Good Things to Share

So after a really long, exhausting, stressful, and emotion-filled first week of school, I decided that to kind of help my sanity, I needed to pull a "Dr. Bell" and list the good things of each day.  Obviously, I won't post every single day, but today is the first day, and I haven't posted in a while.  Anyway, here they are for today...

1. I started 20 students in my fifth grade band today.  Not bad, considering that there are only 33 fifth graders total :)  My high school band has 23.  A couple more years and my band will be HUGE!!
2. I have 34 students signed up to be in the elementary school choir.  My high school choir has 22.
3. I had a really encouraging email from a parent this morning.  Nothing specifically about me, but it just made me happy because she was supporting her daughter's decision to be involved in music.  It almost made me cry.
4. My sixth graders are FINALLY starting to sing with a supported sound and they sound GREAT!  My third graders are not too far behind, either.
5. I got a monitor in my office, so I can finally work IN the band room instead of in the lab upstairs.
6. My SMARTboard is being installed tomorrow!
7. I have really great friends at the schools I teach at.
8. I have a great family that loves and supports me from 5 hours away.  I got to talk to my mom and skype with my sister and Danny.
9. My last ILNC paycheck was way more than I thought it would be, especially considering that I only worked 4 days of the pay period.
10. I got the new Activate! magazine and it has LOTS of world music lesson plans.  PERFECT for this fall, because our theme for Grandparent's Day is around the world!

Just Some Thoughts Lately

I find it interesting that you at one point, you said you wanted me to stand up for you and be in your wedding party.  Because I was that important to you.

I hate that I was always the one to apologize.  You would treat me like crap, and I’d get mad.  You’d get mad at me for being mad at you, so we wouldn’t talk for a little while.  Somehow, it seems, that you would always convince me that I was the one who was being irriational.  And I would eventually come to the conclusion that you were right and I just needed to apologize.  After all, why would you purposely do something to hurt me? I don’t know either.   But I would always leave the situation feeling about 2 inches tall, and you’d walk away like nothing had even happened.   I don’t get it.  Did you have to be such the “bigger man” that you couldn’t even own up to the crap you pulled?  You couldn’t treat me like the friend I was and simply apologize?

And the fact that I was always the one that seemed to initiate our friendship just baffles me.   I was always the one to call and ask if you wanted to hang out.  I was always the one that would text you to see how you were.  I would always be the one to rearrange MY plans to accommodate you.  It was never the other way around.  I can’t remember a single time when you reached out to me.  Yeah, we would talk about stuff, and I know you listened, but when did you ever take a moment to initiate those moments with me?

You said so many times that you loved me and how I was your best friend.  And I reciprocated those feelings.  When I said those words, I meant them.  But were the words you spoke empty?  I can’t help wondering if you really meant the words you said or if it was just your way of keeping me in your back pocket for a little bit longer.  Because you knew that I would always stay.  I would always come back around. 

Someone recently told me that if you really valued me and wanted to be friends with me, you would.  And I believe that.  I’ve seen you do it with so many other girls when you try to win them over.  You want them, so you make it happen.  You would do whatever it took to get them to give you the attention you craved.  But for some reason, I always felt as if my friendship was never worth it to you.  I felt like it was always up to me to make things work.

Then the past year happened.  And it really put a LOT of stress on me.  Probably more stress and pain than you will ever know.  I wanted so badly to just go back to normal.  But you treated me like crap.  And you KNOW you did.  You would continue to hurt me and I would just keep crawling back to you.  Because I wanted you in my life.  I care for you deeply.  The way you treated me made it seem like we were never friends.  The things you would say to and about me were so hurtful.  Did you really think that I wouldn’t hear about them?  And to hear that they were coming from a person who claimed he loved me?  I just don’t understand.

I don’t understand where it came from, either.  I don’t feel that I ever really did anything to you to make you treat me the way you did.  It seemed like it was just pure hatred.  Like whoever could hurt the other one more had the upper hand in the relationship.  And that’s never how I expected us to end up.  Yes, I know we would fight and argue a lot, but I don’t feel that I ever was mean or rude to you without reason.  And if I was, I always apologized and owned up to my actions. 

