yes. it does. when you have sex outside of marriage, it. ruins. EVERYTHING! and not just intercourse, but fooling around, too! i don't care who you are or how much you think it won't affect you. it does. and it affects other people, too. Seriously, I don't know how people can live like this and think it doesn't affect them. if i think about what it would be like to have a loving spouse (or even a fiance, because you really should know these things BEFORE you tie the knot), fully committed to me, and to have to tell them that i slept with someone, or fooled around with someone, or whatever... that would KILL me to have to tell them. and from the opposite side, if i had to hear that my fiance had done this kind of stuff with someone else, it would seriously ruin everything. i think every time we even kissed from that point on, in the back of my mind, all i would be able to think about is how someone else had part of what was meant for me. what was supposed to be mine and mine alone. i know that forgiveness is supposed to happen, and i believe that you can forgive a person for these things. however, people don't forget stuff. and it creates distance and space in a relationship that is supposed to be an unbreakable, united, HOLY union. I just wish people could see the full spectrum of consequences to their actions before they decided to "live in the moment." Yea, you might be living in the moment now, but that one moment is going to follow you for the rest of your life. Wouldn't you rather live in the moment with a person that you know will love you forever and that will always be there for you, and that only experiences sex with YOU? Because then you don't have to think about the others. You could focus on the one person that God gave to you. As a GIFT.
I know I would...
My second thought for this blog is a little bit more personal (sorry). Lately, I've been hearing a LOT of stories about people's actions with sex (outside of marriage), alcohol and other things that I have always considered to be not welcome in my life. It seems that EVERYONE has made poor choices concerning these issues, and I have recently realized how sheltered I truly am from these kinds of things. I literally have NO past with any of that stuff. And satan really started making me question my decision to abstain from all this. I mean... I'm 21 now, so what if I were to drink a little? I could totally handle it. Even the best of people drink sometimes, right? And what about the whole dating thing? It doesn't really matter if I date around while waiting for God's best, right? What if my standards in finding a guy really are too high? Is there a guy out there that has remained pure? Is there someone that doesn't drink?...... And a lot of other similar type thoughts were rolling around in my head. And this weekend, I just have had enough. I KNOW that I dont need to experience these things to fit in with the people who have experienced them. God can use me WITHOUT a checkered past. I don't need to be stained by the world. And as far as finding a husband when my standards are "ridiculously high and irrational?" God placed these standards in my heart as a young girl, and I KNOW that there IS someone that holds to the same faith and values and standards and beliefs that I do. If there isn't, then I don't need to be dating/marrying anyone anyways, because anyone less would just be bringing me down.
Anyway.... DON'T HAVE SEX OUTSIDE OF MARRIAGE!!!! Think about the consequences.
Saturday, May 21, 2011
Monday, May 16, 2011
Today was a GREAT day!
If I were in a Dr. Bell class, my “good things” for today would be the following:
I am so blessed :)
- Got to see my grandma Pat
- Got a job offer
- Accepted the job offer
- Completed my teacher certification in Illinois
- Finally unpacked all my stuff…
- Made the parents “so proud”
- BEAUTIFUL drive to Indian Lake
- Listened to Grandma Helen play the piano
- Had a nice talk with Grandpa George
I am so blessed :)
Monday, May 9, 2011
My Wish
So my whole life, I’ve been the type of person that wants everyone I love to be in one place. I remember as a five year old in kindergarten being asked if I could have one wish granted, what would it be? My response: that my grandma and grandpa and uncles and aunts and cousins from Charlevoix AND Perry could all live in a giant dome together with me and I would never have to be without one or the other. I wanted nothing more than for us to be together all the time. And tonight, as a 22 year old college graduate, I find myself wishing for the same thing. I want all of my family from Perry and Charlevoix and Indian Lake and Bourbonnais to all be in one place (and yes, you know who you are that I consider family J).
