

37.   SPLENDOR!!!

38.   Spray and Wash vs. Centipede

39.   Tears shed on the steps outside Larsen

40.   The Chops Dance

41.   The Family

42.   The fruit fly trap

43.   The Larsen Curse

44.   The stage/pit massacre

45.   TRIFECTA!!!!

46.   Tweedle-Dee and Tweedle…Dee.

47.   Walking around the church Parking Lot in Osco, IL. over and over and over

48.   Wonderful roommates J

49.   World Musics fun

50.   You’re a mess!