The Last (and Most Important) Lesson

I am officially done student teaching.  Today was my last day with the kids and it definitely broke my heart to leave them.  I’m excited for my own classroom, but I really will miss those kids though.   BUT they gave me some gifts to remember them by.  The 4^th graders made me going away cards and I now have my first poster to put on the wall of my office next year, made and signed by the kids in band.

As I look back on this semester, there definitely has been a lot of growth in me.  I came into the semester not wanting to be a teacher AT ALL.  I wanted to be a performance major and that was that.  But the kids definitely changed my mind.  Leaving today was so hard, as I am so attached to each and every one of them.  Even though sometimes they drive me CRAZY, I wouldn’t change it.  And now I am turning down grad school to be a teacher.  Who would have thought?!  I’ve learned a lot about myself, a lot about kids, a lot about my friends, and a lot about the world.

I was reminded today of what teaching is all about.  As I was giving my last goodbyes to the 4^th graders, a student that normally is a bit rebellious, occasionally disruptive and not well liked by many of the other teachers  (he’s a student that usually seems to be written off by teachers and other students.  Although I must admit, he is one of my favorites) came up and gave me a HUGE hug.  And he wouldn’t let go.  He kinda started crying a little bit.  And he finally let go and looked up and said “Miss Harris, I will reeeaallllly miss you!!”  And he gave me another giant hug.  And it hit me right then that THAT is what teaching is all about.  Reaching the kids that no one else will.  I felt like I made a difference in his life.  Two years down the road, he may not remember me or anything that happened in 4^th grade music class, but RIGHT NOW, in 2011, I was the encourager and supporter that he needed, and I’m glad that I could make his life a little better.  Even if it was only a half-hour, twice a week.  Teaching is about being Jesus to the people and students who may never have a chance to see Him.  It’s about showing His love to the kids, because they may not have anyone else who loves them.  It’s what life is about!

 I’m so thankful that I had the opportunity to be with these kids this semester!  Hopefully they learned something from me, because they sure did teach me a lot!

Back to Square One

This weekend has been one of the most rollercoaster weekends.  Ever.   I didn’t really think anything of it, except that I knew my Roosevelt audition was the next day.   When I got home at 3:30, I checked my mail, and of course, the DePaul letter I had been sooooo eagerly awaiting was sitting in our mailbox.  I had told myself before that I didn’t want to open it until after my Roosevelt audition, but I really really wanted to.  So I sat on my couch with the unopened envelope in my hand for 15 minutes.  I finally decided to open it.  I didn’t read it for another two minutes, but when I finally did read it… bad news.  And poor timing, to say the least.  I mean, literally less than 24 hours before the audition that I really wanted.  Yep.  So I sat on my couch for about an hour and fifteen minutes.  Crying.  I’m not really sure why I was so upset.  I didn’t really want to go to DePaul.  I knew that when we drove into Chicago.  Just a feeling that I didn’t like.  And I had always only wanted to study with Dale.  So I was a little confused as to why I was so upset.  But I think it was because this was the first time that I had ever really been rejected from something.  And it sucked.  Anyway, I only told a few people.  I had only been intending to tell one person until after my Roosevelt audition, but good friends know when things are up… And I have good friends.  J

The next day was interesting.  I went to Chicago by myself.  It made me kind of nervous, but I did it.  And that alone, made me feel independent, like I was going to survive, no matter what happened that day.  I know its kind of silly to think like that, but it’s the little things that help you to move on.  Anyway, I was really discouraged going into the audition.  But I believe that God knew ahead of time that I would need someone with me that day.  Earlier in the week, I had asked Phil to come down for support.  I never thought that he would be such a blessing that day.  He’s really the only person that I think knows EXACTLY how I feel right now and it was nice to talk to him about it.  And he’s really good about making you feel better about your life.

My actual audition I think went really well.  I don’t think I’ll get in, but I think I played well.  It was actually like a lesson with him.  Which was nice.  Kind of a reminder about how I should be playing.  It was good.  And Dale remembered me and we had a normal conversation before and after the playing part of it.  Haha.  Then Phil and I had a GREAT day in Chicago.  If you want full details, read Phil’s note on facebook (you should.  It’s a good note!).  Otherwise, the short version: Some guy gave us free tickets into the art institute, so we went there and looked at the art (and talked about our lives….).  Then we went to Bennigans for dinner.  Then the CSO, which was soooo good!  And while we were there, one of the fellow horn grad student audition-ees was sitting right behind me, so I talked to him for a while.  So presh haha.   After the concert, I went back to the train station and finally got home about 1:30 in the morning.  Saturday was honestly one of the best days that I have had in a very long time.  Thanks, Phil!

