I hate that I was always the one to apologize. You would treat me like crap, and I’d get mad. You’d get mad at me for being mad at you, so we wouldn’t talk for a little while. Somehow, it seems, that you would always convince me that I was the one who was being irriational. And I would eventually come to the conclusion that you were right and I just needed to apologize. After all, why would you purposely do something to hurt me? I don’t know either. But I would always leave the situation feeling about 2 inches tall, and you’d walk away like nothing had even happened. I don’t get it. Did you have to be such the “bigger man” that you couldn’t even own up to the crap you pulled? You couldn’t treat me like the friend I was and simply apologize?
And the fact that I was always the one that seemed to initiate our friendship just baffles me. I was always the one to call and ask if you wanted to hang out. I was always the one that would text you to see how you were. I would always be the one to rearrange MY plans to accommodate you. It was never the other way around. I can’t remember a single time when you reached out to me. Yeah, we would talk about stuff, and I know you listened, but when did you ever take a moment to initiate those moments with me?
You said so many times that you loved me and how I was your best friend. And I reciprocated those feelings. When I said those words, I meant them. But were the words you spoke empty? I can’t help wondering if you really meant the words you said or if it was just your way of keeping me in your back pocket for a little bit longer. Because you knew that I would always stay. I would always come back around.
Someone recently told me that if you really valued me and wanted to be friends with me, you would. And I believe that. I’ve seen you do it with so many other girls when you try to win them over. You want them, so you make it happen. You would do whatever it took to get them to give you the attention you craved. But for some reason, I always felt as if my friendship was never worth it to you. I felt like it was always up to me to make things work.
Then the past year happened. And it really put a LOT of stress on me. Probably more stress and pain than you will ever know. I wanted so badly to just go back to normal. But you treated me like crap. And you KNOW you did. You would continue to hurt me and I would just keep crawling back to you. Because I wanted you in my life. I care for you deeply. The way you treated me made it seem like we were never friends. The things you would say to and about me were so hurtful. Did you really think that I wouldn’t hear about them? And to hear that they were coming from a person who claimed he loved me? I just don’t understand.
I don’t understand where it came from, either. I don’t feel that I ever really did anything to you to make you treat me the way you did. It seemed like it was just pure hatred. Like whoever could hurt the other one more had the upper hand in the relationship. And that’s never how I expected us to end up. Yes, I know we would fight and argue a lot, but I don’t feel that I ever was mean or rude to you without reason. And if I was, I always apologized and owned up to my actions.
I just feel like I was never really worth anything to you. Like I was just the underlying girl to bide your time through college until the next best thing came along. And the fact that you didn’t even say anything when I said our relationship was unhealthy and that I wanted out, just demonstrates how little you care. And is it any surprise that I feel like as soon as you read this, you’ll be mad, call me whatever name you feel like calling me, and then somehow find a reason to pour everything back on me. Because that’s what you do.
Like I said before, if you really valued me as a person and wanted a friendship, you’d find a way to be my friend again. You’d see how much you’ve hurt me. You’d be a man. You’d make the effort. And you’d apologize.
