Hmm....

If there is one thing that I wish that I could change about myself, I wish that I had the ability to detatch my emotions from music. 

I know that sounds really weird, because one of the best things about music is that it allows us to express our emotions.  But this weekend, as I've been going through my iTunes, I started listening to some of the music I haven't heard in a while.  Great stuff, really.  Some of my favorite songs and pieces :)  But I can't get through them without being instantly transported back to where I was in life when that particular song/piece had the most impact of my life.  The emotions and memories are SO vivid and clear.  It's unreal.  And I can't seem to get through a piece without being emotionally torn by it!  On the one hand, I want to love the piece simply for what it is, but on the other hand, I want to hate it because of where it takes me.  So strange.

Anyway... is there a cure for this?  Or will I just get to suffer forever?  And how do you make yourself STOP attaching so much to music?  I really don't want to be 50 years old at my kid's band concert and not be able to stand the music they play because of something that happened while I was in college....

Today was a GREAT day!

Today was a great day!  And after a somewhat rollercoaster week, I’m glad life is back on the upside.  And as I’m sitting here on my couch on a Friday night (completely content with life, I might add), I feel like I need to blog lol.

So like I said before, this week has been kinda crazy.  Well, the past 2 and a half weeks…  I got evaluated for the first time.  Nothing like being the only first year teacher and being evaluated first, and less than a month into school.  YIKES!  But it went well.  When my principal and I talked about it, he said that I was doing a great job, especially as a first year, and that he really enjoyed my lesson.  He even said that he learned a few things J  So I don’t think I’m in danger of being fired.   Not that I was worried.

Then last week was so hectic and crazy.  I’m playing in Kankakee for Oliver and it was tech week, which mean I was driving back and forth to Kankakee each night.  Ryan (if you by chance read this), I seriously do not know how you can make the drive back and forth every day!  And sometimes twice a day.  I did it for a week and couldn’t handle it.  Suuuuuch a boring drive.  So kudos to you!

Anyway, I FINALLY got my music for Grandparent’s day, so I’ve started working with the kids on that.  And it is going pretty well so far!  I think most of the kids are enjoying the music, and they are actually sounding pretty decent at it.  We still need to work on our SINGING and not yelling voices, but I’m proud of what they have done so far.  It should be a good concert.

And it’s been really nice having the teachers on my side, too.  I talked a few minutes with one of the teachers and he was SO glad and impressed that I was letting the younger kids sing two songs instead of just the one.  And I’ve been talking with the other teachers about the concert and getting them involved in various ways, too.  They all have been very supportive and seem really excited to see the final product.  And I am, too.

And to bring it full circle, today was a GREAT day.  I felt like a real teacher today.  My kindergarteners were FANTASTIC, I feel like my choir has made some really great progress, and my sixth graders were pretty decent today as well.  And then after school, we had our pay-day dance party and then went out to Iroquois to talk and be friends outside of the school.  It was nice.  And I’m glad that I work in such a great school district with such great kids and great teachers!

The Lion in My Life

I know that I just blogged two days ago, but I feel like I need to blog again today.

So this morning, I did NOT want to go to church.  I was really nervous about going to a new place, especially alone.  I didn’t set an alarm this morning, because I was really indecisive about going.  But I woke up at 6:45 (surprise), and I told myself that I had to go.  If I didn’t go this week, then I never would.  So I got out of bed, and got into the shower.  Even in the shower, I debated with myself.  Maybe I would just drive up to Kankakee and go to First Church, at least it would be familiar.  Or I could drive up and go with Danyne.  Or I could just go to Bourbonnais and go shopping… I just kept debating about what I was going to do.  Once again, I told myself that I had to go to the church in Donovan and  that if I didn’t go today, then I never would.  So 8:25 rolled around and I walked down to church.  And I’m so glad that I did.

When I first got to church, it was a little bit uncomfortable.  I didn’t know anyone, and people were kinda looking at me like “who are you and what are you doing here?”  But I walked into the sanctuary and the pastor greeted me and I told her that I had just moved here from Michigan and was the elementary music teacher, etc.  The school secretary, bookkeeper and some of the students were in the church, so they were all excited to see me.   Then I sat in my pew and listened to the pianist play hymns.  I’m not sure why, maybe it’s because I was brought up with my grandpa as my pastor, but I sure do love the small church feel.  I love that they sang hymns and everyone knew each other, and introduced themselves to me, welcoming me into their church family.  The pastor even introduced me to the church so that everyone would be able to know my name and that I was new in town.  And after church, there were a bunch of ladies that came up to me and said hi and talked to me about the music in the church, moving into the apartment, the new Sunday school class that starts next week, etc.  It was just nice.  It felt like home.

But aside from that, I really believe that God wanted me in that church today.  (Here’s where the blog gets a bit deep… so stop reading if you aren’t into it…)  Ever since I started interviewing for this Donovan job, I’ve had a lot of reservations.  It was too close to Olivet, I didn’t want to work with Ryan and become his minion again, I didn’t want to take over Ryan’s job (because he does a GREAT job out here).  Basically what it comes down to is that it was too close and I knew too many people.  I wanted to teach in a place where no one knew me or had preconceived notions/expectations about me.  I remember when I got called in for a second interview crying that I didn’t want this job (and if you were lucky enough to be one of the people I cried to, I’m sorry lol).  But I took the interview, and it was strange because at the school, I always felt so great about being able to work there, but when I was away from the school my mind would wander back into that insecurity I had.  I remember praying on the way home these exact words: “Alright God, if they offer me this job, I’ll take it to make everyone happy, but you had better get me another job before school starts because I DO NOT want to work here!”  But things couldn’t have worked out more opposite.

