Today was a Character Builder...

...And so is this blog... its kinda long, and random. Sorry.

I’m becoming more like my dad every day.  It’s definitely a good thing.  My dad is a great leader and teacher and today/this week I’ve seen more of him in me than I ever have before.  One of the great things that he is able to do when leading large groups of people is to see the entire picture. I think that as I learn more about myself through student teaching, I have been able to take a step back and look at the bigger pictures and how each thing affects another.  I’ve always been a very detail oriented type person (which is good, because God is in the details!), but it’s also nice to be able to see what else is going on on other planes. 

I’ve also learned to “man-up” when dealing with people.  Maybe it is just about facing my fears, but today, I was forced to do one of the things I hate the most in life… confront people.  And I had to do it multiple times, with different people.  I HATE it!!!!  I don’t like being pushy or seeming controlling.  But I’m thankful for the friend today that forced me to do what I fear most of all as a leader.   It was difficult and painful, but in the end, I will have grown from it.  And I think I have.  The things in life that benefit us the most are always the most difficult to endure… or something like that…

Another thing that has been on my mind lately is living a life of authenticity.  I believe be an authentic person is the one of the most important things that we can be.  What do I mean by that?  Well, for me being authentic is kind of like the opposite of having integrity (KIND OF!).  Integrity is who you are when no one is watching.  I think being authentic is who you are in every situation around people.  For example, if you proclaim to be a Christ-follower but live a different life outside the church, you are not authentic.  It means being the same person in every area of your life.  And I don’t mean having slightly different personalities with different people, because sometimes that happens, and that’s ok.  Different people bring out different sides to our personality.  I mean having the same values and belief systems in all situations of life.  You can’t say one thing and do another.  It just doesn’t work!  And it makes me SO incredibly angry when people aren’t authentic.  Not only does it hurt people, but I feel like it decreases your face value as a person.  I mean, seriously!  If you want respect in a situation, give respect in a situation.  Practice what you preach.  And don’t just say what you think people want to hear.  Life would be soooo much less complicated if we all did this.  Easier said than done, I know.  But still.  Be who you really are all the time!  Ok.  Enough of that rant…

I’ve also learned to be extremely organized in my schedule.  Between student teaching, band winter showcase and grad school auditions, my life sometimes seems a little crazy.  But I’ve been able to stay surprisingly calm about most of it.  I’m not really sure how I’ve been able to do this other than just simply not stress out.  It sounds a lot harder than it actually is (at least for me).  I have no idea how or when this changed, but I just decided that I’m not going to stress about it and I haven’t.  If I can make it through Valentines Day, I will be golden.  But until then… teacher work sample, lesson plans, testing, band winter showcase rehearsals and preparation,  8^th grade band concert, BWS – the actual shows, brass trio gig in Michigan, a DePaul audition the next morning, KVSO concert the next day, and when I finally make it to Valentine’s Day I may actually be HAPPY to spend some time alone J  Then I can focus on what really matters… the Roosevelt audition!  Haha.  Until then, it’s a busy couple of weeks for me.  They say God never gives you more than you can handle.  I sure hope everyone is right!  I always try and think about the future in these situations.   It will be interesting to look back and see how God uses this hot mess. Lol.

50 days, 369.25 hours to go!

This week. Its kinda been a rough one, friends.  There's just so much going on with me right now! Its crazy and hectic, but I feel like I'm finally learning to deal.  With everything.  I feel like with all the stuff going on and everything I have to do, I've finally started to learn how to cope successfully without being stressed.  FINALLY.