Some of the things Phil and I talked about have really kind of been sitting with me for a while (since before we talked actually) and maybe it is time that I share with people what’s been going on in my heart for some time now.  I don’t actually know if I want to go to graduate school.  I mean, its something that I want, but I don’t know if right now is the right time to pursue a master’s degree.  And I don’t know if horn performance is something that I am truly in love with.  I hear so much crap from people when I tell them I only applied to two schools (and two GREAT schools, at that.  Thanks Phil and Ryan for making me realize that even though I failed to get in, I tried for something, and I don’t regret it.  I needed to do this for me.).  Honestly, though, I ONLY wanted to study with Mr. Clevenger.  DePaul was the “practice audition” as Margaret called it.  It’s been my goal since my freshman year when I first heard him and met him that I wanted to study with him and only him.  There hasn’t been any other grad school that I have even wanted to look at.  Maybe for like a short amount of time, but nothing like my desire to study horn at Roosevelt with Dale.   Anyway, as I have been thinking about it, I DID study with him.  This summer.  Maybe Marrowstone was the fulfillment of that dream of mine?  After all, he was my teacher, and I learned so much, but now that I’m seeing the bigger picture, I don’t know if performance is right for me.  I mean, music is fun.  I love playing my horn, and I love playing in ensembles.  I love everything about it.  But locking myself in a practice room for 4-6 hours a day until something is PERFECT?  Nope. It just doesn’t sound fun to me.  Then what happens when I finally get my degree?  Um…. Take auditions like nobody’s business until I can find a job in an orchestra that doesn’t really pay much? Yea.  Not so much. 

Sorry, I sound really bitter and angry about the situation.  That’s not really the case, I’ve just thought a lot about it lately and realized that I probably won’t ever make it in the performing world.  But let’s just say that I do make it…. Is that really the kind of life that I want to have a family in?  I mean….  Yea, at times it would be fun.  Lots of travelling, and fun people to meet, and my kids certainly would be cultured.  But that’s just the thing… lots of travelling, a random schedule, I’d probably have to live in a big city, and I’d never be able to just live a normal life.  I want to raise my kids in a small town (call me crazy, but I actually LIKED the small town feel of good-ol Perry).  I want to give them stability and being a musician, freelance or otherwise, just doesn’t provide for that too well….  Would it be fun?  Heck yes.  For someone that is in their twenties and single.   But I think that there are other things that I want to do with my life.

Who knows though.  If I get accepted into Roosevelt (Which I highly doubt), I don’t know if I want to go.  I mean, as I sat there and waited for my audition, I listened to a lot of pretentious music people talking about silly things like “stupid conductors” and all the cool music they were playing and how their lives had been changed by it and all the time spent practicing for one tiny part in a piece they were working on.  Part of me really wants to be one of them, and another part of me really just wants to be normal.  I don’t know what to do.  I’ve always kind of wanted to live in the city for a small part of my life… and this would be a good time to do it.  I mean, I’m young, single and have nothing holding me to anything.  I could do it.  And… if I get accepted and don’t take up the offer, how am I supposed to meet up with my new friend I met this weekend?  I kinda have to say yes, right? ;) 

Or….. if I don’t get accepted, do I just get a job for the year keep auditioning next year?  Or do I just assume  that I wasn’t supposed to go to graduate school for performance and just settle for something else? (Not that I believe teaching is settling AT ALL.  I LOVE my students and I LOVE going in to school each day.  THEY have taught ME so much this semester!)  I just don’t know what I want.  One of my friends told me recently that I used to know exactly what I wanted out of life, but since I started teaching, I’ve been wishy-washy.  So I don’t know what is going on.

Anyway.  Long story short, I got rejected by DePaul.  Cried about it.  Auditioned at Roosevelt.  Spent the day with Phil.  Talked about lots of things.  And now here are some of those thoughts in this blog.  Feel free to give comments about what you think.  I’d love to hear your input, because at this point, I could really use some advice. 