Obviously I accepted the position and I began searching for a house.  It seemed like a feat that I could never achieve.  But God provided me a house IN Donovan.  And a pretty awesome house, too!  Next I began looking for furniture.  Again, it seemed like I would be sitting, sleeping, working, and eating on the floor.  Everything was so expensive.  But lo and behold, a man in Perry was having a moving sale, and had nice furniture for pretty reasonable prices.  Everything just seemed to be working out.  And I began getting really excited about this new job.  But there was still that little voice inside me that just kept bringing up all of my insecurities.  I’ve been fortunate enough to work at a Christian campgrounds, and one of my favorite (and also most stressful) times at Indian Lake is campmeeting.  I love that we get to go to church every night together as a staff and listen to great speakers.  And I love that I have people that I work with who I can talk to and will support me as I am growing.  Anyway, God spoke to me about a lot of things this year during campmeeting, and one of those things was about my job.  I remember the speaker preaching about fear.  And I talked to my friends about it, and they were all very supportive and reassuring to me that I wouldn't be a terrible teacher, and that God had a great plan for me in Donovan.  So I finally accepted that God wanted me in Donovan, and I would be where He wanted me to be, and do whatever He wanted me to do.  And then I started getting really excited about the new part of my journey.

But lately this past week, the insecurity has risen back up in me.  And I keep having terrible thoughts about teaching here.  What if next year, when Ryan is gone, I run the program into the ground?  I’m not as good as he is, what if they hate me and I get fired?  God, I don’t want to move, but You have GOT to get me out of here by next year!  Maybe I can talk Ryan into staying and I won’t have to teach in the high school.  Quite negative stuff, really.  Today in church though, the sermon was about selling yourself short.  The scripture was Exodus 3:1-15, about Moses.  For some reason, in the past few years I have felt like Moses and I are a lot alike, so this was just another time when I felt God speaking directly to me.  Moses claimed he had no ability.  He had a stutter and was insecure about his speaking, but God used him to free the Israelites.  And this morning, God spoke to me about that.  I’ve always heard people say “God doesn’t call the qualified, he qualifies the called” and I believe that, but sometimes it’s just hard to realize.  Our situations in life do not solely depend on our talent and abilities, but our trust in the Lord.  Don’t get me wrong, I believe wholeheartedly that you need to cultivate your talents that God has given you (Holy shoddy is still shoddy.  Amen.), but if we expect to be used completely, we need to trust him.  We are called into danger, but we aren’t called to do it alone.  God WILL go with us.  And He provides people to help us and support us in our journey if we just TRUST HIM.

The Sunday before I left home, I attended my dad’s Sunday School class.  They are reading a book right now called “In a Pit with a Lion on a Snowy Day” by Mark Batterson.  I haven’t read too much into the book yet, but from the class’ discussion, it is a great book.  It talks about Benaiah, who one day came across a lion, and instead of running from it, he instead chased it down and killed it.  God wants us to be lion chasers.  Instead of running from the things that scare us, run after them.  Tackle them.  Make them yours.  And that’s kind of where I’m at right now with this new job.  It scares the heck out of me.  But God has called me here, and I’m going to tackle it.  Move towards it at full speed and conquer it.

 “God is in the business of strategically positioning us in the right place at the right time.”

“God is always using past experiences to prepare us for future opportunities.”

I don’t know why God brought me here to Donovan.  It is certainly not what I would have chosen for myself.  But God always has bigger plans for us than what we can see.  I’m glad He brought me here.  And I’m looking forward to conquering the challenges He has for me, and excited to see how being in Donovan plays a role in my life.

The First Week

Well, I made it through my first week of being a real teacher.  And it was fun.  For the most part.  Tiring, but fun.  I haven’t blogged in a while, so I’m just going to do a little update on what has been going on in my life since August.  It may be a long blog lol.

So the first week in August, I ended my job at the lake (which made me so sad.  I love working there, and I miss everyone a TON, but I’ll still have summers off to come back J) and I taught a band camp in Michigan.  It was such a great week up there!  I always love being able to work with Mr. Ernst because he was such a great teacher for me, and I get to observe how he maintains such a great band program.  This year was especially good for me, because Mrs. Dutcher, my fantastic elementary music teacher, was working there, too, so I spent a lot of time just picking her brain and prepping for my own classroom.  I got a lot of great advice, and it was nice to get some questions answered.  After I left band camp, April and I went to Beckah’s wedding, which was really nice.

Two days after that, Colleen, Danyne and I packed our cars and came to Illinois to move me in.  Colleen and I spent the week unpacking some of my stuff and more importantly, cleaning and decorating my classroom.  It was pretty messy to begin with.  We took everything off the shelves and wiped EVERYTHING down.  We moved the desks and cleaned out the drawers.  I cleaned out a cabinet and found a box full of rhythm instruments, which was SUPER nice, because I didn’t know that I had any instruments at all.  Then we began the fun part: decorating!  My classroom still looks a little plain, but I figure as I keep teaching, I’ll get more things to decorate with.  My parents got to my apartment with all my furniture late Thursday night, so we unpacked the truck on Friday and set up the beds, couches, etc.  They helped me unpack for the next few days.  It was really nice to have them here to help, and when they left on Sunday night, it was pretty weird.