As I drove home on Sunday morning after graduation, I found myself crying as I got on the entrance ramp. It just hit me that I wouldn’t be coming back. It was the last time I would make that drive home (with everything I own) for the summer. I mean, I know I will see my friends again, but it will be very different. It sounds so cliché, but that is how it is. And it really sucks to think about. Anyway, I don’t even really know why I’m writing this, other than I’m sad and I want my family in one place.
I miss you!
Thursday, May 5, 2011
To my dear friends...
Just a few words about some people who have affected my life while at Olivet.
· Phil DeYoung – So one time when I was in 8th grade, you played right before me at Celebrate Life and scared me half to death. I wanted so badly to come to Olivet and play horn with you, and was so mad that it didn’t happen that way. But now, more than ever, I appreciate the way things are. You are sometimes the only person that knows how I have felt many times this past year, and I am so thankful that you have been there to talk to. I will never forget the conversation we had during band camp about why we play the horn. That single conversation has affected me more than you know, and I thank you for that. I also appreciate that your honesty with people. You are never harsh, but you never let people get away with things they shouldn’t. It’s a quality that I very much respect in you.
· Shauntia Mettlin – TIA!!! You were the first person I met at Olivet, and will probably be the last person I talk to before I leave after graduation. Holy cow. That’s weird. You’ve been a great friend the past five years. I’m going to miss our Hills parties and watching the Real World with you. You’re the only person that understands my love for trashy music and trashy TV. You’ve made my life a lot more interesting while I’ve been here. We tend to get into trouble, but it’s been fun!
· Sarah O’Neal – I’m amazed at how God sees each situation and uses them to give us exactly what we need. I’m so glad that we ended up rooming together sophomore year (and the years following), because I gained a best friend. Thanks for the shopping trips, chocolate chip cookies, movie nights (that I slept through) and all the laughs we had. And thanks for the many times you would just listen and be an encourager to me. You are a great friend, and I have missed having you around very much this past year.
· Jacqueline Rose – You are a type of friend everyone needs! No matter what, I know I can count on you to listen and not judge whatever messed up situation I am in. And you ALWAYS keep your mouth shut! Thank you lol. Thanks for always being so encouraging and supportive of me. I always appreciate your random notes of encouragement during the life’s most stressful times. If you ever need to talk, don’t hesitate to call. Or just call if you are bored. Because I’ll probably want to talk, too haha.
· Ryan Schultz – I just want to say thanks first for everything that you have done to better the music department at Olivet. I am so glad that you held us to a higher standard and that you challenged us with music that actually made us practice! Second, I want to say thanks for being such a great mentor in my life. I’ve learned so much about music, leadership, teaching, and life in general from you. I’m going to miss all those random talks in your office (“headaches,” as you like to call them). And you make my life a bit more fun, so thanks for that, too J
· Rebeckah Sterns – I sure am going to miss talking to you. You always have such a level head about everything, especially when I am freaking out. I love that I can talk to you for forever, about the same things, over and over and over, and you never complain. You’re a great listener. I think what I’m going to miss most about you is that you are so strong in your faith. You’ve been such a great mentor to me in the past couple of years, and I will miss you very much. I wish you and Randy a wonderful life together. I’ll see you at the wedding!
· Bethany and Andy Wright – What would I do without my life coach(es)? You two have been one of the biggest blessings this semester! I’m SOOO glad that we are friends. You both are always so encouraging to me in whatever new “challenge” life has thrown at me. Your Christ-like character speaks volumes about the people you are and I appreciate your input to my life more than you know. And I like your baby, too J
· Patrick Wright – wow, buddy. We’re something. That’s for sure. But I wouldn’t trade my experiences with you for anything. You’ve made me laugh, and you’ve made me cry a few times, too. But through everything, you’ve caused me to grow. You’ve been a significant part of my life the past couple years, and I sincerely wish you happiness in whatever you choose to do and wherever you decide to go. You’re my best friend, and I love you. Very much. Please, please, pleeeeease make good choices. And you better call me from time to time, because if you don’t, wellll….. just call me ;)
And I'll put these memories on here so that just in case you are reading this and don't have a facebook, you can enjoy them :)