~Brittany

P.S. Please don’t say “just wait until you actually find out about Roosevelt and then make a decision” because I think that’s kind of like… duh. Haha.

Forgiveness. Is more than saying sorry.

Once again, I haven’t blogged for awhile.  So… here this is.  I’m not really sure what exactly this is going to be about, but we will see where it ends up J

These past few weeks have been crazy to say the least.  Student teaching is still going well.  I’m enjoying it a lot.  But the more I get involved, the more it makes me want my own classroom.  I’ve also been thinking a lot about my life as a performance major.  I auditioned at DePaul a few weeks ago.  It was alright.  I’m not sure if I played well enough to get in, but it was an audition experience.  Actually that whole week was an experience…. Haha.  We had just gotten done with BWS, and that had taken its toll on me a little bit, but I was ready for the next week, or so I thought.  Monday night I had commencement concert auditions (which turned out to be one of the longest nights of my life!!), Tuesday we had a band concert thing.  Wednesday I had my 8^th grade concert.  That went pretty well.  I was the FIRST one to conduct on the program, so I was super nervous, but it went well.  Then Thursday night I had horn lessons and Friday Patrick and Ian and I drove to Indian Lake to play at the Candle Lake Valentine’s dinner thing.  It was really nice to go to the lake and be with my family.  Especially after such a stressful time in my life.  I don’t know why, but whenever I go to the lake, I always feel at home.  It’s like all of my stress and problems just disappear.  I love that place so much.  And I got to see Beka and Lamica and it was really nice to just catch up to them. 

Anyway, Saturday morning came and Patrick and Ian and I got up super early (well… I got up super early because I couldn’t sleep, and they got up early) and we traveled to DePaul.  I made Patrick drive so I could sleep and focus on what needed to happen that day.  As we drove into Chicago, my first thought was “I can’t go to school here.”  I was so incredibly stressed out from the traffic and I wasn’t even driving.  We finally made it to DePaul and as we walked in, Ashlie walked by us on the way to her audition.  She was there with her mom.  It was SO nice to have someone there with you that knew what you were feeling.  And I was so thankful for her mom to be there.  Not that the boys didn’t do a good job of destressing me by singing a lovely rendition of Sweet Child of Mine on the drive into the city, but there is something about having a mom with you that just calms your nerves.  So that was nice.  After Ashlie and I both had our auditions, we stayed and talked for a while.  About 1:30-ish, we decided to head back home, and it was quite the interesting drive.  There was so much stuff filling my head and so many memories from the past two years that was just flooding my heart.  I don’t think the boys were aware, but I definitely cried on the way home.  Everything was just so bittersweet that weekend, and I knew that it was about to end.  Not just the weekend, but I felt like difficult times were ahead and that life was about to make a huge change.  I was right.

The weeks following that (I say this like it was 6 years ago…. It was only like the past 2 weeks, but it feels like FOREVER ago!)  probably have been some of the strangest weeks ever.  There was so much going on with me.  I got sick and Dena told me I had an ulcer from all the stress.   My dad came down for class and I got to see him for a little bit. Then we had band tour.  OMG.  So…. Hmmm…. Well… it was something ;)  I love going on tours because you get to see a side of people you don’t normally get to see.  And you become a lot closer with people.  It’s a good bonding experience to say the least.  And I got to see the mom and Colleen, so that was nice.  I also kept my new years resolution to face my fears and gave my testimony on tour.  First time ever.  But, God told me I needed to do it, so I told Ryan a few days before and then I spoke on tour. Not only was I terrified of speaking to people, but giving my testimony scares me like none other.  Not necessarily in a personal situation, but to speak in front of a group of my peers, my friends, and a ton of people I didn’t know…. YIKES!  But it turned out alright.  God never gives you something you can’t handle.