Monday was my 23^rd birthday.  And my first year teacher mentoring day.  It was kinda like as soon as I turned 23, real life started.  Mentoring day was not as long and boring as I expected it to be.  And the teachers there knew it was my birthday and even brought a cake to help celebrate.  It was really nice.  Then Shauntia came over to my house, we went to dinner in Watseka, then I dyed her hair.  I learned that if the teaching thing doesn’t work, I can open a hair salon in my kitchen.  Tuesday, I don’t think I did anything too important.  Wednesday was the teacher institute day.  I met a lot of the teachers, and there was a lot of info that was given out.  Kinda overwhelming, but I learned a lot.

Thursday was the first day of school.  Music is in the afternoon, so I didn’t teach anything (it was a half day), but I did help in the kindergarten room in the morning and then worked on my room/lesson plans in the afternoon.

Friday was MY first day of teaching.  It went alright.  I think that everything went ok with the exception of kindergarten.  I had all my plans and everything, but they lose attention REAL quick.  And 35 minutes is a LONG time for kindergarteners.  Especially on their first FULL day of school, by the afternoon, they are pretty much done.  But I sucked it up and ended the day really well.

And this week was pretty good.  Monday and Tuesday were a little bit rough.  Not that they were bad, by any means, there were just times that could have gone better.  But by today, I felt like things were starting to finally calm down.  They tell you in all your ed classes that the first stage of being a teacher is survival mode.  And I knew that, but I never really felt like I understood exactly what they meant until this week haha.  I feel like even student teaching can’t prepare you enough for your own classroom.  Don’t get me wrong, I learned a TON while I was student teaching, but in your ST experience, you still have your teacher to help you when you are drowning.  In your own classroom, you have to fight your way back to the surface.  Kind of a weird analogy, but it works.

Anyway, I really love working out here so far.  The other teachers are so nice and helpful, and because it’s a small school, I’ve gotten to know a lot of the kids.  I love that I get hugs every morning and throughout the day as they come into music every day.  And I love that I feel like I’m actually teaching them new concepts and they are enjoying it.  And I’m not doing anything particularly difficult, either.  Just getting the instruments out gets them super excited. 

Anyway, it’s been a really great week so far, and I’m really excited for the year.   And tomorrow is my first weekend at home being a teacher.  So I’m throwing a party? Haha.  I made a bunch of food tonight, so anyone who is coming should be excited, because I’m a good cook.   I’ll try to keep everyone updated on here, but no promises as to how often that will be.

Weekend

So this weekend was a pretty darn good one.  In an unexpected way.  I went down to Olivet on Friday night for a variety of reasons... apartment shopping, signing the Donovan contract, and my favorite reason, to hear the CSO play Mahler with the boys.   O yea, and to see my sisters ;)  Anyway, I had called a couple of places earlier in the week about apartments/housing situations and finally found one that wouldn't charge me through August and was cheap and nice, too.  (Sidenote, I know that I can find an apartment in Bourbonnais, but I had really wanted to live out closer to Donovan so that I could [one] not pay a fortune of time and money driving back and forth to work everyday and [two] somewhat cut the Olivet umbellical cord.  My parents reeeeeally wanted me to live IN Donovan, but I assured them that there was NOTHING in Donovan, and the closest place was 20 minutes away.)  So I had planned to go on Saturday morning to look at this place.  The guy I talked with made it sound like it was going to be a done deal kind of thing, I just needed to call Saturday morning before I came out and then the rest would be history.

Saturday morning, I get up and dressed and call the guy at 9AM.  His wife answers the phone... "I'm really sorry, hon, but we filled it yesterday.  I'm so sorry.  Really.  Sorry."  Yep... Sure.  So I was kinda really bummed about that, but decided that I should try to look at some other apartments while I was down there.  I look on the webpage and the first listing I see (it HAD to have been listed overnight, because I checked it Friday and it was NOT there) was in Donovan.  Before I even had time to think, I was calling the number.  He said that I should just come out and see it that morning.  So, less than an hour later, I was in Donovan in this apartment.  It was really great!  2 bedrooms, 1 bathroom, office, large living room, kitchen, dining area, a yard, laundry room... everything was completely renovated before the last tenant, who lived there less than a year.  Brand new appliances, new carpet, new wood laminate flooring in the kitchen, new washer and dryer, new paint, everything.  It was MORE than what I expected of it!  Anyway, I end up filling out the application and leaving Donovan praying that everything would work out.  It still was kind of a gamble simply because I don't want to pay for June and July rent when I won't be there...

Sunday was a fantastic day.  No matter what it may have seemed, I was honestly very excited to spend the day with my boys. And apparently Patrick was excited to spend the day with Ian and I because he picked me up an hour and a half earlier than expected.  So we decided to waste some time eating Rolo flurries at 10 AM, and then hanging out in the parking lot of the train station.  We rode the train to Chicago and then had lunch together at Bennigans (duh).  After lunch we went to Symphony Center and climbed allllll the way to the gallery and got our second row seats to watch their last performance of the season until Ravinia.  We were a bit excited.  And it was Mahler.  So we were really excited.  And Haitink was conducting.  So we were really, really excited.  We watched them all warm up on stage (of course I was fixed on Dale...) and I kind of had a strange realization.  I realized that I would never perform like that.  I used to go to the CSO and think "someday, that will be me... (maybe not the CSO, but something along those lines)"  and get really excited to play my horn.  This time it was different.  I have somewhat given up on that part of my life.  And I realized it.  And I got really sad.  I mean REALLY sad.  Like... crying.  A lot.  Before the concert even started.  It was the worst feeling in the world.  Then the CSO began to play.  Beginning with a beautiful horn solo, and even better solos as the piece played on.  The fourth movement was by far my favorite.  Absolutely beautiful.  I cried during that, too, but only because it was so moving to me.  After the concert got done, we went to go get on the train home and we realized we had another hour and a half to kill.  So we went to the Chicago Art Festival.  Looked at some stuff.  Expensive stuff.  Then we walked along the river for a while and just got to talk and be friends.  It was nice.  I've missed those times with them :)