1. Awful roommates. And their fish, Keshit, or whatever his name was...
2. Band Camp musical
3. Bedtime stories
4. Bidet
5. Bipinbop
6. Bowling. On a Tuesday. At 1:30 in the afternoon.
7. Brass Stretches in the Pit
8. Bridal Showers
9. Chris Martin’s cough
10. Conducting with Nostils…. If you know, you know…
11. Conversations in the recruiting office
12. Daily unappreciated phone calls…you know who you are. And btw, you’re welcome!
13. Dairy Queen Studio
14. DALE CLEVENGER!!!
15. Decorating after BWS
16. Drum Major Sectionals ;)
17. Family movie night/nap time
18. Five for all Forever!
19. GOBSTOPPERS!
20. Hiding from brass consort
21. I <3 Tommy H ;)
22. I put my ones up here…
23. Kendra’s ‘all-purpose’ scream
24. Late night phone calls when Harmony projects are due
25. Magic in the Rhine River
26. Mean Girls Sorority. HA!
27. My brakes going out in Chicago
28. Panera fund!
29. P-B-An-GEL-a
30. Picnic time J
31. Pink Hair!
32. Prof. Schultz’s office decorating
33. Recital after parties
34. Rest stop on I-80
35. Rocks. And More Rocks.
36. Spaghetti, Grilled Sandwiches, Oreo Balls?
37. SPLENDOR!!!
38. Spray and Wash vs. Centipede
39. Tears shed on the steps outside Larsen
40. The Chops Dance
41. The Family
42. The fruit fly trap
43. The Larsen Curse
44. The stage/pit massacre
45. TRIFECTA!!!!
46. Tweedle-Dee and Tweedle…Dee.
47. Walking around the church Parking Lot in Osco, IL. over and over and over
48. Wonderful roommates J
49. World Musics fun
50. You’re a mess!
Wednesday, April 13, 2011
The Last (and Most Important) Lesson
I am officially done student teaching. Today was my last day with the kids and it definitely broke my heart to leave them. I’m excited for my own classroom, but I really will miss those kids though. BUT they gave me some gifts to remember them by. The 4th graders made me going away cards and I now have my first poster to put on the wall of my office next year, made and signed by the kids in band.
As I look back on this semester, there definitely has been a lot of growth in me. I came into the semester not wanting to be a teacher AT ALL. I wanted to be a performance major and that was that. But the kids definitely changed my mind. Leaving today was so hard, as I am so attached to each and every one of them. Even though sometimes they drive me CRAZY, I wouldn’t change it. And now I am turning down grad school to be a teacher. Who would have thought?! I’ve learned a lot about myself, a lot about kids, a lot about my friends, and a lot about the world.
I was reminded today of what teaching is all about. As I was giving my last goodbyes to the 4th graders, a student that normally is a bit rebellious, occasionally disruptive and not well liked by many of the other teachers (he’s a student that usually seems to be written off by teachers and other students. Although I must admit, he is one of my favorites) came up and gave me a HUGE hug. And he wouldn’t let go. He kinda started crying a little bit. And he finally let go and looked up and said “Miss Harris, I will reeeaallllly miss you!!” And he gave me another giant hug. And it hit me right then that THAT is what teaching is all about. Reaching the kids that no one else will. I felt like I made a difference in his life. Two years down the road, he may not remember me or anything that happened in 4th grade music class, but RIGHT NOW, in 2011, I was the encourager and supporter that he needed, and I’m glad that I could make his life a little better. Even if it was only a half-hour, twice a week. Teaching is about being Jesus to the people and students who may never have a chance to see Him. It’s about showing His love to the kids, because they may not have anyone else who loves them. It’s what life is about!
I’m so thankful that I had the opportunity to be with these kids this semester! Hopefully they learned something from me, because they sure did teach me a lot!