I just feel like I was never really worth anything to you.  Like I was just the underlying girl to bide your time through college until the next best thing came along.  And the fact that you didn’t even say anything when I said our relationship was unhealthy and that I wanted out, just demonstrates how little you care.  And is it any surprise that I feel like as soon as you read this, you’ll be mad, call me whatever name you feel like calling me, and then somehow find a reason to pour everything back on me.  Because that’s what you do.

 Like I said before, if you really valued me as a person and wanted a friendship, you’d find a way to be my friend again.  You’d see how much you’ve hurt me.  You’d be a man.  You’d make the effort.  And you’d apologize.

How fine is the line...

…between love and hate?

It's been said that hate is just a different type of love.  I'm not sure if I agree with that completely, but I do believe that until you have loved, you cannot hate.

January 5, 2012.  I hate that day.  We had one of the most memorable conversations of our friendship thus far.  And I hated it.  Well, not all of it.  Just a tiny portion of it.  You always seem to say the things that I know in my heart to be true, but refuse to admit to myself.  And I love that about you.  But I hated it this day.   You forced me to a realization in my life that I thought I had dealt with.  I thought I had moved on from that particular track.  But of course, in the fashion that you normally do, you made one small statement that sent me into a crazy spiral of self-reflection.  That tiny statement proved to have one of the biggest impacts on my life this year.  I both hate and love you for that.... mostly love, I think?

Since that day, I feel like I have been on the craziest emotional roller-coaster ride ever.  I know I always say that, but this time, I feel it more than ever.  It’s like I’ve been living two lives… one that is perfectly fine on the outside, but a complete mess on the inside.  I know that there are more difficult and heartbreaking senarios that I could be going through, but I have gone through a lot of pain because of this.  The true healing process has begun.  And I wanted to share something that has given me peace and assurance that, as painful as this continues to be, God is faithful to us and through us.

God gives hope to all those who suffer by promising both His abiding presence and His overflowing peace. Psalm 34:18 says that the Lord "is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit." In John 14:27 Jesus states, "Peace I leave with you; my peace I give you . . . Do not let your hearts be troubled."

In II Corinthians 1:3-4 Paul writes, "Praise be to God . . . the Father of compassion and the God of all comfort, who comforts us in our troubles, so that we can comfort those in any trouble with the comfort we ourselves have received from God." Sometimes the very reason pain has been allowed into our lives is so that we can be more effective in our ministry to others.

God's purposes in allowing pain in our lives are multi-faceted. Not only does He teach us about His love and faithfulness amidst our times of sorrow, but after our grieving has ended, He gives us strength to offer words of wisdom to others who are experiencing similar situations. I Peter 5:9 says, " . . . Your brothers throughout the world are undergoing the same kind of sufferings." Thus, we serve as both a support base and a hope for those who are walking through difficult situations proving that with God's help even seemingly insurmountable obstacles can be overcome.

If you are struggling with emotional pain, take comfort in the fact that God has your situation in the palm of His hands. He will not let you go, and He will not let you down. A final word of hope can be found in I Peter 5:10, "And the God of all grace, who called you . . . , after you have suffered a little while, will himself restore you and make you strong, form, and steadfast."

I so look forward to loving that day! :)

What I Took Away From It All

2011 has been one heck of a year.  Thank God it’s over!  Not that it was bad, because it did have some great moments, but this past year has definitely been… uncomfortable?  I don’t know if that is exactly the word I’m looking for, but maybe.  It’s probably been the most personally stretching year of my life.  And it’s time to just reflect upon the year.  And share a few lessons I have learned.  And, in honor of my resolution to read more, I dedicate this blog to my favorite recently retired TV star, and love of my life thus far, Regis Philbin.  In his recent book “How I Got This Way,” each chapter is about someone who helped him get to the place he is at and he ends each chapter with small words of wisdom, saying “What I Took Away From It All.” So… Here are the things I took away from 2011.

