2011 has been one heck of a year. Thank God it’s over! Not that it was bad, because it did have some great moments, but this past year has definitely been… uncomfortable? I don’t know if that is exactly the word I’m looking for, but maybe. It’s probably been the most personally stretching year of my life. And it’s time to just reflect upon the year. And share a few lessons I have learned. And, in honor of my resolution to read more, I dedicate this blog to my favorite recently retired TV star, and love of my life thus far, Regis Philbin. In his recent book “How I Got This Way,” each chapter is about someone who helped him get to the place he is at and he ends each chapter with small words of wisdom, saying “What I Took Away From It All.” So… Here are the things I took away from 2011.
So as I said before, this year has been one of the most uncomfortable and personally stretching years of my life. Last January, I had just broken up with my first boyfriend. Yes, I was 22 years old, yes, he was my first boyfriend, yes, we only dated a month, and yes, I broke up with him… I get that it shouldn’t have been THAT traumatic. But for some reason, it was. He was my best friend of 4 years and it was a rough thing for me to do. I think that event kind of shaped the way my year would turn out. In a sense, it kind of broke me. And it sucked for a long time. My whole life had been wrapped with his. We did everything together. And for our friendship to be ripped apart the way it had been was absolutely terrible. It was like the biggest consistency in my life (which happened to be a terribly inconsistent friendship) wasn’t there in the time that I needed it to be there the most. But having it ripped from underneath me was, looking back, probably one of the best things I could have ever experienced. I know who I am and have my own vision for what I want out of life (and relationships. And YES. I DO have standards almost as high as Jesus!). I’ve grown up. I’m independent. I have been able to form close friendships with people who I may not have expected before. I’ve learned to forgive. And forgive. And forgive. And I truly believe that I have experienced being able to love unconditionally… through all the anger and tears, through each mistake, and from a distance. It’s been a long process dealing with this, but what I took away from it all… Once, you decide to love a person, you always will. Your love will just evolve and change. And that takes time... Sometimes more than what you think.
I also went through quite a bit as I was preparing to graduate. The final semester was a ridiculous one! I felt like I had three very large and very different goals that needed to be accomplished. Grad school auditions, student teaching, and being the band president/making sure BWS would happen. We aren’t going to talk much about band, just know that it added stress to my life but everything turned out fine. For the most part. Now we have two very conflicting goals. Be a performance major and go to grad school, or be a teacher and get a job. At the beginning of the year, my most important goal for myself was to get into grad school. ROOSEVELT. DALE. ALICE. I wanted it more than anything. And I was determined that was exactly what I wanted. And I went into the semester with that being my focus. However, as you probably have seen, things are a bit different now. I had always wanted to be a music teacher. I remember as a sixth grader, my parents forcing me to tell Mr. Ernst at parent teacher conferences that I wanted to be a music teacher. So embarrassing. But it’s what I loved. I was meant to be a teacher. Even as I moved all my stuff from here from Michigan, I would find projects from high school that I would write lesson plans and unit plans and my music independent study projects that I worked so hard at. I always wanted to be a teacher! And then I got to Olivet and I asked about being a performance major. A certain person who shall remain nameless told me that I would never make it and that I shouldn’t even try for it because it was such a competitive world and there was no way. First of all, I need to get this off my chest… You’re such a good teacher. How dare you be so encouraging to a student? And by the way, your five year prediction was way off! I did make it happen. Whether you knew about it or not. Anyway, after I was so quickly shot down about being a performer, I kinda rebelled against it. There were a few other people who were very encouraging to me and I took their encouragement and made it my new goal to play horn. (side note… still a goal… I love playing!) So as I started student teaching, yes, I wanted to enjoy it and learn from it, but I just wanted to get into grad school. I had JUST convinced my dad that I could make it as a performer and I had NO intentions of ever teaching in a classroom after graduation. Obviously that worked out a bit differently. I LOVED teaching! Within the first week, my heart was changing. And maybe breaking up with Patrick and being in such a broken state allowed me to see and feel that change. But I took the auditions. And it was a good experience for me to be able to do that. I have no regrets. But I learned through my audition process (practicing, practicing, practicing, listening to other people during the audition, and talking to people who have done it before) that I didn’t want to play my horn like that. I didn’t want to be locked in a practice room for six hours a day practicing 12 bars until you can’t play it wrong. Maybe every once in a while that sounds fun (BTW, which music festival should I go to this summer??? Fearless Audition Training? haha), but what I loved about being in band/orchestra/choir was the friendships and relationships that you make with people. And I was making those kind of friendships at school teaching. I was back to where I knew deep down that I would always end up. So I’m a teacher now. And loving it. Occasionally, I’ll wonder what life would have been like right now if I had chosen the other. Living in Chicago, playing my horn all the time, taking auditions… but then I remember how much I love going into school each day. If you think I settled, you could not be further from the truth. I have no regrets. What I took away from it all… Sometimes, you just need to do things for yourself to prove that you can, and then you can move on.