I've completed my second week of student teaching.  It was an interesting week.  I feel like a teacher now.  One, because I saw students outside of the classroom a few times and they actually recognized me and said "Hi Mrs. Harris" (I've been called Mrs. Harris soooo many times!!!! or Mrs. Harrison or lol) haha.  and two, because I got to buy girl scout cookies from a student lol.  I have successfully taught and tested 75 fourth graders on their yellow belt.  I LOOOOOVE hearing the most boring song played over and over ;)  But watching them learn a new piece and take pride in their playing when they get their belt is well worth it. The eighth graders were a bit more... challenging this week, but today they did really well.  And when I conducted our piece the entire way through today, I was so proud of the work that they did.  And the seventh graders.  I think they might be my favorite to teach.  I started a new piece with them, and they are really doing great with it.  Its a bit more challenging for them, and they really like being pushed, which is great to see!  Whenever I say that its time to work on a different piece, they all groan a little bit.  "Why can't we keep working on this piece till we get it??"  Its nice to see them wanting to grow!  I'm actually enjoying student teaching a lot more than I thought I would (save for a few things).  Its actually made me kinda want to be a teacher somewhat.  It used to be that I didn't want to give up the teaching for performance and once I finally embraced performance/graduate school, I now don't want to give up teaching lol.  I wish that God would just give me a map to my life and tell me straight up what to do.  It would be so much easier!

In other aspects of my life, I've finally completed and submitted my application to Roosevelt and DePaul tonight.  It makes me a little nervous.  I really want to get in and go to grad school, but I don't know if it is what I should do.  I thought for a long time that it was.  And then I was having doubts about it.  I decided to back off on it and only apply to schools that I know I really want to attend, but I still have somewhat unsettled feelings about it.  I think it may just be fear of rejection, but as I stated before, this year, I'm refusing to let fear get the best of me. 

I've also been struck this week with a number of different insightful thoughts.  From various places, a CD that has been playing in my car, people I've talked to, and from one of my favorite books, Do Hard Things by Alex and Brett Harris.

If all of these trials bring me closer to You, then I will go through the fire, if You want me to.
True courage is not the absence of fear, but rather refusing to allow fear to control your actions.
It is ok to fail at hard things, because effort - even failed effort, produces growth.
We got stronger, even though we failed to hit the goal. 

And this last one is was reminded to me by my cooperating teacher.  He had no idea, but I've been going through a kind of rough time with all the stuff in my life, and I had a really strange night and was still pretty emotional as I started my day just thinking about the previous night's events.  He held up His iPod and just read to me from 1 Peter 5:7 "Cast all your anxiety on Him, because He cares for you."   Isn't it interesting how God knows exactly what you need?  As soon as he shared that, I almost started crying (I didn't... whew!).  It was just a nice reminder for the day, and as I remembered that, the day got brighter and I was able to enjoy it more.  It was like God's special message for me.  I've said it before in this blog, but each day I am more and more amazed at how God works through everything to reach us in the most unexpected ways.

Two things, really.

Today and this weekend have been interesting.  I spent all weekend with the orchestra playing for clinic.  I originally thought that the music was boring and that I was going to hate it.  But as we began playing, the music really didn't change much, it was still pretty easy (except for that dang Stravinsky... stupid high notes!)  but I feel like this is probably my favorite clinic music.  I LOVE listening to it!  And I feel like this is some of my best playing I have ever done.  Maybe not the most technically correct, but musically, I feel like I have really stretched myself these past few days.  I've been playing outside the box more.  And tonight, as I was going through the dress rehearsal, I just kept hearing Dale in my brain saying things like "play to the back of the hall!"  "BLOW!!!!"  "Its not about hitting notes, but making music."  That last one really helped me push myself all through the rehearsal, and its cool to finally know what its like to make music.  And to do it without being told to by a teacher.  Its cool using a ton of air and getting a great sound.  And doing it because its what YOU want.  I know it doesn't make much sense.  But I feel like I've finally started to really become my own teacher and to listen and be super critical of myself.  I've always been able to get by at Olivet, and its been cool to finally play outside the bubble ;)

Another really cool thing happened in my student teaching today.  After I got done teaching a recorder lesson, my cooperating teacher and I were talking about a girl who played for me today.  She seemed kinda needy and like she needed a lot of positive reinforcement.  It lead to a conversation that I wasn't expecting.  He brought up the fact that we might be the only parent that these kids see.  That was a really humbling (and scary) thought, but it made me think.  I might be the only Jesus that these kids will see.  Often times with the younger students, they give hugs and tell us all about their day and experiences and everything else, and it is my job to love them.  I'm supposed to be Jesus, dressed up like a music teacher.  I thought about that a lot as the day went on.  Like I said in my last post, God uses interesting situations to teach us things, and today, he used my cooperating teacher to remind and challenge me to love every student (and person) I come into contact with.