I don’t really remember much about the next week.  Or maybe there just wasn’t anything important going on.  O well.  I DO remember that Friday night I went up to Northwestern with some friends to see Mallory Thompson Conduct Maslanka Symphony No. 4 with their wind ensemble.  THAT was INCREDIBLE!!! It’s like my new favorite piece.  I cried during the performance.  It was SO good.  And I was with some pretty great people, so that made it even better.  Then I decided to go spend the weekend away from campus.  Saturday morning I got up and traveled to Bloomington to hang out with Sarah.  It was really nice to be with her and just talk like we used to.  It was good to catch up.  I really miss her.  Sunday when I came home, I had a headache a little bit and discovered that I had a pretty high fever.  So did Tia.  So these past couple days have been pretty miserable.  I’ve stayed home from school for 3 days because by fever didn’t get below 99.9, and finally today I’m kinda feeling better.

I always write a little bit about significant things in my life and this blog didn’t really have that.  So... here is what God has been teaching me these past few days.  Forgiveness.  I feel like this semester I have been a lot more… idk… tender hearted?  I know it might not seem like it to some people, but I really have been going through a lot of stuff this semester.  With everything.  Anyway, a few days ago (and this has kind of been building up for a while), I realized how important certain people are in my life.  And that sometimes, regardless of what everyone tells you, you need to examine what you truly want.  A wise friend of mine (Phil) asked me during band camp what was more important to me… an apology or a friendship.  And I kind of knew what that meant at the time and took it for what I thought I needed.  But I don’t think it ever has meant more to me than it has these past few days.  I realized that for all the pain I have been through, the good still outweighs the bad in the friendship.  As for as stubborn as I am and as much as I hate that I’m always the one to initiate the apologies, it’s worth it to have that friendship in your life.  When you really love someone, that love never goes away.   And I learned that when you do apologize, it feels really good to have that person back.  As much as everyone tells you that it’s time to cut your losses and move on and that you’ve filled the “apology quota,” I’ve learned that if someone is really important to you, there aren’t enough apologies in the world.  And even if I have to be the apology instigator every single time, I will be, because I love this person and I value them and what they bring to my life.

ANYWAY….  Thanks Phil for your insight to my life.  And you didn’t even say anything this time!   Alright.  I’m done writing because I can’t handle it anymore.  And I think I’m done being in this stupid house.  I hate being sick.  I’m going to orchestra!

Galli[fricken]maufry!!

So just in case you didn’t know…  BWS is done, HOORAY!!!  And Gallimaufry was the title of band winter showcase this year.  It means a random jumble or hodgepodge of things.  And that’s pretty much what this blog is going to be.  A random jumble.  I’ve got a lot of things on my brain, and it’s going to come up like word vomit.  In my study hall today, I literally made a list of the things I wanted to write about.  So… Here’s to a great BWS year, and here’s to this blog!  Hope you enjoy. J

Topic number one (and two… they kind of go together):  Student teaching (and BWS) – So student teaching has been one of the biggest blessings in my life this semester.  I have learned so much and feel like I’ve become more of a capable, functioning adult.  I know I’m still going to Olivet, but in reality, I’m really not.  I work full time and am a professional (influencing lives).   I know that I will be able to survive outside of Olivet (because I kind of am right now), and being in the classroom makes me excited for my own.  I also have been shockingly surprised at how much teaching has been a blessing throughout BWS season.  I got so much crap from people last year when I decided to run for band president again.  Everyone told me how hard it was going to be and that I was going to die from exhaustion, and all this other stuff.  Coming into the semester, I’ll admit, I was a bit scared.  My mind kept going to those places telling me that I wasn’t going to make it and that I made a bad decision and all these other things. (side note: I really hate when the devil uses our insecurities against us.  I KNOW that God told me last year that I would be capable of doing the job, but sometimes it just takes one little bit of doubt for the devil to creep in and infiltrate our minds with things that just don’t belong!)  Anyway, being the extremely stubborn and strong willed person that I am (and trust me, we will get to that later!), I refused to admit defeat.  To ANYONE.  But being at school was the best thing that could have happened because it actually caused me to worry less about BWS.  When I was at school, my mind was completely focused on my teaching.  I was able to immerse myself in what I was doing.   If I was at Olivet running this show, all I would sit in Larsen all day thinking about what needed to get done and how I was going to make it happen.  I would probably spend so much time running around trying to do everything myself and then try to hang out with my friends and then not do stuff.  But this year, that didn’t happen.  I would use my 8^th hour study hall and just make lists of things that needed to get done.  Then, I’d go home and do them.   Much more efficient!  PS.  Shout out to Danyne and Rebeckah, you are both VERY appreciated!!!! 