Tuesday, March 8, 2011
Back to Square One
This weekend has been one of the most rollercoaster weekends. Ever. I didn’t really think anything of it, except that I knew my Roosevelt audition was the next day. When I got home at 3:30, I checked my mail, and of course, the DePaul letter I had been sooooo eagerly awaiting was sitting in our mailbox. I had told myself before that I didn’t want to open it until after my Roosevelt audition, but I really really wanted to. So I sat on my couch with the unopened envelope in my hand for 15 minutes. I finally decided to open it. I didn’t read it for another two minutes, but when I finally did read it… bad news. And poor timing, to say the least. I mean, literally less than 24 hours before the audition that I really wanted. Yep. So I sat on my couch for about an hour and fifteen minutes. Crying. I’m not really sure why I was so upset. I didn’t really want to go to DePaul. I knew that when we drove into Chicago. Just a feeling that I didn’t like. And I had always only wanted to study with Dale. So I was a little confused as to why I was so upset. But I think it was because this was the first time that I had ever really been rejected from something. And it sucked. Anyway, I only told a few people. I had only been intending to tell one person until after my Roosevelt audition, but good friends know when things are up… And I have good friends. J
The next day was interesting. I went to Chicago by myself. It made me kind of nervous, but I did it. And that alone, made me feel independent, like I was going to survive, no matter what happened that day. I know its kind of silly to think like that, but it’s the little things that help you to move on. Anyway, I was really discouraged going into the audition. But I believe that God knew ahead of time that I would need someone with me that day. Earlier in the week, I had asked Phil to come down for support. I never thought that he would be such a blessing that day. He’s really the only person that I think knows EXACTLY how I feel right now and it was nice to talk to him about it. And he’s really good about making you feel better about your life.
My actual audition I think went really well. I don’t think I’ll get in, but I think I played well. It was actually like a lesson with him. Which was nice. Kind of a reminder about how I should be playing. It was good. And Dale remembered me and we had a normal conversation before and after the playing part of it. Haha. Then Phil and I had a GREAT day in Chicago. If you want full details, read Phil’s note on facebook (you should. It’s a good note!). Otherwise, the short version: Some guy gave us free tickets into the art institute, so we went there and looked at the art (and talked about our lives….). Then we went to Bennigans for dinner. Then the CSO, which was soooo good! And while we were there, one of the fellow horn grad student audition-ees was sitting right behind me, so I talked to him for a while. So presh haha. After the concert, I went back to the train station and finally got home about 1:30 in the morning. Saturday was honestly one of the best days that I have had in a very long time. Thanks, Phil!
Some of the things Phil and I talked about have really kind of been sitting with me for a while (since before we talked actually) and maybe it is time that I share with people what’s been going on in my heart for some time now. I don’t actually know if I want to go to graduate school. I mean, its something that I want, but I don’t know if right now is the right time to pursue a master’s degree. And I don’t know if horn performance is something that I am truly in love with. I hear so much crap from people when I tell them I only applied to two schools (and two GREAT schools, at that. Thanks Phil and Ryan for making me realize that even though I failed to get in, I tried for something, and I don’t regret it. I needed to do this for me.). Honestly, though, I ONLY wanted to study with Mr. Clevenger. DePaul was the “practice audition” as Margaret called it. It’s been my goal since my freshman year when I first heard him and met him that I wanted to study with him and only him. There hasn’t been any other grad school that I have even wanted to look at. Maybe for like a short amount of time, but nothing like my desire to study horn at Roosevelt with Dale. Anyway, as I have been thinking about it, I DID study with him. This summer. Maybe Marrowstone was the fulfillment of that dream of mine? After all, he was my teacher, and I learned so much, but now that I’m seeing the bigger picture, I don’t know if performance is right for me. I mean, music is fun. I love playing my horn, and I love playing in ensembles. I love everything about it. But locking myself in a practice room for 4-6 hours a day until something is PERFECT? Nope. It just doesn’t sound fun to me. Then what happens when I finally get my degree? Um…. Take auditions like nobody’s business until I can find a job in an orchestra that doesn’t really pay much? Yea. Not so much.