This morning, I didn't really have any plans other than to go sign some papers for Donovan.  I don't really know why I was expecting it to be a quick trip, because there was a LOT of stuff to go through and sign.  I literally sat and signed papers for an hour.  Yikes.  It was good though.  I learned a lot about the stuff I have to do, and even learned that I was getting paid almost $1000 more than I had been budgeting for.  Good news!  THEN I had to go get fingerprinted.  In the county jail.  I had never been in a jail before, and I NEVER want to be in one again.  It was just soooo.... I don't know.  Something I am glad I have not had the pleasure of experiencing before.  Anyway, did the fingerprinting and returned the paperwork back to Donovan and began the long drive home.  I realized that I love country roads in Illinois.  No cars, no hills, no turns, no speed limit ;) haha.  As soon as I got on 65, I get a call from the guy who owns the apartment.  We talked for a little bit and he was really nice.  Went to Michigan State, and was glad I was a teacher and all that stuff... he offered me the apartment.  And he even brought up the moving in August thing... "Here's what I can do... I won't charge you rent until August with the condition that the deposit is paid at the contract signing, and if you back out, its non refundable"  Um... yes please!  I don't have to pay the next two months, and I only lose if I back out?  I'm NOT backing out. So I can do that!  I told him I would take it and he said he would email me the contract.   I now am fully employed and have the apartment!  Full nights sleep... here I come!!!

Anyway, God really showed his provision for me this weekend.  First in getting me this job, and then in finding sucha great apartment.  I was really unsure about some of my life's decisions I had been making, but now I can see that this is where God wants me to be.  It has to be.  He would not have allowed things to work out this smoothly if it weren't where I were supposed to be.  I don't know WHY He wants me here, but I have a peace about taking this job.  Am I nervous?  Of course!  But I know that its where I am supposed to be, and if I have learned anything in the past 6 months, its to trust that God's plans are bigger than what we can see ourselves.

sex ruins everything.

yes.  it does.  when you have sex outside of marriage, it. ruins. EVERYTHING! and not just intercourse, but fooling around, too!  i don't care who you are or how much you think it won't affect you.  it does.  and it affects other people, too.  Seriously, I don't know how people can live like this and think it doesn't affect them.  if i think about what it would be like to have a loving spouse (or even a fiance, because you really should know these things BEFORE you tie the knot), fully committed to me, and to have to tell them that i slept with someone, or fooled around with someone, or whatever... that would KILL me to have to tell them.  and from the opposite side, if i had to hear that my fiance had done this kind of stuff with someone else, it would seriously ruin everything.  i think every time we even kissed from that point on, in the back of my mind, all i would be able to think about is how someone else had part of what was meant for me.  what was supposed to be mine and mine alone.  i know that forgiveness is supposed to happen, and i believe that you can forgive a person for these things.  however, people don't forget stuff.  and it creates distance and space in a relationship that is supposed to be an unbreakable, united, HOLY union.  I just wish people could see the full spectrum of consequences to their actions before they decided to "live in the moment."  Yea, you might be living in the moment now, but that one moment is going to follow you for the rest of your life.  Wouldn't you rather live in the moment with a person that you know will love you forever and that will always be there for you, and that only experiences sex with YOU?  Because then you don't have to think about the others.  You could focus on the one person that God gave to you.  As a GIFT.

I know I would...

My second thought for this blog is a little bit more personal (sorry).  Lately, I've been hearing a LOT of stories about people's actions with sex (outside of marriage), alcohol and other things that I have always considered to be not welcome in my life.  It seems that EVERYONE has made poor choices concerning these issues, and I have recently realized how sheltered I truly am from these kinds of things.  I literally have NO past with any of that stuff.  And satan really started making me question my decision to abstain from all this.  I mean... I'm 21 now, so what if I were to drink a little?  I could totally handle it.  Even the best of people drink sometimes, right?  And what about the whole dating thing?  It doesn't really matter if I date around while waiting for God's best, right?  What if my standards in finding a guy really are too high?  Is there a guy out there that has remained pure?  Is there someone that doesn't drink?...... And a lot of other similar type thoughts were rolling around in my head.  And this weekend, I just have had enough.  I KNOW that I dont need to experience these things to fit in with the people who have experienced them.  God can use me WITHOUT a checkered past.  I don't need to be stained by the world.  And as far as finding a husband when my standards are "ridiculously high and irrational?"  God placed these standards in my heart as a young girl, and I KNOW that there IS someone that holds to the same faith and values and standards and beliefs that I do.  If there isn't, then I don't need to be dating/marrying anyone anyways, because anyone less would just be bringing me down.


Anyway.... DON'T HAVE SEX OUTSIDE OF MARRIAGE!!!!  Think about the consequences.

Today was a GREAT day!