I also want to make a good note about how God always plans ahead.  I was SOOOOO thankful that we had two snow days this week.  I think it helped a lot to reduce my stress level (and increase them in other ways, but whatever).  I was able to not have to stay up late and wake up early for this show which was AMAZING!!  God always gives us help when we ask for it.  And I think that snow days were his form of relief for me this week.  Along with the snow days came some grief though.  I learned that college kids are whinier than jr. highers!  Not cool.  I got so much crap for having rehearsals on a snow day.  But honestly, I think that it was good for us.  Just because life decides to send a storm doesn’t mean that we can abandon our responsibilities.  We still have things that have to get done.  If we didn’t have rehearsals during those snow days, we would have had 3 runthroughs, 3 days off and then the shows.  Yikes!  That would not have worked out for anyone!  It would have been awful.  But I learned that I can make decisions in the face of opposition, and it actually worked out well.  The show was great!  And I think that if people really take the time to look back on it, they would be glad that we DID go through with rehearsals.

There have also been a lot of moral/ethical/religious topics that I have been dealing with the past two weeks, as well.  First is our choices we make.  I already kind of talked about making hard decisions, but I think that this is different.  Sometimes I just do not understand people.  They choose to live in ways that are simply NOT good.  People always get upset and say that this kind of thing is really a religious conversation, but take religion out of it for a second.  ANY PERSON can see that sometimes choices are simply not good.  They often endure the pain that making poor choices causes and just blame it on whatever excuse they can find.  NO!  This pain that they feel is SIN.  As I’ve gotten older, I’ve been able to see just how awful and ugly sin really is.  And then what really hurts me is when people make mistakes (we all do, and that’s ok.  It’s a part of life) and they DON’T learn from them.  They fall and hit rock bottom and clearly are in agony  over whatever part of their life they just messed up, but then they get right back up and keep making the same mistakes.  It’s like they are addicted to the pain.  Wait. Stop.  They are addicted to the good feeling and then regret it later.  I’ve thought about this before.  It’s like a drug.  People know they are bad for you and they always want to quit, but for some reason the high they feel when they are on the drug is much more enticing than the consequences.  Regardless of the risks and the regret and the pain it causes later, the high is worth more to them.  I think people need to think more long term before making decisions.  It’s not easy, but well worth it in the end.  My mom always used to tell me before I went to school each day (and still tells me) “Always make good choices, Brittany.  I love you.”  I’m so thankful for parents who instilled good values in me and raised me to live for a Higher Purpose.  I’m so glad that [for the most part] I have always been able to think long term before I make decisions.  It has been a life saver in many ways.

Another thing I’ve really been struggling with is regret.  I’m generally not the type of person to regret things.  I always have thought that things happen for a reason and if we make bad decisions, we should learn from them and keep going.  However, this past month, I really have been dealing a lot with regret.  I’ve been trying really hard to keep going and think about what I’ve learned from the situation, but sometimes, it’s really difficult to see the good outcome of a situation.  It’s is also really difficult to be able to forgive yourself.  But I have done a lot of thinking and I’ve come to the conclusion that sometimes the best decision is to simply let go.  As much as it hurts (for some reason, holding on always seems like it hurts less), giving up is the best option.  Now, I am in no way an advocate of giving up or  quitting when times get hard, but after a while, it just gets to be too much to bear, so you have to.  For your own sanity.  I’ve always been the type of person to take on other people’s problems.  Sometimes, it hurts me more then it hurts them.  Every time a situation gets too much, I’ll usually end up breaking down crying to my mom and she always says the same thing: “Brittany, when you get to heaven, God isn’t going to ask you what they did, but rather what YOU did.  Just make sure that your actions are in line with what God wants you to be doing.”  And then she usually follows it with the make good choices quote (I guess today is the mom quote day lol).  Anyway, she is right, and I’ve had to keep that in mind a lot in the past month.  It’s really difficult, but we can’t force people to learn.  We can try and try and try, but people really have to learn for themselves.  And sometimes, it’s just better if we leave it alone and let them learn on their own.  It sucks, but its true.

Anyway, this blog is far too long.  I’ve been trying to finish writing it for 3 days.  But I feel like I need to end with a quote from Kenneth on one of my new favorite shows, 30 Rock.

