I know that I just blogged two days ago, but I feel like I need to blog again today.
So this morning, I did NOT want to go to church. I was really nervous about going to a new place, especially alone. I didn’t set an alarm this morning, because I was really indecisive about going. But I woke up at 6:45 (surprise), and I told myself that I had to go. If I didn’t go this week, then I never would. So I got out of bed, and got into the shower. Even in the shower, I debated with myself. Maybe I would just drive up to Kankakee and go to First Church, at least it would be familiar. Or I could drive up and go with Danyne. Or I could just go to Bourbonnais and go shopping… I just kept debating about what I was going to do. Once again, I told myself that I had to go to the church in Donovan and that if I didn’t go today, then I never would. So 8:25 rolled around and I walked down to church. And I’m so glad that I did.
When I first got to church, it was a little bit uncomfortable. I didn’t know anyone, and people were kinda looking at me like “who are you and what are you doing here?” But I walked into the sanctuary and the pastor greeted me and I told her that I had just moved here from Michigan and was the elementary music teacher, etc. The school secretary, bookkeeper and some of the students were in the church, so they were all excited to see me. Then I sat in my pew and listened to the pianist play hymns. I’m not sure why, maybe it’s because I was brought up with my grandpa as my pastor, but I sure do love the small church feel. I love that they sang hymns and everyone knew each other, and introduced themselves to me, welcoming me into their church family. The pastor even introduced me to the church so that everyone would be able to know my name and that I was new in town. And after church, there were a bunch of ladies that came up to me and said hi and talked to me about the music in the church, moving into the apartment, the new Sunday school class that starts next week, etc. It was just nice. It felt like home.
But aside from that, I really believe that God wanted me in that church today. (Here’s where the blog gets a bit deep… so stop reading if you aren’t into it…) Ever since I started interviewing for this Donovan job, I’ve had a lot of reservations. It was too close to Olivet, I didn’t want to work with Ryan and become his minion again, I didn’t want to take over Ryan’s job (because he does a GREAT job out here). Basically what it comes down to is that it was too close and I knew too many people. I wanted to teach in a place where no one knew me or had preconceived notions/expectations about me. I remember when I got called in for a second interview crying that I didn’t want this job (and if you were lucky enough to be one of the people I cried to, I’m sorry lol). But I took the interview, and it was strange because at the school, I always felt so great about being able to work there, but when I was away from the school my mind would wander back into that insecurity I had. I remember praying on the way home these exact words: “Alright God, if they offer me this job, I’ll take it to make everyone happy, but you had better get me another job before school starts because I DO NOT want to work here!” But things couldn’t have worked out more opposite.
Obviously I accepted the position and I began searching for a house. It seemed like a feat that I could never achieve. But God provided me a house IN Donovan. And a pretty awesome house, too! Next I began looking for furniture. Again, it seemed like I would be sitting, sleeping, working, and eating on the floor. Everything was so expensive. But lo and behold, a man in Perry was having a moving sale, and had nice furniture for pretty reasonable prices. Everything just seemed to be working out. And I began getting really excited about this new job. But there was still that little voice inside me that just kept bringing up all of my insecurities. I’ve been fortunate enough to work at a Christian campgrounds, and one of my favorite (and also most stressful) times at Indian Lake is campmeeting. I love that we get to go to church every night together as a staff and listen to great speakers. And I love that I have people that I work with who I can talk to and will support me as I am growing. Anyway, God spoke to me about a lot of things this year during campmeeting, and one of those things was about my job. I remember the speaker preaching about fear. And I talked to my friends about it, and they were all very supportive and reassuring to me that I wouldn't be a terrible teacher, and that God had a great plan for me in Donovan. So I finally accepted that God wanted me in Donovan, and I would be where He wanted me to be, and do whatever He wanted me to do. And then I started getting really excited about the new part of my journey.
But lately this past week, the insecurity has risen back up in me. And I keep having terrible thoughts about teaching here. What if next year, when Ryan is gone, I run the program into the ground? I’m not as good as he is, what if they hate me and I get fired? God, I don’t want to move, but You have GOT to get me out of here by next year! Maybe I can talk Ryan into staying and I won’t have to teach in the high school. Quite negative stuff, really. Today in church though, the sermon was about selling yourself short. The scripture was Exodus 3:1-15, about Moses. For some reason, in the past few years I have felt like Moses and I are a lot alike, so this was just another time when I felt God speaking directly to me. Moses claimed he had no ability. He had a stutter and was insecure about his speaking, but God used him to free the Israelites. And this morning, God spoke to me about that. I’ve always heard people say “God doesn’t call the qualified, he qualifies the called” and I believe that, but sometimes it’s just hard to realize. Our situations in life do not solely depend on our talent and abilities, but our trust in the Lord. Don’t get me wrong, I believe wholeheartedly that you need to cultivate your talents that God has given you (Holy shoddy is still shoddy. Amen.), but if we expect to be used completely, we need to trust him. We are called into danger, but we aren’t called to do it alone. God WILL go with us. And He provides people to help us and support us in our journey if we just TRUST HIM.
The Sunday before I left home, I attended my dad’s Sunday School class. They are reading a book right now called “In a Pit with a Lion on a Snowy Day” by Mark Batterson. I haven’t read too much into the book yet, but from the class’ discussion, it is a great book. It talks about Benaiah, who one day came across a lion, and instead of running from it, he instead chased it down and killed it. God wants us to be lion chasers. Instead of running from the things that scare us, run after them. Tackle them. Make them yours. And that’s kind of where I’m at right now with this new job. It scares the heck out of me. But God has called me here, and I’m going to tackle it. Move towards it at full speed and conquer it.
“God is in the business of strategically positioning us in the right place at the right time.”
“God is always using past experiences to prepare us for future opportunities.”
I don’t know why God brought me here to Donovan. It is certainly not what I would have chosen for myself. But God always has bigger plans for us than what we can see. I’m glad He brought me here. And I’m looking forward to conquering the challenges He has for me, and excited to see how being in Donovan plays a role in my life.