If I were in a Dr. Bell class, my “good things” for today would be the following:

1. Got to see my grandma Pat
2. Got a job offer
3. Accepted the job offer
4. Completed my teacher certification in Illinois
5. Finally unpacked all my stuff…
6. Made the parents “so proud”
7. BEAUTIFUL drive to Indian Lake
8. Listened to Grandma Helen play the piano
9. Had a nice talk with Grandpa George

And tonight… hopefully will be the first of many GOOD night’s sleep!

I am so blessed :)

 

My Wish

So my whole life, I’ve been the type of person that wants everyone I love to be in one place.  I remember as a five year old in kindergarten being asked if I could have one wish granted, what would it be?  My response:  that my grandma and grandpa and uncles and aunts and cousins from Charlevoix AND Perry could all live in a giant dome together with me and I would never have to be without one or the other.  I wanted nothing more than for us to be together all the time.  And tonight, as a 22 year old college graduate, I find myself wishing for the same thing.  I want all of my family from Perry and Charlevoix and Indian Lake and Bourbonnais to all be in one place (and yes, you know who you are that I consider family J).

As I drove home on Sunday morning after graduation, I found myself crying as I got on the entrance ramp.  It just hit me that I wouldn’t be coming back.  It was the last time I would make that drive home (with everything I own) for the summer.  I mean, I know I will see my friends again, but it will be very different.  It sounds so cliché, but that is how it is.  And it really sucks to think about.  Anyway, I don’t even really know why I’m writing this, other than I’m sad and I want my family in one place.

I miss you!

To my dear friends...

Just a few words about some people who have affected my life while at Olivet.

·         Phil DeYoung – So one time when I was in 8^th grade, you played right before me at Celebrate Life and scared me half to death.  I wanted so badly to come to Olivet and play horn with you, and was so mad that it didn’t happen that way.  But now, more than ever, I appreciate the way things are.  You are sometimes the only person that knows how I have felt many times this past year, and I am so thankful that you have been there to talk to.  I will never forget the conversation we had during band camp about why we play the horn.  That single conversation has affected me more than you know, and I thank you for that.  I also appreciate that your honesty with people.  You are never harsh, but you never let people get away with things they shouldn’t.  It’s a quality that I very much respect in you.

·         Shauntia Mettlin – TIA!!!  You were the first person I met at Olivet, and will probably be the last person I talk to before I leave after graduation.  Holy cow.  That’s weird.  You’ve been a great friend the past five years.  I’m going to miss our Hills parties and watching the Real World with you.   You’re the only person that understands my love for trashy music and trashy TV.   You’ve made my life a lot more interesting while I’ve been here.  We tend to get into trouble, but it’s been fun! 

·         Sarah O’Neal – I’m amazed at how God sees each situation and uses them to give us exactly what we need.  I’m so glad that we ended up rooming together sophomore year (and the years following), because I gained a best friend.  Thanks for the shopping trips, chocolate chip cookies, movie nights (that I slept through) and all the laughs we had.  And thanks for the many times you would just listen and be an encourager to me.  You are a great friend, and I have missed having you around very much this past year. 

·         Jacqueline Rose – You are a type of friend everyone needs!  No matter what, I know I can count on you to listen and not judge whatever messed up situation I am in.  And you ALWAYS keep your mouth shut!  Thank you lol.  Thanks for always being so encouraging and supportive of me.  I always appreciate your random notes of encouragement during the life’s most stressful times.  If you ever need to talk, don’t hesitate to call.  Or just call if you are bored.  Because I’ll probably want to talk, too haha.

·         Ryan Schultz – I just want to say thanks first for everything that you have done to better the music department at Olivet.  I am so glad that you held us to a higher standard and that you challenged us with music that actually made us practice!  Second, I want to say thanks for being such a great mentor in my life.  I’ve learned so much about music, leadership, teaching, and life in general from you.  I’m going to miss all those random talks in your office (“headaches,” as you like to call them).  And you make my life a bit more fun, so thanks for that, too J

·         Rebeckah Sterns – I sure am going to miss talking to you.  You always have such a level head about everything, especially when I am freaking out.  I love that I can talk to you for forever, about the same things, over and over and over, and you never complain.  You’re a great listener.  I think what I’m going to miss most about you is that you are so strong in your faith.  You’ve been such a great mentor to me in the past couple of years, and I will miss you very much.   I wish you and Randy a wonderful life together.   I’ll see you at the wedding!

·         Bethany and Andy Wright – What would I do without my life coach(es)?  You two have been one of the biggest blessings this semester!  I’m SOOO glad that we are friends. You both are always so encouraging to me in whatever new “challenge” life has thrown at me.  Your Christ-like character speaks volumes about the people you are and I appreciate your input to my life more than you know.  And I like your baby, too J

·         Patrick Wright – wow, buddy.  We’re something.  That’s for sure.  But I wouldn’t trade my experiences with you for anything.  You’ve made me laugh, and you’ve made me cry a few times, too.  But through everything, you’ve caused me to grow.  You’ve been a significant part of my life the past couple years, and I sincerely wish you happiness in whatever you choose to do and wherever you decide to go.  You’re my best friend, and I love you.  Very much.  Please, please, pleeeeease make good choices.   And you better call me from time to time, because if you don’t, wellll….. just call me ;)

And I'll put these memories on here so that just in case you are reading this and don't have a facebook, you can enjoy them :)