“There is always a right choice, but it is not always an easy one.”  Think about that for the next week (or three) until I write again J

Today was a Character Builder...

...And so is this blog... its kinda long, and random. Sorry.

I’m becoming more like my dad every day.  It’s definitely a good thing.  My dad is a great leader and teacher and today/this week I’ve seen more of him in me than I ever have before.  One of the great things that he is able to do when leading large groups of people is to see the entire picture. I think that as I learn more about myself through student teaching, I have been able to take a step back and look at the bigger pictures and how each thing affects another.  I’ve always been a very detail oriented type person (which is good, because God is in the details!), but it’s also nice to be able to see what else is going on on other planes. 

I’ve also learned to “man-up” when dealing with people.  Maybe it is just about facing my fears, but today, I was forced to do one of the things I hate the most in life… confront people.  And I had to do it multiple times, with different people.  I HATE it!!!!  I don’t like being pushy or seeming controlling.  But I’m thankful for the friend today that forced me to do what I fear most of all as a leader.   It was difficult and painful, but in the end, I will have grown from it.  And I think I have.  The things in life that benefit us the most are always the most difficult to endure… or something like that…

Another thing that has been on my mind lately is living a life of authenticity.  I believe be an authentic person is the one of the most important things that we can be.  What do I mean by that?  Well, for me being authentic is kind of like the opposite of having integrity (KIND OF!).  Integrity is who you are when no one is watching.  I think being authentic is who you are in every situation around people.  For example, if you proclaim to be a Christ-follower but live a different life outside the church, you are not authentic.  It means being the same person in every area of your life.  And I don’t mean having slightly different personalities with different people, because sometimes that happens, and that’s ok.  Different people bring out different sides to our personality.  I mean having the same values and belief systems in all situations of life.  You can’t say one thing and do another.  It just doesn’t work!  And it makes me SO incredibly angry when people aren’t authentic.  Not only does it hurt people, but I feel like it decreases your face value as a person.  I mean, seriously!  If you want respect in a situation, give respect in a situation.  Practice what you preach.  And don’t just say what you think people want to hear.  Life would be soooo much less complicated if we all did this.  Easier said than done, I know.  But still.  Be who you really are all the time!  Ok.  Enough of that rant…

I’ve also learned to be extremely organized in my schedule.  Between student teaching, band winter showcase and grad school auditions, my life sometimes seems a little crazy.  But I’ve been able to stay surprisingly calm about most of it.  I’m not really sure how I’ve been able to do this other than just simply not stress out.  It sounds a lot harder than it actually is (at least for me).  I have no idea how or when this changed, but I just decided that I’m not going to stress about it and I haven’t.  If I can make it through Valentines Day, I will be golden.  But until then… teacher work sample, lesson plans, testing, band winter showcase rehearsals and preparation,  8^th grade band concert, BWS – the actual shows, brass trio gig in Michigan, a DePaul audition the next morning, KVSO concert the next day, and when I finally make it to Valentine’s Day I may actually be HAPPY to spend some time alone J  Then I can focus on what really matters… the Roosevelt audition!  Haha.  Until then, it’s a busy couple of weeks for me.  They say God never gives you more than you can handle.  I sure hope everyone is right!  I always try and think about the future in these situations.   It will be interesting to look back and see how God uses this hot mess. Lol.

50 days, 369.25 hours to go!

This week. Its kinda been a rough one, friends.  There's just so much going on with me right now! Its crazy and hectic, but I feel like I'm finally learning to deal.  With everything.  I feel like with all the stuff going on and everything I have to do, I've finally started to learn how to cope successfully without being stressed.  FINALLY.