I don’t think there was anything else too spectacular that happened during my student teaching. But literally the day that I got done student teaching I got an interview out in Donovan. CRAZY!! If you’ve read my other blogs, you know that I did NOT want to teach out here. But, once again, God knew what he was doing by bringing me here. I work with a fantastic group of people and I love those kids so much! In fact, I looked through my grandparent’s day pics over break (I was showing my family) and I realized how much I missed being at school with the kids. It had been less than 2 weeks and I missed them! But I gained so much more than just a great job by moving out here. I gained some really great friendships as well. Moving out here, I was most worried about working with Ryan. I didn’t know what to expect. But he has become a great friend! And though his friendship, I gained 5 other great friends (well… I was friends with all of you before, but now I can actually claim you as my friends, haha). These six (relatively new) friends of mine have caused me to grow in so many new ways! Not only do they bring laughter and joy into my life, but they have given me so much insight into my own life. Through genuine conversations, musical endeavors, and even mini-musical-work-vacations (MIDWEST!), I’ve come to know six fantastic people in a way that I never expected I would. What I took away from it all… Never put expectations on the way God can work in your life, because God has a sense of humor, and He will do the exact opposite! He uses the most unexpected people, situations, and times to bring you to where you need to be.
Also this year, I was able to work at Indian Lake again. It was probably one of the best years for me! First, let me say that I love ALL of the people that I work with, but sometimes certain friendships are just closer than others. I have been able to work with two of my very favorite people, Beka and Mindy, for a couple years now, but this year seemed very different to me. It seems as though this was the year in which our friendships became very real. I was able to open up to each of these people more than I had before. And it was great. I knew that I had people who were praying for me (and I for them) and they even became a source of accountability for me. I remember during campmeeting, God speaking to me and telling me that I had to forgive certain people. And that I couldn’t forgive them simply “in my heart” but that I had to do it outwardly. I was so incredibly conflicted by this. I didn’t want to do this at all. I didn’t even want to LOOK at one of the people, let alone tell her that I had forgiven her for the way she (possibly didn’t even know) she had hurt me. How was I supposed to do that? I ended up tearfully confessing to both Mindy and Beka that God had told me to do this. And they would ask me “did you do it yet?” until finally I did. And I knew that they were praying for me in those moments of complete vulnerability. And I know they continue to pray for me today. What I took away from it all… Never underestimate the friendships you will make at a summer job. Especially when you’re working at Indian Lake J
All in all, 2011 was decent. It started out terribly. But as I moved away from the things that were holding me back, and started listening to what God wanted me to do, things got so much better. And God has blessed me so much! What I Took Away from It All… When God says something, you do it. And right away. If you don’t, you’ll end up hurt. “But when you DO, hold on for dear life. Or for dearer life.” ;)
Of course there are other great things that happened in 2011 and great learning experiences I had, but I’m tired of writing. This blog is far too long. So I’m quitting the reflecting now.
Happy 2012!! And because apparently the world is going to end in 2012, this year will be dedicated to fulfilling my bucket list (thanks, Min, for the suggestion!). The next blog WILL include my bucket list. Prepare yourselves… :D
-B
PS. The quotations at the end are for Regis. It was the last line of his book, referring to finding “the One,” his wife, Joy. What a precious old man, you are Reege!! Happy retirement! Although, I really do miss you on Live! Also, if you still have any pull in the show, I highly recommend Zac Efron for your replacement. He’s so hot!