So as I said before, this year has been one of the most uncomfortable and personally stretching years of my life.  Last January, I had just broken up with my first boyfriend.  Yes, I was 22 years old, yes, he was my first boyfriend, yes, we only dated a month, and yes, I broke up with him… I get that it shouldn’t have been THAT traumatic.  But for some reason, it was.  He was my best friend of 4 years and it was a rough thing for me to do.  I think that event kind of shaped the way my year would turn out.  In a sense, it kind of broke me.  And it sucked for a long time.  My whole life had been wrapped with his.  We did everything together.  And for our friendship to be ripped apart the way it had been was absolutely terrible.   It was like the biggest consistency in my life (which happened to be a terribly inconsistent friendship) wasn’t there in the time that I needed it to be there the most.  But having it ripped from underneath me was, looking back, probably one of the best things I could have ever experienced.   I know who I am and have my own vision for what I want out of life (and relationships.  And YES.  I DO have standards almost as high as Jesus!).  I’ve grown up.  I’m independent.  I have been able to form close friendships with people who I may not have expected before.  I’ve learned to forgive.  And forgive.  And forgive.  And I truly believe that I have experienced being able to love unconditionally… through all the anger and tears, through each mistake, and from a distance.  It’s been a long process dealing with this, but what I took away from it all… Once, you decide to love a person, you always will.  Your love will just evolve and change.  And that takes time... Sometimes more than what you think.

I also went through quite a bit as I was preparing to graduate.  The final semester was a ridiculous one!  I felt like I had three very large and very different goals that needed to be accomplished.  Grad school auditions, student teaching, and being the band president/making sure BWS would happen.  We aren’t going to talk much about band, just know that it added stress to my life but everything turned out fine.  For the most part.  Now we have two very conflicting goals.  Be a performance major and go to grad school, or be a teacher and get a job.  At the beginning of the year, my most important goal for myself was to get into grad school.  ROOSEVELT.  DALE.  ALICE.  I wanted it more than anything.  And I was determined that was exactly what I wanted.  And I went into the semester with that being my focus.  However, as you probably have seen, things are a bit different now.  I had always wanted to be a music teacher.  I remember as a sixth grader, my parents forcing me to tell Mr. Ernst at parent teacher conferences that I wanted to be a music teacher.  So embarrassing.  But it’s what I loved.  I was meant to be a teacher.  Even as I moved all my stuff from here from Michigan, I would find projects from high school that I would write lesson plans and unit plans and my music independent study projects that I worked so hard at.  I always wanted to be a teacher!  And then I got to Olivet and I asked about being a performance major.  A certain person who shall remain nameless told me that I would never make it and that I shouldn’t even try for it because it was such a competitive world and there was no way.  First of all, I need to get this off my chest… You’re such a good teacher.  How dare you be so encouraging to a student?  And by the way, your five year prediction was way off!  I did make it happen.  Whether you knew about it or not.  Anyway, after I was so quickly shot down about being a performer, I kinda rebelled against it.  There were a few other people who were very encouraging to me and I took their encouragement and made it my new goal to play horn.  (side note… still a goal… I love playing!)  So as I started student teaching, yes, I wanted to enjoy it and learn from it, but I just wanted to get into grad school.  I had JUST convinced my dad that I could make it as a performer and I had NO intentions of ever teaching in a classroom after graduation.  Obviously that worked out a bit differently.  I LOVED teaching!  Within the first week, my heart was changing.  And maybe breaking up with Patrick and being in such a broken state allowed me to see and feel that change.  But I took the auditions.  And it was a good experience for me to be able to do that.  I have no regrets.  But I learned through my audition process (practicing, practicing, practicing, listening to other people during the audition, and talking to people who have done it before) that I didn’t want to play my horn like that.  I didn’t want to be locked in a practice room for six hours a day practicing 12 bars until you can’t play it wrong.  Maybe every once in a while that sounds fun (BTW, which music festival should I go to this summer??? Fearless Audition Training? haha), but what I loved about being in band/orchestra/choir was the friendships and relationships that you make with people.  And I was making those kind of friendships at school teaching.  I was back to where I knew deep down that I would always end up.  So I’m a teacher now.  And loving it.  Occasionally, I’ll wonder what life would have been like right now if I had chosen the other.  Living in Chicago, playing my horn all the time, taking auditions… but then I remember how much I love going into school each day.  If you think I settled, you could not be further from the truth.  I have no regrets.  What I took away from it all… Sometimes, you just need to do things for yourself to prove that you can, and then you can move on.