First Week of School!

What a crazy week!  I started student teaching on Monday, and I'd have to say that its been going pretty well so far.  I teach 4th grade general music class in the mornings, and then travel to the middle school where I teach 7th and 8th grade band and also the Jr. High jazz band in the early morning.  I also teach lessons on Mondays.

Here are a few highlights of my week.  The first day back, the fourth graders were telling us all about their breaks and what kinds of gifts they got.  After far too many nine year olds telling everyone that they got new cell phones, laptops, iPods and iPhones, one boy exclaimed "Well I got cornrows!!!"  haha.  They are all pretty cute.

On Monday, the fourth graders began recorder karate.  If you don't know what that is, its basically consists of them performing a piece and then if they pass, they get a certain color belt (or piece of yarn) to tie around the bell of their recorders.  They begin with the white belt and each piece gets increasingly difficult.  Well... the kids love it.  Its amazing what kids will do for a piece of string!  When one girl finally passed her white belt test and got her yarn tied to her instrument, she looked at me and was so excited because she "got her white belt!!! I practiced and practiced and I finally did it!  Its my first time! :)"  It was kind of exciting to see her get so excited and be so proud of herself.  She earned it.

At the middle school, I've had full control of the seventh grade band all week and most of the week with the eighth graders.  Its interesting to see how much difference there is between one grade level.  The seventh graders seem to respect me and listen most of the time, but the 8th graders act like their too cool to listen to a student teacher.  There are a few in the 8th grade that I've bonded with, but most of them think they are hot stuff haha.  With the 7th graders, its been really rewarding though.  I've started all new music with them this semester and at the end of the week, my cooperating teacher complimented them saying that he was proud of them for doing so well with all the changes this week and that he was really surprised by how well the music sounded after a week.  I thought that was a great compliment to my teaching, too.  Sometimes they got really annoyed by how picky I was being with certain things, but I think that all our hard work paid off.  I've actually enjoyed it a lot more than I thought I would.

This week has been an incredible growth week for me.  There's been a lot of things that have crossed my mind and made me really examine who I am and who I want to be.  I'm always amazed at how God uses certain people and situations to teach you lessons or remind you of something.  I've also been reminded this week at how incredibly blessed and I thankful I am to have such great friends.  You know who you are and I appreciate you more than you know :)

This year, for one of my new year's resolutions, I decided to keep a blog.  So, this is it.  HOORAY! haha.

I decided for my first blog, I would post my new years resolutions so that they are written down and I can see them and be able to see them throughout the year.

1.  Keep a blog.  Check!
2. Get into graduate school.  Preferably Roosevelt so I can study with DALE!!
3.  Practice more than I need to... ok, maybe not more than I need to, but more than I do.
4. Get through this semester without going crazy.
5. Read for pleasure.  Top of the list now: The Good Life by Chuck Colson and Kardashian Kondfidential :)
6. Become organized and get rid of things that clutter my life!
7. Face my fears.

That last one is probably the biggest challenge on this list.  I've realized recently that fear in my life keeps me from doing a lot of things.  I'm not talking about staying in my house because the sky might fall or I might get hit by a bus kind of fear, but fear of not knowing what is coming.  As I begin my last semester at Olivet, my fear has only increased with the things going on around me.  I start student teaching in two days, BWS is a month away, I have no idea what I'll be doing come May 8th, and whats more, I have no idea what I want to do with my life.

The day after Thanksgiving, I was talking with my dad and I realized I often tend to run away when things get dark.  If it looks difficult, causes change or creates any sort of tension in my life, I tend to run away or push it to the side until absolutely necessary, or until it confronts me again.

Thats not how I should be living.  God calls us to live by faith.  He wants me to be so in tune to Him that I can walk out onto the water, not be able to see the bottom, and know that I am safe with Him.  So this year, thats what I'm going to do.  Keep my eyes focused on what matters, grab life by the [horns] and stop living in constant fear.