1.       Awful roommates.  And their fish, Keshit, or whatever his name was...

2.       Band Camp musical

3.       Bedtime stories

4.       Bidet

5.       Bipinbop

6.       Bowling.  On a Tuesday.  At 1:30 in the afternoon.

7.       Brass Stretches in the Pit

8.       Bridal Showers

9.       Chris Martin’s cough

10.   Conducting with Nostils…. If you know, you know…

11.   Conversations in the recruiting office

12.   Daily unappreciated phone calls…you know who you are.  And btw, you’re welcome!

13.   Dairy Queen Studio

14.   DALE CLEVENGER!!!

15.   Decorating after BWS

16.   Drum Major Sectionals ;)

17.   Family movie night/nap time

18.   Five for all Forever!

19.   GOBSTOPPERS!

20.   Hiding from brass consort

21.   I <3 Tommy H ;)

22.   I put my ones up here…

23.   Kendra’s ‘all-purpose’ scream

24.   Late night phone calls when Harmony projects are due

25.   Magic in the Rhine River

26.   Mean Girls Sorority.  HA!

27.   My brakes going out in Chicago

28.   Panera fund!

29.   P-B-An-GEL-a

30.   Picnic time J

31.   Pink Hair!

32.   Prof. Schultz’s office decorating

33.   Recital after parties

34.   Rest stop on I-80

35.   Rocks.  And More Rocks.

36.   Spaghetti, Grilled Sandwiches, Oreo Balls?

37.   SPLENDOR!!!

38.   Spray and Wash vs. Centipede

39.   Tears shed on the steps outside Larsen

40.   The Chops Dance

41.   The Family

42.   The fruit fly trap

43.   The Larsen Curse

44.   The stage/pit massacre

45.   TRIFECTA!!!!

46.   Tweedle-Dee and Tweedle…Dee.

47.   Walking around the church Parking Lot in Osco, IL. over and over and over

48.   Wonderful roommates J

49.   World Musics fun

50.   You’re a mess!

The Last (and Most Important) Lesson

I am officially done student teaching.  Today was my last day with the kids and it definitely broke my heart to leave them.  I’m excited for my own classroom, but I really will miss those kids though.   BUT they gave me some gifts to remember them by.  The 4^th graders made me going away cards and I now have my first poster to put on the wall of my office next year, made and signed by the kids in band.

As I look back on this semester, there definitely has been a lot of growth in me.  I came into the semester not wanting to be a teacher AT ALL.  I wanted to be a performance major and that was that.  But the kids definitely changed my mind.  Leaving today was so hard, as I am so attached to each and every one of them.  Even though sometimes they drive me CRAZY, I wouldn’t change it.  And now I am turning down grad school to be a teacher.  Who would have thought?!  I’ve learned a lot about myself, a lot about kids, a lot about my friends, and a lot about the world.

I was reminded today of what teaching is all about.  As I was giving my last goodbyes to the 4^th graders, a student that normally is a bit rebellious, occasionally disruptive and not well liked by many of the other teachers  (he’s a student that usually seems to be written off by teachers and other students.  Although I must admit, he is one of my favorites) came up and gave me a HUGE hug.  And he wouldn’t let go.  He kinda started crying a little bit.  And he finally let go and looked up and said “Miss Harris, I will reeeaallllly miss you!!”  And he gave me another giant hug.  And it hit me right then that THAT is what teaching is all about.  Reaching the kids that no one else will.  I felt like I made a difference in his life.  Two years down the road, he may not remember me or anything that happened in 4^th grade music class, but RIGHT NOW, in 2011, I was the encourager and supporter that he needed, and I’m glad that I could make his life a little better.  Even if it was only a half-hour, twice a week.  Teaching is about being Jesus to the people and students who may never have a chance to see Him.  It’s about showing His love to the kids, because they may not have anyone else who loves them.  It’s what life is about!

 I’m so thankful that I had the opportunity to be with these kids this semester!  Hopefully they learned something from me, because they sure did teach me a lot!

Back to Square One

This weekend has been one of the most rollercoaster weekends.  Ever.   I didn’t really think anything of it, except that I knew my Roosevelt audition was the next day.   When I got home at 3:30, I checked my mail, and of course, the DePaul letter I had been sooooo eagerly awaiting was sitting in our mailbox.  I had told myself before that I didn’t want to open it until after my Roosevelt audition, but I really really wanted to.  So I sat on my couch with the unopened envelope in my hand for 15 minutes.  I finally decided to open it.  I didn’t read it for another two minutes, but when I finally did read it… bad news.  And poor timing, to say the least.  I mean, literally less than 24 hours before the audition that I really wanted.  Yep.  So I sat on my couch for about an hour and fifteen minutes.  Crying.  I’m not really sure why I was so upset.  I didn’t really want to go to DePaul.  I knew that when we drove into Chicago.  Just a feeling that I didn’t like.  And I had always only wanted to study with Dale.  So I was a little confused as to why I was so upset.  But I think it was because this was the first time that I had ever really been rejected from something.  And it sucked.  Anyway, I only told a few people.  I had only been intending to tell one person until after my Roosevelt audition, but good friends know when things are up… And I have good friends.  J

The next day was interesting.  I went to Chicago by myself.  It made me kind of nervous, but I did it.  And that alone, made me feel independent, like I was going to survive, no matter what happened that day.  I know its kind of silly to think like that, but it’s the little things that help you to move on.  Anyway, I was really discouraged going into the audition.  But I believe that God knew ahead of time that I would need someone with me that day.  Earlier in the week, I had asked Phil to come down for support.  I never thought that he would be such a blessing that day.  He’s really the only person that I think knows EXACTLY how I feel right now and it was nice to talk to him about it.  And he’s really good about making you feel better about your life.