I don’t think there was anything else too spectacular that happened during my student teaching.  But literally the day that I got done student teaching I got an interview out in Donovan.  CRAZY!!  If you’ve read my other blogs, you know that I did NOT want to teach out here.  But, once again, God knew what he was doing by bringing me here.  I work with a fantastic group of people and I love those kids so much!  In fact, I looked through my grandparent’s day pics over break (I was showing my family) and I realized how much I missed being at school with the kids.  It had been less than 2 weeks and I missed them!  But I gained so much more than just a great job by moving out here.  I gained some really great friendships as well.  Moving out here, I was most worried about working with Ryan.  I didn’t know what to expect.  But he has become a great friend!  And though his friendship, I gained 5 other great friends (well… I was friends with all of you before, but now I can actually claim you as my friends, haha).   These six (relatively new) friends of mine have caused me to grow in so many new ways!  Not only do they bring laughter and joy into my life, but they have given me so much insight into my own life.  Through genuine conversations, musical endeavors, and even mini-musical-work-vacations (MIDWEST!), I’ve come to know six fantastic people in a way that I never expected I would.   What I took away from it all… Never put expectations on the way God can work in your life, because God has a sense of humor, and He will do the exact opposite!  He uses the most unexpected people, situations, and times to bring you to where you need to be.

Also this year, I was able to work at Indian Lake again.  It was probably one of the best years for me!  First, let me say that I love ALL of the people that I work with, but sometimes certain friendships are just closer than others.  I have been able to work with two of my very favorite people, Beka and Mindy, for a couple years now, but this year seemed very different to me.  It seems as though this was the year in which our friendships became very real.  I was able to open up to each of these people more than I had before.  And it was great.  I knew that I had people who were praying for me (and I for them) and they even became a source of accountability for me.  I remember during campmeeting, God speaking to me and telling me that I had to forgive certain people.  And that I couldn’t forgive them simply “in my heart” but that I had to do it outwardly.  I was so incredibly conflicted by this.  I didn’t want to do this at all.  I didn’t even want to LOOK at one of the people, let alone tell her that I had forgiven her for the way she (possibly didn’t even know) she had hurt me.  How was I supposed to do that?  I ended up tearfully confessing to both Mindy and Beka that God had told me to do this.  And they would ask me “did you do it yet?” until finally I did.  And I knew that they were praying for me in those moments of complete vulnerability.  And I know they continue to pray for me today.  What I took away from it all… Never underestimate the friendships you will make at a summer job.  Especially when you’re working at Indian Lake J

All in all, 2011 was decent.  It started out terribly.  But as I moved away from the things that were holding me back, and started listening to what God wanted me to do, things got so much better.  And God has blessed me so much!  What I Took Away from It All… When God says something, you do it.  And right away.  If you don’t, you’ll end up hurt.  “But when you DO, hold on for dear life.  Or for dearer life.”  ;)

Of course there are other great things that happened in 2011 and great learning experiences I had, but I’m tired of writing.  This blog is far too long.  So I’m quitting the reflecting now.

Happy 2012!!  And because apparently the world is going to end in 2012, this year will be dedicated to fulfilling my bucket list (thanks, Min, for the suggestion!).  The next blog WILL include my bucket list.  Prepare yourselves… :D

-B

PS.  The quotations at the end are for Regis.  It was the last line of his book, referring to finding “the One,” his wife, Joy.  What a precious old man, you are Reege!!  Happy retirement!  Although, I really do miss you on Live!  Also, if you still have any pull in the show, I highly recommend Zac Efron for your replacement.  He’s so hot!