I've completed my second week of student teaching.  It was an interesting week.  I feel like a teacher now.  One, because I saw students outside of the classroom a few times and they actually recognized me and said "Hi Mrs. Harris" (I've been called Mrs. Harris soooo many times!!!! or Mrs. Harrison or lol) haha.  and two, because I got to buy girl scout cookies from a student lol.  I have successfully taught and tested 75 fourth graders on their yellow belt.  I LOOOOOVE hearing the most boring song played over and over ;)  But watching them learn a new piece and take pride in their playing when they get their belt is well worth it. The eighth graders were a bit more... challenging this week, but today they did really well.  And when I conducted our piece the entire way through today, I was so proud of the work that they did.  And the seventh graders.  I think they might be my favorite to teach.  I started a new piece with them, and they are really doing great with it.  Its a bit more challenging for them, and they really like being pushed, which is great to see!  Whenever I say that its time to work on a different piece, they all groan a little bit.  "Why can't we keep working on this piece till we get it??"  Its nice to see them wanting to grow!  I'm actually enjoying student teaching a lot more than I thought I would (save for a few things).  Its actually made me kinda want to be a teacher somewhat.  It used to be that I didn't want to give up the teaching for performance and once I finally embraced performance/graduate school, I now don't want to give up teaching lol.  I wish that God would just give me a map to my life and tell me straight up what to do.  It would be so much easier!

In other aspects of my life, I've finally completed and submitted my application to Roosevelt and DePaul tonight.  It makes me a little nervous.  I really want to get in and go to grad school, but I don't know if it is what I should do.  I thought for a long time that it was.  And then I was having doubts about it.  I decided to back off on it and only apply to schools that I know I really want to attend, but I still have somewhat unsettled feelings about it.  I think it may just be fear of rejection, but as I stated before, this year, I'm refusing to let fear get the best of me. 

I've also been struck this week with a number of different insightful thoughts.  From various places, a CD that has been playing in my car, people I've talked to, and from one of my favorite books, Do Hard Things by Alex and Brett Harris.

If all of these trials bring me closer to You, then I will go through the fire, if You want me to.
True courage is not the absence of fear, but rather refusing to allow fear to control your actions.
It is ok to fail at hard things, because effort - even failed effort, produces growth.
We got stronger, even though we failed to hit the goal. 

And this last one is was reminded to me by my cooperating teacher.  He had no idea, but I've been going through a kind of rough time with all the stuff in my life, and I had a really strange night and was still pretty emotional as I started my day just thinking about the previous night's events.  He held up His iPod and just read to me from 1 Peter 5:7 "Cast all your anxiety on Him, because He cares for you."   Isn't it interesting how God knows exactly what you need?  As soon as he shared that, I almost started crying (I didn't... whew!).  It was just a nice reminder for the day, and as I remembered that, the day got brighter and I was able to enjoy it more.  It was like God's special message for me.  I've said it before in this blog, but each day I am more and more amazed at how God works through everything to reach us in the most unexpected ways.

Two things, really.

Today and this weekend have been interesting.  I spent all weekend with the orchestra playing for clinic.  I originally thought that the music was boring and that I was going to hate it.  But as we began playing, the music really didn't change much, it was still pretty easy (except for that dang Stravinsky... stupid high notes!)  but I feel like this is probably my favorite clinic music.  I LOVE listening to it!  And I feel like this is some of my best playing I have ever done.  Maybe not the most technically correct, but musically, I feel like I have really stretched myself these past few days.  I've been playing outside the box more.  And tonight, as I was going through the dress rehearsal, I just kept hearing Dale in my brain saying things like "play to the back of the hall!"  "BLOW!!!!"  "Its not about hitting notes, but making music."  That last one really helped me push myself all through the rehearsal, and its cool to finally know what its like to make music.  And to do it without being told to by a teacher.  Its cool using a ton of air and getting a great sound.  And doing it because its what YOU want.  I know it doesn't make much sense.  But I feel like I've finally started to really become my own teacher and to listen and be super critical of myself.  I've always been able to get by at Olivet, and its been cool to finally play outside the bubble ;)

Another really cool thing happened in my student teaching today.  After I got done teaching a recorder lesson, my cooperating teacher and I were talking about a girl who played for me today.  She seemed kinda needy and like she needed a lot of positive reinforcement.  It lead to a conversation that I wasn't expecting.  He brought up the fact that we might be the only parent that these kids see.  That was a really humbling (and scary) thought, but it made me think.  I might be the only Jesus that these kids will see.  Often times with the younger students, they give hugs and tell us all about their day and experiences and everything else, and it is my job to love them.  I'm supposed to be Jesus, dressed up like a music teacher.  I thought about that a lot as the day went on.  Like I said in my last post, God uses interesting situations to teach us things, and today, he used my cooperating teacher to remind and challenge me to love every student (and person) I come into contact with.