My actual audition I think went really well.  I don’t think I’ll get in, but I think I played well.  It was actually like a lesson with him.  Which was nice.  Kind of a reminder about how I should be playing.  It was good.  And Dale remembered me and we had a normal conversation before and after the playing part of it.  Haha.  Then Phil and I had a GREAT day in Chicago.  If you want full details, read Phil’s note on facebook (you should.  It’s a good note!).  Otherwise, the short version: Some guy gave us free tickets into the art institute, so we went there and looked at the art (and talked about our lives….).  Then we went to Bennigans for dinner.  Then the CSO, which was soooo good!  And while we were there, one of the fellow horn grad student audition-ees was sitting right behind me, so I talked to him for a while.  So presh haha.   After the concert, I went back to the train station and finally got home about 1:30 in the morning.  Saturday was honestly one of the best days that I have had in a very long time.  Thanks, Phil!

Some of the things Phil and I talked about have really kind of been sitting with me for a while (since before we talked actually) and maybe it is time that I share with people what’s been going on in my heart for some time now.  I don’t actually know if I want to go to graduate school.  I mean, its something that I want, but I don’t know if right now is the right time to pursue a master’s degree.  And I don’t know if horn performance is something that I am truly in love with.  I hear so much crap from people when I tell them I only applied to two schools (and two GREAT schools, at that.  Thanks Phil and Ryan for making me realize that even though I failed to get in, I tried for something, and I don’t regret it.  I needed to do this for me.).  Honestly, though, I ONLY wanted to study with Mr. Clevenger.  DePaul was the “practice audition” as Margaret called it.  It’s been my goal since my freshman year when I first heard him and met him that I wanted to study with him and only him.  There hasn’t been any other grad school that I have even wanted to look at.  Maybe for like a short amount of time, but nothing like my desire to study horn at Roosevelt with Dale.   Anyway, as I have been thinking about it, I DID study with him.  This summer.  Maybe Marrowstone was the fulfillment of that dream of mine?  After all, he was my teacher, and I learned so much, but now that I’m seeing the bigger picture, I don’t know if performance is right for me.  I mean, music is fun.  I love playing my horn, and I love playing in ensembles.  I love everything about it.  But locking myself in a practice room for 4-6 hours a day until something is PERFECT?  Nope. It just doesn’t sound fun to me.  Then what happens when I finally get my degree?  Um…. Take auditions like nobody’s business until I can find a job in an orchestra that doesn’t really pay much? Yea.  Not so much. 

Sorry, I sound really bitter and angry about the situation.  That’s not really the case, I’ve just thought a lot about it lately and realized that I probably won’t ever make it in the performing world.  But let’s just say that I do make it…. Is that really the kind of life that I want to have a family in?  I mean….  Yea, at times it would be fun.  Lots of travelling, and fun people to meet, and my kids certainly would be cultured.  But that’s just the thing… lots of travelling, a random schedule, I’d probably have to live in a big city, and I’d never be able to just live a normal life.  I want to raise my kids in a small town (call me crazy, but I actually LIKED the small town feel of good-ol Perry).  I want to give them stability and being a musician, freelance or otherwise, just doesn’t provide for that too well….  Would it be fun?  Heck yes.  For someone that is in their twenties and single.   But I think that there are other things that I want to do with my life.

Who knows though.  If I get accepted into Roosevelt (Which I highly doubt), I don’t know if I want to go.  I mean, as I sat there and waited for my audition, I listened to a lot of pretentious music people talking about silly things like “stupid conductors” and all the cool music they were playing and how their lives had been changed by it and all the time spent practicing for one tiny part in a piece they were working on.  Part of me really wants to be one of them, and another part of me really just wants to be normal.  I don’t know what to do.  I’ve always kind of wanted to live in the city for a small part of my life… and this would be a good time to do it.  I mean, I’m young, single and have nothing holding me to anything.  I could do it.  And… if I get accepted and don’t take up the offer, how am I supposed to meet up with my new friend I met this weekend?  I kinda have to say yes, right? ;) 

Or….. if I don’t get accepted, do I just get a job for the year keep auditioning next year?  Or do I just assume  that I wasn’t supposed to go to graduate school for performance and just settle for something else? (Not that I believe teaching is settling AT ALL.  I LOVE my students and I LOVE going in to school each day.  THEY have taught ME so much this semester!)  I just don’t know what I want.  One of my friends told me recently that I used to know exactly what I wanted out of life, but since I started teaching, I’ve been wishy-washy.  So I don’t know what is going on.

Anyway.  Long story short, I got rejected by DePaul.  Cried about it.  Auditioned at Roosevelt.  Spent the day with Phil.  Talked about lots of things.  And now here are some of those thoughts in this blog.  Feel free to give comments about what you think.  I’d love to hear your input, because at this point, I could really use some advice. 

~Brittany

P.S. Please don’t say “just wait until you actually find out about Roosevelt and then make a decision” because I think that’s kind of like… duh. Haha.

Forgiveness. Is more than saying sorry.