Sorry, I sound really bitter and angry about the situation. That’s not really the case, I’ve just thought a lot about it lately and realized that I probably won’t ever make it in the performing world. But let’s just say that I do make it…. Is that really the kind of life that I want to have a family in? I mean…. Yea, at times it would be fun. Lots of travelling, and fun people to meet, and my kids certainly would be cultured. But that’s just the thing… lots of travelling, a random schedule, I’d probably have to live in a big city, and I’d never be able to just live a normal life. I want to raise my kids in a small town (call me crazy, but I actually LIKED the small town feel of good-ol Perry). I want to give them stability and being a musician, freelance or otherwise, just doesn’t provide for that too well…. Would it be fun? Heck yes. For someone that is in their twenties and single. But I think that there are other things that I want to do with my life.
Who knows though. If I get accepted into Roosevelt (Which I highly doubt), I don’t know if I want to go. I mean, as I sat there and waited for my audition, I listened to a lot of pretentious music people talking about silly things like “stupid conductors” and all the cool music they were playing and how their lives had been changed by it and all the time spent practicing for one tiny part in a piece they were working on. Part of me really wants to be one of them, and another part of me really just wants to be normal. I don’t know what to do. I’ve always kind of wanted to live in the city for a small part of my life… and this would be a good time to do it. I mean, I’m young, single and have nothing holding me to anything. I could do it. And… if I get accepted and don’t take up the offer, how am I supposed to meet up with my new friend I met this weekend? I kinda have to say yes, right? ;)
Or….. if I don’t get accepted, do I just get a job for the year keep auditioning next year? Or do I just assume that I wasn’t supposed to go to graduate school for performance and just settle for something else? (Not that I believe teaching is settling AT ALL. I LOVE my students and I LOVE going in to school each day. THEY have taught ME so much this semester!) I just don’t know what I want. One of my friends told me recently that I used to know exactly what I wanted out of life, but since I started teaching, I’ve been wishy-washy. So I don’t know what is going on.
Anyway. Long story short, I got rejected by DePaul. Cried about it. Auditioned at Roosevelt. Spent the day with Phil. Talked about lots of things. And now here are some of those thoughts in this blog. Feel free to give comments about what you think. I’d love to hear your input, because at this point, I could really use some advice.
~Brittany
P.S. Please don’t say “just wait until you actually find out about Roosevelt and then make a decision” because I think that’s kind of like… duh. Haha.
Wednesday, March 2, 2011
Forgiveness. Is more than saying sorry.
Once again, I haven’t blogged for awhile. So… here this is. I’m not really sure what exactly this is going to be about, but we will see where it ends up J
These past few weeks have been crazy to say the least. Student teaching is still going well. I’m enjoying it a lot. But the more I get involved, the more it makes me want my own classroom. I’ve also been thinking a lot about my life as a performance major. I auditioned at DePaul a few weeks ago. It was alright. I’m not sure if I played well enough to get in, but it was an audition experience. Actually that whole week was an experience…. Haha. We had just gotten done with BWS, and that had taken its toll on me a little bit, but I was ready for the next week, or so I thought. Monday night I had commencement concert auditions (which turned out to be one of the longest nights of my life!!), Tuesday we had a band concert thing. Wednesday I had my 8th grade concert. That went pretty well. I was the FIRST one to conduct on the program, so I was super nervous, but it went well. Then Thursday night I had horn lessons and Friday Patrick and Ian and I drove to Indian Lake to play at the Candle Lake Valentine’s dinner thing. It was really nice to go to the lake and be with my family. Especially after such a stressful time in my life. I don’t know why, but whenever I go to the lake, I always feel at home. It’s like all of my stress and problems just disappear. I love that place so much. And I got to see Beka and Lamica and it was really nice to just catch up to them.
Anyway, Saturday morning came and Patrick and Ian and I got up super early (well… I got up super early because I couldn’t sleep, and they got up early) and we traveled to DePaul. I made Patrick drive so I could sleep and focus on what needed to happen that day. As we drove into Chicago, my first thought was “I can’t go to school here.” I was so incredibly stressed out from the traffic and I wasn’t even driving. We finally made it to DePaul and as we walked in, Ashlie walked by us on the way to her audition. She was there with her mom. It was SO nice to have someone there with you that knew what you were feeling. And I was so thankful for her mom to be there. Not that the boys didn’t do a good job of destressing me by singing a lovely rendition of Sweet Child of Mine on the drive into the city, but there is something about having a mom with you that just calms your nerves. So that was nice. After Ashlie and I both had our auditions, we stayed and talked for a while. About 1:30-ish, we decided to head back home, and it was quite the interesting drive. There was so much stuff filling my head and so many memories from the past two years that was just flooding my heart. I don’t think the boys were aware, but I definitely cried on the way home. Everything was just so bittersweet that weekend, and I knew that it was about to end. Not just the weekend, but I felt like difficult times were ahead and that life was about to make a huge change. I was right.
The weeks following that (I say this like it was 6 years ago…. It was only like the past 2 weeks, but it feels like FOREVER ago!) probably have been some of the strangest weeks ever. There was so much going on with me. I got sick and Dena told me I had an ulcer from all the stress. My dad came down for class and I got to see him for a little bit. Then we had band tour. OMG. So…. Hmmm…. Well… it was something ;) I love going on tours because you get to see a side of people you don’t normally get to see. And you become a lot closer with people. It’s a good bonding experience to say the least. And I got to see the mom and Colleen, so that was nice. I also kept my new years resolution to face my fears and gave my testimony on tour. First time ever. But, God told me I needed to do it, so I told Ryan a few days before and then I spoke on tour. Not only was I terrified of speaking to people, but giving my testimony scares me like none other. Not necessarily in a personal situation, but to speak in front of a group of my peers, my friends, and a ton of people I didn’t know…. YIKES! But it turned out alright. God never gives you something you can’t handle.
I don’t really remember much about the next week. Or maybe there just wasn’t anything important going on. O well. I DO remember that Friday night I went up to Northwestern with some friends to see Mallory Thompson Conduct Maslanka Symphony No. 4 with their wind ensemble. THAT was INCREDIBLE!!! It’s like my new favorite piece. I cried during the performance. It was SO good. And I was with some pretty great people, so that made it even better. Then I decided to go spend the weekend away from campus. Saturday morning I got up and traveled to Bloomington to hang out with Sarah. It was really nice to be with her and just talk like we used to. It was good to catch up. I really miss her. Sunday when I came home, I had a headache a little bit and discovered that I had a pretty high fever. So did Tia. So these past couple days have been pretty miserable. I’ve stayed home from school for 3 days because by fever didn’t get below 99.9, and finally today I’m kinda feeling better.
I always write a little bit about significant things in my life and this blog didn’t really have that. So... here is what God has been teaching me these past few days. Forgiveness. I feel like this semester I have been a lot more… idk… tender hearted? I know it might not seem like it to some people, but I really have been going through a lot of stuff this semester. With everything. Anyway, a few days ago (and this has kind of been building up for a while), I realized how important certain people are in my life. And that sometimes, regardless of what everyone tells you, you need to examine what you truly want. A wise friend of mine (Phil) asked me during band camp what was more important to me… an apology or a friendship. And I kind of knew what that meant at the time and took it for what I thought I needed. But I don’t think it ever has meant more to me than it has these past few days. I realized that for all the pain I have been through, the good still outweighs the bad in the friendship. As for as stubborn as I am and as much as I hate that I’m always the one to initiate the apologies, it’s worth it to have that friendship in your life. When you really love someone, that love never goes away. And I learned that when you do apologize, it feels really good to have that person back. As much as everyone tells you that it’s time to cut your losses and move on and that you’ve filled the “apology quota,” I’ve learned that if someone is really important to you, there aren’t enough apologies in the world. And even if I have to be the apology instigator every single time, I will be, because I love this person and I value them and what they bring to my life.
ANYWAY…. Thanks Phil for your insight to my life. And you didn’t even say anything this time! Alright. I’m done writing because I can’t handle it anymore. And I think I’m done being in this stupid house. I hate being sick. I’m going to orchestra!
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