Once again, I haven’t blogged for awhile.  So… here this is.  I’m not really sure what exactly this is going to be about, but we will see where it ends up J

These past few weeks have been crazy to say the least.  Student teaching is still going well.  I’m enjoying it a lot.  But the more I get involved, the more it makes me want my own classroom.  I’ve also been thinking a lot about my life as a performance major.  I auditioned at DePaul a few weeks ago.  It was alright.  I’m not sure if I played well enough to get in, but it was an audition experience.  Actually that whole week was an experience…. Haha.  We had just gotten done with BWS, and that had taken its toll on me a little bit, but I was ready for the next week, or so I thought.  Monday night I had commencement concert auditions (which turned out to be one of the longest nights of my life!!), Tuesday we had a band concert thing.  Wednesday I had my 8^th grade concert.  That went pretty well.  I was the FIRST one to conduct on the program, so I was super nervous, but it went well.  Then Thursday night I had horn lessons and Friday Patrick and Ian and I drove to Indian Lake to play at the Candle Lake Valentine’s dinner thing.  It was really nice to go to the lake and be with my family.  Especially after such a stressful time in my life.  I don’t know why, but whenever I go to the lake, I always feel at home.  It’s like all of my stress and problems just disappear.  I love that place so much.  And I got to see Beka and Lamica and it was really nice to just catch up to them. 

Anyway, Saturday morning came and Patrick and Ian and I got up super early (well… I got up super early because I couldn’t sleep, and they got up early) and we traveled to DePaul.  I made Patrick drive so I could sleep and focus on what needed to happen that day.  As we drove into Chicago, my first thought was “I can’t go to school here.”  I was so incredibly stressed out from the traffic and I wasn’t even driving.  We finally made it to DePaul and as we walked in, Ashlie walked by us on the way to her audition.  She was there with her mom.  It was SO nice to have someone there with you that knew what you were feeling.  And I was so thankful for her mom to be there.  Not that the boys didn’t do a good job of destressing me by singing a lovely rendition of Sweet Child of Mine on the drive into the city, but there is something about having a mom with you that just calms your nerves.  So that was nice.  After Ashlie and I both had our auditions, we stayed and talked for a while.  About 1:30-ish, we decided to head back home, and it was quite the interesting drive.  There was so much stuff filling my head and so many memories from the past two years that was just flooding my heart.  I don’t think the boys were aware, but I definitely cried on the way home.  Everything was just so bittersweet that weekend, and I knew that it was about to end.  Not just the weekend, but I felt like difficult times were ahead and that life was about to make a huge change.  I was right.

The weeks following that (I say this like it was 6 years ago…. It was only like the past 2 weeks, but it feels like FOREVER ago!)  probably have been some of the strangest weeks ever.  There was so much going on with me.  I got sick and Dena told me I had an ulcer from all the stress.   My dad came down for class and I got to see him for a little bit. Then we had band tour.  OMG.  So…. Hmmm…. Well… it was something ;)  I love going on tours because you get to see a side of people you don’t normally get to see.  And you become a lot closer with people.  It’s a good bonding experience to say the least.  And I got to see the mom and Colleen, so that was nice.  I also kept my new years resolution to face my fears and gave my testimony on tour.  First time ever.  But, God told me I needed to do it, so I told Ryan a few days before and then I spoke on tour. Not only was I terrified of speaking to people, but giving my testimony scares me like none other.  Not necessarily in a personal situation, but to speak in front of a group of my peers, my friends, and a ton of people I didn’t know…. YIKES!  But it turned out alright.  God never gives you something you can’t handle.

I don’t really remember much about the next week.  Or maybe there just wasn’t anything important going on.  O well.  I DO remember that Friday night I went up to Northwestern with some friends to see Mallory Thompson Conduct Maslanka Symphony No. 4 with their wind ensemble.  THAT was INCREDIBLE!!! It’s like my new favorite piece.  I cried during the performance.  It was SO good.  And I was with some pretty great people, so that made it even better.  Then I decided to go spend the weekend away from campus.  Saturday morning I got up and traveled to Bloomington to hang out with Sarah.  It was really nice to be with her and just talk like we used to.  It was good to catch up.  I really miss her.  Sunday when I came home, I had a headache a little bit and discovered that I had a pretty high fever.  So did Tia.  So these past couple days have been pretty miserable.  I’ve stayed home from school for 3 days because by fever didn’t get below 99.9, and finally today I’m kinda feeling better.

I always write a little bit about significant things in my life and this blog didn’t really have that.  So... here is what God has been teaching me these past few days.  Forgiveness.  I feel like this semester I have been a lot more… idk… tender hearted?  I know it might not seem like it to some people, but I really have been going through a lot of stuff this semester.  With everything.  Anyway, a few days ago (and this has kind of been building up for a while), I realized how important certain people are in my life.  And that sometimes, regardless of what everyone tells you, you need to examine what you truly want.  A wise friend of mine (Phil) asked me during band camp what was more important to me… an apology or a friendship.  And I kind of knew what that meant at the time and took it for what I thought I needed.  But I don’t think it ever has meant more to me than it has these past few days.  I realized that for all the pain I have been through, the good still outweighs the bad in the friendship.  As for as stubborn as I am and as much as I hate that I’m always the one to initiate the apologies, it’s worth it to have that friendship in your life.  When you really love someone, that love never goes away.   And I learned that when you do apologize, it feels really good to have that person back.  As much as everyone tells you that it’s time to cut your losses and move on and that you’ve filled the “apology quota,” I’ve learned that if someone is really important to you, there aren’t enough apologies in the world.  And even if I have to be the apology instigator every single time, I will be, because I love this person and I value them and what they bring to my life.

ANYWAY….  Thanks Phil for your insight to my life.  And you didn’t even say anything this time!   Alright.  I’m done writing because I can’t handle it anymore.  And I think I’m done being in this stupid house.  I hate being sick.  I’m going to orchestra!